Power vs. Powerlessness

In what area do you have power, and when are you powerless? 

This is a good question which we all have to think about some time in life. Because, a big step towards a happy life is to recognize our own powerlessness in the problems we cannot change. One example of this is another persons addiction, to try to exterminate an addiction which is not ours. In this we are powerless, it is only the addict who has the power to do this, it is the choice of the addict and the struggle of the addict, it is not our battle. 

However, we do have power over our own life. If we can see this, there will be an opportunity for us to show compassion for others in the same time as we know where the limits are for what we can/cannot change. If we can recognize our own power and powerlessness we will be able to put our thoughts and energy on the stuff that makes our own lives better!

Here are some other questions that you can think about! Choose one of the answers on each question and then look at your result.

1. Do you have thoughts like "he/she should not..." or do you say "you should..." to other people? 
Never 0 p             Sometimes 3 p              Often (largely every day) 5 p

2. Do you sometimes try to control the drinking/drug intake of the other person? For example, throwing away alcohol/pills, drink more for yourself so the other person drinks less etc. 
Never 0 p             Sometimes 3 p              Often (largely every day) 5 p

3.  Do you set up plans for another persons life? 
Never 0 p             Sometimes 3 p              Often (largely every day) 5 p

4. Are you disappointed/angry/sad when the person doesn't do what you've planned or thought?
Never 0 p             Sometimes 3 p              Often (largely every day) 5 p

5. Do you sometimes try to get it your way through threats, bribes or punishment?
Never 0 p             Sometimes 3 p              Often (largely every day) 5 p
 
6. Do you sometimes try to get it your way through nagging? 
Never 0 p             Sometimes 3 p              Often (largely every day) 5 p

7. Do you sometimes feel ashamed or guilty for someone else behavior? 
Never 0 p             Sometimes 3 p              Often (largely every day) 5 p

8. Do you sometimes wait for another person to make a decision before you make your own? 
Never 0 p             Sometimes 3 p              Often (largely every day) 5 p

9. Do you sometimes try and read someone else mind and think that you know what that person is thinking? 
Never 0 p             Sometimes 3 p              Often (largely every day) 5 p 

RESULTS

0-9 points It seems like your controlling behavior hasn't gained the upper hand. Maybe you have already worked a lot with yourself to let go of some of the control. Congratulations! You probably got the ability to quickly see what you have power over and where you are powerless, and you choose to put focus on the things that you actually can change! 

10-35 points There's probably some situations where you feel as you need to have control and some where you succeed to let it go. But it still affects you, and you may sometimes put your energy on thing that you cannot change. This sometimes makes you feel disappointing and bitter. Try to let go of the control in the areas where you're powerless and put your energy on the things that you can change!

36-79 points WARNING! I can almost promise that you will hit the wall (if you haven't already) if you keep it up like this. Be attentive to what your body tells you! Do you feel anxiety? Panic? Problems with your heart? Headache? Problems with sleeping? You seriously need to recognize your own powerlessness in some specific, and focus on what you actually can change. I also think that you may have to talk to someone. It might be good to contact a doctor or a therapist. I wish you all the power you need to deal with this!

Take care everyone!

Theme of the month - Violence: Violence Against Animals

One reason to why many people stay in a violent relationship may be out of fear that a pet exposed to violence may be even more hurt. A person may not be able to bring the animal when escaping from their violent home. The risk of violence is much higher if addiction is involved.

In her book Med husbondens röst (transl. With the master's voice) Carin Holmberg writes about women whom experienced violence in their home. She writes for instance about Moa, a woman who's been beaten by her husband Mats. He also beat their pet. In the beginning of their relationship Moa moved in with Mats together with her two cats, and during the relationship they bought a dog each. Moa didn't want to leave her dog alone with Mats after an incident where he kicked the dog. He also scalded her cats under the faucet. Despite all this, Moa was afraid to leave Mats since he threatened to find her and kill all of their pets. One day Moa ended up in the hospital after being severely beaten by Mats. When she came home, she found her dog unconscious and full of blood. This was when Moa finally found the strength to leave Mats, even if it was in great fear. Unfortunately she was forced to leave her cats in the care of someone else, since she lost of all their trust.

Hurting an animals may be used to control and threat the people close to the animal.

Violence against animals can both be psychological, where the person frighten the animal and create an unsafe environment, or physical, through beating or other harmful acts.

Do you suspect that an animal is being treated badly? Report it! It's our duty to help animals who can't help them selves! The whole family may also be in need of help.


/Carina

Theme of the month - Violence: Addiction, Violence & Children

In this post I will talk about violence against children, and children who witness violence in their home. Violence doesn't have to be physical. It can be anything from be high voices and yelling to slamming doors and throwing things around. Many children who experience violence in their home describe how they haven't seen it, but heard it, and this will also create fear and trauma.

"My dad was the boss in the house. He didn't let me do anything. When my dad was home during the weekends he drank. Then he became drunk. The next day he was hangover, and then he was angry about everything. He was pretty mean".

