Last day to download the free self-help manual!

Oooops! Today is the last day to download my book Self-Help For Relatives of Substance Abusers for free here!

All you have to do is download the Kindle app. After that you can order the book through Amazon.com. And don't forget to write a review if you find the book useful, it would help a lot! :)

Movie worth watching!

The movie Thanks for sharing is really worth watching! It is about three people whom are all in treatment for sex addiction. We get to join them in their ups and downs and we will learn what might trigger compulsion. The movie is also about what makes us recover and how we may find strength to do so. It is an inspiring movie about addiction, but also about life and friendship.  

Food For Thought

Consequences from constant stress

Maybe you think that you're about to loose your mind? You think about strange things, you do strange and confusing stuff. You can't concentrate on simple tasks. Do you recognize yourself in this behavior? 

If you do it's not surprising, if you're close to someone with alcohol- or drug addiction. As relatives we live with constant fear and stress. The feeling of stress comes from signals in your body that releases when you experience fear, and these signals are totally natural. Temporary stress, which occurs for instant when facing an acute and sudden threat, is a "healthy" kind of stress, since it may save us from danger.

However, relatives to people with alcohol- or drug addiction doesn't live with temporary stress, but with a constant feeling of danger, which may last for several years. This is when stress becomes dangerous. We're always on our guard. Our body and brain doesn't have the time to recover if we're constantly experience this feeling of fear.  

The constant stress may lead to us becoming confused, forgetful, unconcentrated and/or unlogical. We may even become limited in our cognitive abilities, which makes it hard for us to perceive and interpret the information around us.

If you recognize yourself in this type of behavior, you're not going crazy! But you probably need help in order to affect your body and your mind, and to calm yourself down.
 

Seek help! You're not alone! Talk to someone you trust. Contact support teams. Yoga or mindfulness may help. You need to find your own way! Consequences

Take care! 

New strength

It might feel contradictory to imagine that all the sad and painful experiences from living with a drug- and substance abuser actually may be valuable to us. Even if it feels hard, we must realize how the experiences have made us stronger in so many ways, and recognize all the new knowledge we have gain, both of ourselves and other people.

Can you think of any positive qualifications you might have gain from your experiences? 
Here are some examples given from relatives whom I have coached: 

• I've learned to say no. 
• I learned about humility and being non-judgmental.
• I now prioritize my own needs, and I help other seeing when they put aside their needs. 
• I now know that I can take care of myself. I feel much more secure and calm. 

Write down all the strengths that you have developed! 

Trusting others more than yourself...

A lot of people living with someone who has substance abuse problems, or who has grown up in a family in similar conditions, often trust others more than themselves. And in addition they often choose to trust the person with substance abuse problems rather than themselves.

What does that lead to? Obviously insecurity, low self esteem and it reduces the opportunities to make decisions in favor for themselves. That's when you listen to what someone else thinks, rather than how you yourself are reasoning or feeling. Our emotions, values and thoughts are our guides that point out which decisions are good for us and which aren't.

Does this describe you?

In that case, what do you emotions tell you? What is your gut feeling telling you? Listen to yourself - and dare to trust yourself! You are the most important person in your life because you are guaranteed to be living with yourself for the rest of your life!

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Who is your best friend?

Do you often do things for others that you don't really want to do? Do you say yes but you mean no? Or do you cancel or neglect things you'd want to do in favor of someone else's needs? Do you say no to yourself and your needs and prioritize other's?

Who are you guaranteed to live with every second, minute, day, week, month and year for the rest of your life?
Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend!

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Trust?

Hello guys!

I recently wrote a book for relatives of substance abusers. I wrote one of the passages because I often get the question "Can I trust him/her again?" I thought I'd share a piece of what I wrote about trust:

"After many disappointments and let-downs it is only natural that you don't feel like you can trust the other person any more. Many relatives feel guilty because of it. Also the addict sometimes blames the relatives for doing this, and say things like: "What does it matter if I try to better myself? You still don't trust me!"

