Trust?

Hello guys!

I recently wrote a book for relatives of substance abusers. I wrote one of the passages because I often get the question "Can I trust him/her again?" I thought I'd share a piece of what I wrote about trust:

"After many disappointments and let-downs it is only natural that you don't feel like you can trust the other person any more. Many relatives feel guilty because of it. Also the addict sometimes blames the relatives for doing this, and say things like: "What does it matter if I try to better myself? You still don't trust me!"

Through my job I often meet people that wonder: -"How could I ever trust him/her again?". "How can I trust that he/she won't drink again?" Other relatives try to make a choice instead -"I choose to trust him/her." The feeling I can get during those conversations is that many people feel that it is rude or unfitting to not trust someone. Although to me it seems pretty reasonable and explainable that you don't trust someone that has broken so many promises, let you down many times and in that way hurt you. Would you trust a friend or your boss if they again and again broke promises? Probably not.

To be able to trust someone is based on that you during a period of time have been able to see a certain amount of predictability and reliability in that person and that they don't hurt you. Both predictability and reliability are often affected when someone develops an addiction. And after a let-down it takes time to trust again. The person needs to use new actions in a longer time perspective to show that there is predictability and reliability. It takes time and that is alright.

You can also think about it in another way: Trust that the person can take drugs/drink if they want to. Trust that however much you try to control the addict they will always be smarter if they want their drug. You can trust that. Also trust that your relative has the power to change, if they want to."

What thoughts and reflections do you have on this?

/Carina

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