(Interview with a young child taken from the book Barn som upplever våld. Pappas våld mot mamma - barns förståelse och komplexa offerskap. Gothia Förlag 2007 (transl. "Children who experience violence. The father's violence against the mother - children's understanding and complex victimhood.").

"The best thing for a child is to live at home" - Is this really true? 

Science have shown that it all depends on the situation. If there's violence in the home, the child may experience relief by not being a part of it. When interviewing children scientist have found out that the most important aspect of the life of a child is to feel safe.

Children who live with violence in their home may become traumatized. A trauma is an incident that is so frightening that it creates physiological and mental harm. The child hasn't chosen to live in their home, but they still have to be responsible for it and adapt to it. Many children whom seen violence in their home also show signs of emotional problems such as anxiety, depression and aggressiveness. they may also develop antisocial behaviors, in comparison to other children.


If you live in a violent family, seek help! You doesn't have to be alone!

Om du lever i en familj där det förekommer våld, så sök hjälp! Du behöver inte stå ensam i detta!

Take care!

/Carina

Consequences from constant stress

Maybe you think that you're about to loose your mind? You think about strange things, you do strange and confusing stuff. You can't concentrate on simple tasks. Do you recognize yourself in this behavior? 

If you do it's not surprising, if you're close to someone with alcohol- or drug addiction. As relatives we live with constant fear and stress. The feeling of stress comes from signals in your body that releases when you experience fear, and these signals are totally natural. Temporary stress, which occurs for instant when facing an acute and sudden threat, is a "healthy" kind of stress, since it may save us from danger.

However, relatives to people with alcohol- or drug addiction doesn't live with temporary stress, but with a constant feeling of danger, which may last for several years. This is when stress becomes dangerous. We're always on our guard. Our body and brain doesn't have the time to recover if we're constantly experience this feeling of fear.  

The constant stress may lead to us becoming confused, forgetful, unconcentrated and/or unlogical. We may even become limited in our cognitive abilities, which makes it hard for us to perceive and interpret the information around us.

If you recognize yourself in this type of behavior, you're not going crazy! But you probably need help in order to affect your body and your mind, and to calm yourself down.
 

Seek help! You're not alone! Talk to someone you trust. Contact support teams. Yoga or mindfulness may help. You need to find your own way! Consequences

Take care! 

Christmas & New Years Eve Help

A lot of people are looking forward to Christmas and New years eve. However, for many relatives to people with drug- or alcohol problems, these holidays may be very rough. Instead of peace, calmness and rest, the family may go through disappointment, anxiety or quarrels. 

Are you afraid that the upcoming holiday will be destroyed because of excessive drinking? Think about the following questions and suggestions to see if your answers might help you a little bit on the way. 

Questions and examples: 

• Are you able to celebrate Christmas somewhere else? If possible, be ready with a back-up plan if something were to go wrong.  

• What can you do if you can't handle the situation, but don't have anywhere else to go? Take a walk? Be with a pet whom gives you happiness? Talk to someone? Something else? 

• Think about who you can call if something were to go wrong/if you're sad. 

• Talk to the person with the addiction in advance. Tell him/her what you want the upcoming Christmas/New years eve to look like, what you're expecting. A suggestion might be to tell him/her what you/you and the rest of your family will do if things would go out of hand with the alcohol/drugs. (Important!: Don't give any ultimatum if you can't maintain them when the situation comes up!)

• If the person becomes aggressive, leave him/her be! Avoid any type of argumentation. Leave the house as soon as possible by yourself/with the rest of your family and call someone you trust, or the police, depending on the situation.

•  If possible, leave the person for a while and do something else by yourself/with the rest of your family. Something that brings you harmony and joy.  

If you have any experiences of these types of problems or if you have any advise that might help other relatives to people with alcohol- or drug addiction, please write a comment! This may help people in similar situations! 

Remember: it is not your fault!

Take care!

Guilt & Shame

Guilt and shame are natural feelings. However, when these feelings become excessive, one's self-image may become distorted. A relative to a person with an alcohol- or drug addiction is usually highly familiar to this type of guilt and shame. 

Shame afflicts one's self-respect and is connected to one's sense of existence and worth. 
Guilt is connected to the actions we may take.

As a relative we may try to hold up the facade of "normality". We think "what would my friends think of me?", "what will they say at work?", "what would the teachers of my children think?". The feeling of shame is strong - way stronger than our constructive thoughts. We might feel shame for not being able to do something, shame over our behavior and for being controlling, or shame for putting our children through misery.

The psychologist, therapist and author Marta Cullberg Weston writes in her book ”Från skam till självrespekt” (trans.: From shame to self-respect), how the shame and guilt we feel for bringing up our children in an unsafe environment is the hardest one, since children often don't speak of the problem, or have a hard time understanding and defining it.

Cullberg Weston writes about the difference between the temporary and the chronic shame. The temporary shame is connected to a single event or a specific situation, and might emerge when we've done a big mistake. Or for example when our spouse is very drunk and noisy at a dinner party with your good friends. Maybe we'll blush and feel "violated in our soul".
The chronic shame, however, is much more harmful and stem from one's self-image. This shame may make the person feel useless, not good enough and not worth loving. The background for chronic shame lies in the human need to be loved and accepted. As a baby we search for our mothers eyes in order to reassure that we are not alone, and in order to ensure our own survival.

