Sunday, September 28, 2014

What defines a healthy relationship?

In his book Jaget och Missbrukaren (transl. Me and the abuser), Craig Nakken talks about some of the basic foundation of a healthy relationship;
  • To act respectfully towards the other person
  • To feel supported by one another
  • To be accepted for who you are, and not who the other person wants you to be. 
You must treat the other person respectfully, and together you must create a feeling of security and trust. There must be mutual respect, both in words and in action, for a relationship to work.
The way I see it, these basic foundations may easily topple in relationships that includes people with alcohol- or drug abuse.

Here are some questions you may take your time to think about:

- How do you define a healthy relationship?
- What can you do to improve your relationship? What part do you play and how do you contribute? (This includes both positive and negative contribution).
- What do you seek in your relationship? 




 

Monday, September 22, 2014

To fill that empty space

Richard Engfors writes in his book Allt eller inget (transl.: all or nothing) how the alcohol helped him to fill the void inside of him. This makes me think about the many conversations I had with people who suffered from alcohol- and drug addiction while I worked inside the correctional care system.

Many people told me about the so called vacuity. The big, black hole filled with so much sorrow and futility. But, how the alcohol and the drugs helped them to not feel this void.
I would like to take this notion a step further, by saying that I can imagine how relatives to addicts often experience the same feeling of vacuity. When you are addicted to another person you will probably fill up that empty hole inside by focusing the other persons problems and difficulties, instead of your own. And hopefully, you may get love and affection in return. So, the fear of feeling that vacuity inside may be one reason why some people stay in destructive relationships.

The only way to get yourself out of that addiction is to face whatever may be in that black hole inside of you, and to get help to deal with whatever you may find. To accept that you sometimes may feel this blackness, and that it is okay. It is not dangerous and it will pass.

What do you think? Is this something you might recognize yourself in?

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

What will your life look like in 2 years?

You have the possibility and power to influence your life! You can decide what your life will look like, what dreams you want to fulfill and goals you want to reach. Here are some exercises to help you on the way:

1) If you keep on living exactly the way you live right now, what will your life look like then? How old are you in 2 years? How will you feel? Will you be OK? How will you live?

2) If you would dream freely, how would you choose your life to look like in 2 years? Where do you live? Which people are you surrounded by? How do you feel? What are you working with? What are you doing in your free time?

3) To reach what you wrote above in 2 years, what will you have to do in 1 year to be well on the way?

4) To be well on the way in 1 year, what do you need to do the following 6 months to reach that partial goal?

5) What is the first step you choose to focus on?

6) Which people, organizations and groups can help you in your process of getting to where you want to be in 2 years?


The only one that can decide what your life will look like in 2 years is YOU!

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Coping strategy

To my understanding, a coping strategy is the way of an individual to handle hardships and worry during a longer time. The relative develop adaptation-strategies to cope and survive during the negative consequences of the addiction. In that way the relative gets a role in relation to the addict that in the long run can get destructive for both parties, even though the problem isn't caused by the relative. It becomes interplay between both parties.

Through therapy and psychological help you can learn new, more constructive, coping strategies to help handle life's hardships and traumas.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

The roller coaster

All of you that live with a person with addiction and substance abuse problems surely know how emotions go up and down. Black or white. You can hate, love and have great sorrows all in one hour. The emotions change quickly. It's exhausting and confusing.
My tip is to practice ACCEPTANCE! To accept that the emotions go back and forth. It is OK. You are not meant to act on every emotion that comes along! That can lead to doing actions that you later regret. And it can get unpredictable consequences. Pain and anger can make us act in a way that we later on wish we wouldn't have.

Instead, practice on accepting your emotions. They come and go. They don't stay forever. It is OK that they are there and you don't have to do anything about them. Just see them and acknowledge that they are there right now and they will go away.
Accept that things aren't black and white, there are many gray zones. Accept that a coin has two sides. Just because there is a good, nice and lovable side it doesn't mean that there isn't a darker and more destructive side as well. And vice versa. It's OK. You don't need to put meaning or a value on your thoughts and feelings and you don't need to act on them. You can breath calmly and accept that they are there and they come and go.

Calm breaths, in and out...
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