Through my job I often meet people that wonder: -"How could I ever trust him/her again?". "How can I trust that he/she won't drink again?" Other relatives try to make a choice instead -"I choose to trust him/her." The feeling I can get during those conversations is that many people feel that it is rude or unfitting to not trust someone. Although to me it seems pretty reasonable and explainable that you don't trust someone that has broken so many promises, let you down many times and in that way hurt you. Would you trust a friend or your boss if they again and again broke promises? Probably not.

To be able to trust someone is based on that you during a period of time have been able to see a certain amount of predictability and reliability in that person and that they don't hurt you. Both predictability and reliability are often affected when someone develops an addiction. And after a let-down it takes time to trust again. The person needs to use new actions in a longer time perspective to show that there is predictability and reliability. It takes time and that is alright.

You can also think about it in another way: Trust that the person can take drugs/drink if they want to. Trust that however much you try to control the addict they will always be smarter if they want their drug. You can trust that. Also trust that your relative has the power to change, if they want to."

What thoughts and reflections do you have on this?

/Carina

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Control is an illusion...

My fantastic coach-colleague and author Emma Pihl has written wise things about control in the book "Let go - be free from your control needs."

Quote:
The truth is that it really doesn't matter if we try to control or if we let it go; we cannot, in any case, determine the future. Control is an illusion that creates a false sense of safety in our lives. That illusion can become so addictive that it no longer is we ourselves that decide that we want to continue controlling. The control has started to control us."

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Are you looking for the truth in the wrong place?

As a relative to an addict you suffer from anxiety every now and then. Has the person been drinking or taking drugs? Or not? Maybe we recognize behavior from other times when the person has been using. We get a bad feeling in our guts, something does not feel right, but we don't want to believe that the person has started using or drinking again.

When we feel the anxiety and suspiciousness we seek security and assurance. We ask the addict if they are lying. If he/she has been taking drugs or been drinking. The problem, however, is that the person that possibly did drink/take drugs will probably lie because of these reasons:

1) The person wants to protect the drug and wants to use their drug alone.
2) The person says whatever you want to hear to avoid making a big deal out of it.

So if you are seeking the truth you must seek in the right place. Either through fact, that the person takes a drug-test or breath-test. Or that you turn to a professional with a lot of knowledge about addiction and using behavior. There you can get an un-biased view of what you are worrying about.

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Don't make any decisions when...

... you are filled with guilt and have a bad conscience. The risk is that you as a relative react very fast, rather than think over the thing for a while and act later.
Guilt and bad conscience can blur our sight of what is actually the most constructive thing to do in the situation. We might not take in all the facts and don't see the whole situation because our feelings of guilt have taken over and we want to free ourselves from them. Then it is easy to act in a way that we later regret.

It can also be the addict that projects these feelings on the relative, either because they want to achieve something or because they themselves are feeling so bad they can not stand their own feelings.
One good thing to do can be to let the thing get settled for a couple of days and instead talk to others that have experience of addiction problems. Then it is easier to make a decision that is positive in the long run.

Breathe calmly...

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Shame

Shame is a deep, heavy and tearing emotion. The shame is closely related to angst, humiliation, guilt and degradation.

If you go through a traumatic experience shame is often an emotion that appears afterwards. Shame worsens the process of recovery and the ability to heal because the person is unable to forgive themselves for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Shame can also appear because of our culture, religion, family, our childhood or the past.

People with strong feelings of shame often have bad self esteem and feel different and less worthy and in some cases they feel like bad or evil people. The trauma and the resulting shame strengthen one another, which causes a bigger damage in mental wounds. In the end, the consequences can be that the traumatized person no longer feel that they are worthy to be loved or lead a good life. To get rid of the feelings of shame is a essential part of recovery after a traumatic experience.

If you need help to handle your feelings of shame you should talk to a professional therapist. One of the most effective actions to reduce the shame is to express your feelings, get guidance and support in your healing process. If you don't want to go to a therapist a loyal friend can be a replacement and offer help, the main point is that you talk to someone to release the shame. Your listener should be someone that supports you and shows you acceptance with a positive attitude.

After that you have to agree to forgive yourself. Ask yourself if your life would be different or better if you could forgive yourself and let your thoughts of shame go.

