What defines a healthy relationship?

In his book Jaget och Missbrukaren (transl. Me and the abuser), Craig Nakken talks about some of the basic foundation of a healthy relationship;

• To act respectfully towards the other person
• To feel supported by one another
• To be accepted for who you are, and not who the other person wants you to be. 

You must treat the other person respectfully, and together you must create a feeling of security and trust. There must be mutual respect, both in words and in action, for a relationship to work.
The way I see it, these basic foundations may easily topple in relationships that includes people with alcohol- or drug abuse.

Here are some questions you may take your time to think about:

- How do you define a healthy relationship?
- What can you do to improve your relationship? What part do you play and how do you contribute? (This includes both positive and negative contribution).
- What do you seek in your relationship? 

 

Trust?

Hello guys!

I recently wrote a book for relatives of substance abusers. I wrote one of the passages because I often get the question "Can I trust him/her again?" I thought I'd share a piece of what I wrote about trust:

"After many disappointments and let-downs it is only natural that you don't feel like you can trust the other person any more. Many relatives feel guilty because of it. Also the addict sometimes blames the relatives for doing this, and say things like: "What does it matter if I try to better myself? You still don't trust me!"

Through my job I often meet people that wonder: -"How could I ever trust him/her again?". "How can I trust that he/she won't drink again?" Other relatives try to make a choice instead -"I choose to trust him/her." The feeling I can get during those conversations is that many people feel that it is rude or unfitting to not trust someone. Although to me it seems pretty reasonable and explainable that you don't trust someone that has broken so many promises, let you down many times and in that way hurt you. Would you trust a friend or your boss if they again and again broke promises? Probably not.

To be able to trust someone is based on that you during a period of time have been able to see a certain amount of predictability and reliability in that person and that they don't hurt you. Both predictability and reliability are often affected when someone develops an addiction. And after a let-down it takes time to trust again. The person needs to use new actions in a longer time perspective to show that there is predictability and reliability. It takes time and that is alright.

You can also think about it in another way: Trust that the person can take drugs/drink if they want to. Trust that however much you try to control the addict they will always be smarter if they want their drug. You can trust that. Also trust that your relative has the power to change, if they want to."

What thoughts and reflections do you have on this?

/Carina

"Do you like this blog? Become a member and share it to others!"

Create your own support team

Alone is not strong. To isolate yourself and hide behind a façade has a negative impact on you and diminishes the possibility to stay healthy. That is why you need people around you that you trust and feel close to. And sometimes, when life is hard, you need help and support.

Who is on your support team?
What people do you have in your support team that you can ask for help from? Ask for advice or that can be understanding listeners? Who can, for example, support you when it comes to the kids, economy, practical things, emotional things? Maybe there is a relative who gladly babysits, a banker that can help you to make an economic plan, a neighbor that doesn't mind lending you their car, a friend that is a good listener?

Exercise
Fill in below who is on your support team. I have written a few subjects as examples. You can fill in with other subjects according to your needs.

Your support team
Subject (fill in with your own)                           Who?

Practical things

Economy

Kids

Emotional support

Health

Personal development

Support group

Others?

What do you need to ask these people about, how are you going to communicate that you need help and when?

If you think that your support team looks small you might have to develop new healthy relations or invite new people! To people with "negative" behaviors it is easy to follow the same old pattern of as before. If that is the case for you, what can you do to break these kind of patterns and create the healthy relations that you need?

Good luck!

Do you like this blog? Become a member and share it to others!

When will you get to finish a thought?

Have you ever felt the feeling that you don't get to finish a thought? Like things keep happening that you have to react on, and you never find the time to just sit down and finish thinking a thought?br />
It can be the daily stress, or the situation of being a relative to an addict - that the addict always has something going on that craves your attention and that you must take care of?

What are the consequences of that?
I can think of many different consequences and there are probably more.
- It might make me run away and do things that I don't actually have to do. If I had only thought a little about it before I might have realized that.
- It takes away time from me to think about what my opinions and standards are and what I want to do - because I have to act on something before I finished figuring out what I really want.
- I don't have time to reflect on what I actually need.
- I don't have time to get a bigger picture of what is actually most important and what isn't very important. There is no order of priority but instead I do everything with the same amount of energy. The consequence of that is that I become tired and powerless.
- It makes me not feel anchored in anything I do and I get uncertain about if I'm doing the right things.
- I get worried because it always feels like I "should" do something that I forgot about.
- My thoughts circle around someone else (normally the addict) and I always act when they have an emergency or other problems. I get no opportunity to think about myself and my life.
- I flee from myself, my feelings and my thoughts, and keep myself busy by quickly solving emerging situations.
- Tired, confused, powerless and sometimes in despair.

If you feel that this applies to you, how can you create that "thought-pause"?
How important would it be for you to have a "thought-pause" and get to finish your thoughts once in a while?
What can be helpful for you to finish your thoughts? Write in a diary? Talk to someone? Travel somewhere? Something else?

I'll stop writing here and take my own thought-pause instead! :-)

Walking on thin ice

One thing that relatives often say about their relationships to the person suffering from addiction is that they have to tiptoe around the person and be really careful about what they say or do. It is like walking on thin ice, they say, and all of a sudden the ice breaks, and perhaps it is hard to understand why.

You can tiptoe to:
* not seem irritating.
* prevent the addict from drinking more.
* not say something wrong.
* not do something that does not suit the addict.
* not be blamed.
* not be in the way.
* not evoke anger

The relative might be too scared to confront the person; to say what they really think or feel. He/she might always have to think twice about everything they do or say in fear of their loved one becoming annoyed or angry. In the end, it might feel as they are in a prison, surrounded by invisible walls.

Do you feel this way? What would happen if you started to express your feelings and thoughts? What is the worst thing that could happen and what is the best thing that could happen?

How would it affect you to stand up for yourself? Psychologically? Self esteem? Courage to do what you want to? Courage to reveal your opinions and thoughts? 

Don't hesitate to write down a comment to this post! 
Maybe it an help others!

Lots of strength!
/Carina