We need to recognize our shame in order to face it. We need to face all the suppressed feelings we may have; guilt, anger, fear, sorrow and so on. One may easily become emotionally stuck in a relationship with an alcohol- or drug abuser. By recognizing these feelings we may start the process of becoming aware of how we want our lives to look like, and what to do in order to get there. Maybe we realize that the only thing we can do is to leave the relationship. A parent often find strength in their children; the thought of saving them becomes their driving force. The best way of getting rid of the shame and guilt is to focus only on the things you are able to influence, too look at yourself from outside and to clearly recognize your thoughts and feelings.


Do you feel guilt or shame even though you're not sure where these feelings come from? Think about the following questions:

"I don't want people to think that I am..."
"I don't want to be seen as a..."
"I think I would die if people recognized that I..."
"I can't bare the thought of people thinking of me like a..."

Face your shame instead of running away from it!
Recognize the problem and talk about it! You're worth it :)

Share your experiences!

Relatives to a people with alcohol- and drug abuse addiction are often very reluctant in sharing their experiences and thoughts. However, there are people all around us who suffer from the same daily struggle, who share the same experiences as you do. Take the courage to talk to each other! Do not shut everything inside, sharing will help unloading your burden. By exchanging thoughts, feelings and experiences you will strengthen each other.  

Work together as one, and become stronger!

New strength

It might feel contradictory to imagine that all the sad and painful experiences from living with a drug- and substance abuser actually may be valuable to us. Even if it feels hard, we must realize how the experiences have made us stronger in so many ways, and recognize all the new knowledge we have gain, both of ourselves and other people.

Can you think of any positive qualifications you might have gain from your experiences? 
Here are some examples given from relatives whom I have coached: 

• I've learned to say no. 
• I learned about humility and being non-judgmental.
• I now prioritize my own needs, and I help other seeing when they put aside their needs. 
• I now know that I can take care of myself. I feel much more secure and calm. 

Write down all the strengths that you have developed! 

To believe in the same thing over and over again

There are probably many relatives that can admit to having believed the addict when they said: "I'll drink less, I'll stop, I'll find help, I will… I will… I will… "

We want to believe it so badly, we build up our hopes and dreams around this. And we get just as disappointed each time.

Talking won't do it, in this case action is what counts. Words without action will simply make things end up like they were before.

How can we as relatives protect ourselves from the disappointments? How can we as relatives contribute to putting up more realistic and manageable goals? For ourselves and others involved?


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Watch out for the "Ultimatum-trap"

I might have brought up this trap before, but it's worth to mention over and over.

There is a thing that relatives of substance abusers can make sure to do. And that is to avoid what I call the "Ultimatum-trap". It only puts the realtive in tough positions.

This is usually how it happens:

Relative: If you drink/do drugs again I will leave you! 
Addict: I promise. I will never drink/do drugs again. Don't leave me!

And so times move on. The person with the substance abuse-problems manages to stay sober for awhile. But eventually the drugs and the alcohol slowly start showing up again.

The relative gets very disappointed and sad. But does not leave. The relative does not keep to their ultimatum but stays where they are.

This have different effects, such as:
* The addict thinks: Aha! She/he does not leave. I can keep on drinking/doing drugs.
* The relative feels guilt and shame for not standing up for themselves and their own values.
* The relative accepts their boundaries to be moved further. You start accepting things you never thought you would allow.
* The realtive let themselves down, and stops believing in their own words, they see them as empty threats.
* The addict does also not believe what the relative says anymore. He/she threatened to leave before, it's going to pass.

There are surely other negative consequences that you can think of.

So, to avoid the "ultimatum-trap", that we often step into because we mean what we say right in that moment and because we are frustrated and hurt, it is better to keep quiet. Say something else instead. Tell the addict what you think of the alcohol/drug. But don't utter any ultimatums if you are not one hundred percent sure that you will keep to it.

Be strong!

/Carina

"Tough love"

Tough love. Have you heard the expression before? I have heard it so many times that you should use "tough love" towards the person with substance abuse. But what exactly is "tough love" Can love be tough? Or is it about functional and respectful attitude, towards yourself and others? How do you interpret "tough love"? Please write in the comments and tell us your views and experiences of this!

I interpret tough love to mean:

* To clearly communicate your values​​, what you think is okay or not.

* To stand up for your own values ​​and not compromise or violate what you believe in.
* Be clear and respectful in your communication and not ramble.

* To not accept what does not feel good for yourself.

* Do not take the negative consequences of drug use for the person with alcohol and drug problems.
* Let him or her handle and take responsibility for the negative consequences that the alcohol or drugs created for them.

* To not allow yourself to believe in lies, instead believe in what you see.

* To support the person with the dependency problem when he/she makes a change to become clean and sober. (For example, when he/she goes into treatment, attend AA meetings, etc.)

What does "tough love" mean to you?

/Carina

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