Lastly, have faith!
However big your feeling of shame may be or have been, it is possible to heal.

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Love or needed?

Is it love that you feel, or is it the affirmation of being needed? Is it the thought about that he/she has to love you because he/she needs you?

What is "love"? What is it to "be needed"?

Can we love without needing someone?
And can we need someone without loving them?

If you are quiet long enough...

... do you think that the problem will disappear?

Watch out for the "Ultimatum-trap"

I might have brought up this trap before, but it's worth to mention over and over.

There is a thing that relatives of substance abusers can make sure to do. And that is to avoid what I call the "Ultimatum-trap". It only puts the realtive in tough positions.

This is usually how it happens:

Relative: If you drink/do drugs again I will leave you! 
Addict: I promise. I will never drink/do drugs again. Don't leave me!

And so times move on. The person with the substance abuse-problems manages to stay sober for awhile. But eventually the drugs and the alcohol slowly start showing up again.

The relative gets very disappointed and sad. But does not leave. The relative does not keep to their ultimatum but stays where they are.

This have different effects, such as:
* The addict thinks: Aha! She/he does not leave. I can keep on drinking/doing drugs.
* The relative feels guilt and shame for not standing up for themselves and their own values.
* The relative accepts their boundaries to be moved further. You start accepting things you never thought you would allow.
* The realtive let themselves down, and stops believing in their own words, they see them as empty threats.
* The addict does also not believe what the relative says anymore. He/she threatened to leave before, it's going to pass.

There are surely other negative consequences that you can think of.

So, to avoid the "ultimatum-trap", that we often step into because we mean what we say right in that moment and because we are frustrated and hurt, it is better to keep quiet. Say something else instead. Tell the addict what you think of the alcohol/drug. But don't utter any ultimatums if you are not one hundred percent sure that you will keep to it.

Be strong!

/Carina

Exercise - create guidelines for the relationship!

Mapping to create your own guidelines regarding the contact with your relative.

Think about how you feel after different situations arise in your relationship with your relative with addiction problems. Put a mark on the scale that tells how you were affected by that situation. From your mapping you can then create your guidelines to influence the relationship so that it becomes manageable for you!

To meet the relative when they are under the influence:

Feels good!                                                                              Feels awful!

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10  

To meet the relative when they are sober/clean: 

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10 

To talk to the person on the phone when they are under the influence:

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10

To talk to the person on the phone when they are sober/clean:

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10

When you have the phone on during the night in case they'll call:

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10

To read texts the person wrote to you:

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10 

To follow up what the person does by asking friends, updates on facebook and so on:

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10

To talk about some topics with the person (What topics?.....................................………)

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10 

Other situation where my wellbeing is affected by the relationship to my relative……………………..

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10

Other situation where my wellbeing is affected by the relationship to my relative……………………..

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10

Based on what conclusion you came to in your own evalu-
ation, how do you want the continued contact to be so that 
you can protect yourself from what hurts the most?

My guidelines for the relationship:

For me to feel good, my relationship needs to be like this:

(How often, in what way, what will the relationship contain?)

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

What needs to be changed?

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

What will I do to make sure I stick to my guidelines?

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

Good luck!

/Carina

"Tough love"

Tough love. Have you heard the expression before? I have heard it so many times that you should use "tough love" towards the person with substance abuse. But what exactly is "tough love" Can love be tough? Or is it about functional and respectful attitude, towards yourself and others? How do you interpret "tough love"? Please write in the comments and tell us your views and experiences of this!

I interpret tough love to mean:

* To clearly communicate your values​​, what you think is okay or not.

* To stand up for your own values ​​and not compromise or violate what you believe in.
* Be clear and respectful in your communication and not ramble.

* To not accept what does not feel good for yourself.

* Do not take the negative consequences of drug use for the person with alcohol and drug problems.
* Let him or her handle and take responsibility for the negative consequences that the alcohol or drugs created for them.

* To not allow yourself to believe in lies, instead believe in what you see.

* To support the person with the dependency problem when he/she makes a change to become clean and sober. (For example, when he/she goes into treatment, attend AA meetings, etc.)

What does "tough love" mean to you?

/Carina

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