What is the need of control? Many close relatives to people suffering from addiction have developed a great need of control.
Control the other person's mobile phone, eavesdrop on phone calls, make calls and check where the person is, what he does, what state he's in, who he hangs out with, going through the pockets, looking in the bags, looking through the house, go and spy to know where the relative can be and so on...
Control the other person's mobile phone, eavesdrop on phone calls, make calls and check where the person is, what he does, what state he's in, who he hangs out with, going through the pockets, looking in the bags, looking through the house, go and spy to know where the relative can be and so on...
What function does the need of control fill? I think it may have several causes.
1. Alleviating anxiety. As a relative I build up angst and panic through my anxiety and my thoughts about that my relative may be taking drugs or drinking alcohol. To reduce my own angst, prove my fantasies wrong, I start to control. And hopefully that will confirm that my suspicions were false, and my angst is reduced for the moment.
2. I believe myself able to influence/impede the alcoholic or drug users drug-intake. Through controlling, I'm trying to show that "I know". I try to get the person to think about something else, interrupt substance abusing activity, get hold of the alcohol/drug and throw it away, try in various ways to prevent the person from drinking/taking the drug. I hope/think I have power over the intake, something which I really am powerless over.
3. I do not trust my gut feeling and look for evidence. My gut tells me that my loved one is lying to me, behaves strange, smells odd, speak differently, etc. But I do not believe it. And I dare not say what I suspect, for the risk of my relative only denying it. And I will be lied to again. I try to control and find evidence for that my gut is right (or wrong) so that I can confront. The problem is that the addict can deny anyway. Even if you hold the evidence in your hand.
3. I do not trust my gut feeling and look for evidence. My gut tells me that my loved one is lying to me, behaves strange, smells odd, speak differently, etc. But I do not believe it. And I dare not say what I suspect, for the risk of my relative only denying it. And I will be lied to again. I try to control and find evidence for that my gut is right (or wrong) so that I can confront. The problem is that the addict can deny anyway. Even if you hold the evidence in your hand.
There are probably many more reasons for the need for control. If you see more reasons, please write a post on the blog!
What are the consequences of the need for control? It may be temporarily relieving anxiety, but soon I build up new anxiety again. I try to stop/control something I actually don't have power over. I put energy, time and thoughts in to things that I have no control over. And I do not trust myself. My gut feeling. It's usually right. I don't pay attention to the clues from what I know and feel within me, but focus on something outside myself instead.
What are the consequences of the need for control? It may be temporarily relieving anxiety, but soon I build up new anxiety again. I try to stop/control something I actually don't have power over. I put energy, time and thoughts in to things that I have no control over. And I do not trust myself. My gut feeling. It's usually right. I don't pay attention to the clues from what I know and feel within me, but focus on something outside myself instead.
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