Consequences from constant stress

Maybe you think that you're about to loose your mind? You think about strange things, you do strange and confusing stuff. You can't concentrate on simple tasks. Do you recognize yourself in this behavior? 

If you do it's not surprising, if you're close to someone with alcohol- or drug addiction. As relatives we live with constant fear and stress. The feeling of stress comes from signals in your body that releases when you experience fear, and these signals are totally natural. Temporary stress, which occurs for instant when facing an acute and sudden threat, is a "healthy" kind of stress, since it may save us from danger.

However, relatives to people with alcohol- or drug addiction doesn't live with temporary stress, but with a constant feeling of danger, which may last for several years. This is when stress becomes dangerous. We're always on our guard. Our body and brain doesn't have the time to recover if we're constantly experience this feeling of fear.  

The constant stress may lead to us becoming confused, forgetful, unconcentrated and/or unlogical. We may even become limited in our cognitive abilities, which makes it hard for us to perceive and interpret the information around us.

If you recognize yourself in this type of behavior, you're not going crazy! But you probably need help in order to affect your body and your mind, and to calm yourself down.
 

Seek help! You're not alone! Talk to someone you trust. Contact support teams. Yoga or mindfulness may help. You need to find your own way! Consequences

Take care! 

The roller coaster

All of you that live with a person with addiction and substance abuse problems surely know how emotions go up and down. Black or white. You can hate, love and have great sorrows all in one hour. The emotions change quickly. It's exhausting and confusing.
My tip is to practice ACCEPTANCE! To accept that the emotions go back and forth. It is OK. You are not meant to act on every emotion that comes along! That can lead to doing actions that you later regret. And it can get unpredictable consequences. Pain and anger can make us act in a way that we later on wish we wouldn't have.

Instead, practice on accepting your emotions. They come and go. They don't stay forever. It is OK that they are there and you don't have to do anything about them. Just see them and acknowledge that they are there right now and they will go away.
Accept that things aren't black and white, there are many gray zones. Accept that a coin has two sides. Just because there is a good, nice and lovable side it doesn't mean that there isn't a darker and more destructive side as well. And vice versa. It's OK. You don't need to put meaning or a value on your thoughts and feelings and you don't need to act on them. You can breath calmly and accept that they are there and they come and go.

Calm breaths, in and out...

Control is an illusion...

My fantastic coach-colleague and author Emma Pihl has written wise things about control in the book "Let go - be free from your control needs."

Quote:
The truth is that it really doesn't matter if we try to control or if we let it go; we cannot, in any case, determine the future. Control is an illusion that creates a false sense of safety in our lives. That illusion can become so addictive that it no longer is we ourselves that decide that we want to continue controlling. The control has started to control us."

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Are you looking for the truth in the wrong place?

As a relative to an addict you suffer from anxiety every now and then. Has the person been drinking or taking drugs? Or not? Maybe we recognize behavior from other times when the person has been using. We get a bad feeling in our guts, something does not feel right, but we don't want to believe that the person has started using or drinking again.

When we feel the anxiety and suspiciousness we seek security and assurance. We ask the addict if they are lying. If he/she has been taking drugs or been drinking. The problem, however, is that the person that possibly did drink/take drugs will probably lie because of these reasons:

1) The person wants to protect the drug and wants to use their drug alone.
2) The person says whatever you want to hear to avoid making a big deal out of it.

So if you are seeking the truth you must seek in the right place. Either through fact, that the person takes a drug-test or breath-test. Or that you turn to a professional with a lot of knowledge about addiction and using behavior. There you can get an un-biased view of what you are worrying about.

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Stress management

Many of the problems relatives are experiencing physically and psychologically, is a result of prolonged stress. Relatives often live under constant stress and fear, sometimes for many years. It naturally has consequences, on both your physical and psychical wellbeing.

Therefore I'll give you some tips on stress management: 

 * Exercise mindfulness! The method is based on meditiation techniques and psychological knowledge of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Research has shown good results for people with depression and stress. 

* Physical activity! Also physical activity has shown good results for people who are experiencing stress and are depressed. A little physical activity is better than nothing! 15 minutes every day is a good first step.

* Go out and enjoy nature! Nature has a calming effect. Smell and appearance of trees, flowers, water ... 

* Sleep! Make sure you sleep! You need recovery and a peaceful sleep. Switch off your phone at night and have the same routine every night. This makes it easier to fall asleep. If you experience very restless sleep, difficulty sleeping or wake up in the small hours at 03:00, then it may be time to talk about your problem to a doctor. 

* Laugh! Treat yourself to humor and joy in everyday life. Watch a comedy, go for fun theater or stand-up comedy, or spend time with a friend you can laugh along with. 

* Say no! Recognize your limitations and that you need time to take care of yourself. Prioritize yourself!

You are No. 1! Take care of yourself!

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What can you say no to?

Have you lost your energy and enthusiasm, perhaps because you worry a lot and take responsibility not only for your own life but also for several other people's lives?

What can you say no to?

What do you do in this moment that you really want to say no to?

If you say no to a commitment, can you then say yes to something you'd rather focus on?

In what way can you save more energy in your everyday life?

Tip!

Follow your gut-feeling. Does it say yes or no?

If you are unsure of what you want to do, announce that you will reply, but that you first have to check some things before you can give a straight answer. This gives you time to consider if you want this or if it's something you would prefer to say no to.

Give yourself rest and energy!

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Like putting your hand on the hot stove, over and over again.

It's wondrous how, as a relative, you have a behaviour similar to putting your hand on the hot stove, over and over again. And not learn from the previous result. I look back on the times when I did exactly that. A kind of inner stubbornness that drives you to do the same thing over and over again, without learning what has already been effective or not. Despite all my well-meant efforts to get the other free from the shackles of drugs or alcohol, nothing of what I tried produced any desirable (in my opinion) results, but rather made me end up feeling frustrated about not being listened to and having drained a lot of my energy. Still, I don't quit. Instead, the next time, I do the exact same thing. For instance nagging, begging, prying, trying to talk sens into the other, issuing ultimatums, etc.

This goes against all theories of learning. When you do something, learn from the outcome and do differently next time if the last time's result is not proved positive. There may be various reasons for this obstinacy. It may be the hope that never gives up, that makes me fall into the pattern to try to convince and persuade the other person about how important change is and make me ignore the fact that I already tried this several times over. Another reason may be that I'm stuck in a role. I don't know what I would do if I didn't do just this: nag, beg, try to convince, issue ultimatums. I am stuck in a pattern, even I myself don't believe that my efforts will give any different results next time, but I have no alternative way to handle it.

* Are you stuck in a pattern of your relative's abuse problems, which means you lose lots of energy?

* Do you do something over and over again, even though it remained unsuccessful also in the past?

* What are the consequences for you? (E.g., frustration, fatigue, etc.)

* What can you do differently next time?

* How can you break the pattern and what can you do instead?

* Are you willing to test?

Do you think this blog can be helpful to other relatives? Please help to spread it! You can do this through Facebook and Twitter.

Self-help manual, For relatives of substance abusers

People who live close to somebody with a substance abuse problem often get caught up in the strong destructive feelings and actions that substance abuse involves. It causes worry, stress and anxiety. The self-help manual contains facts about being a relative to a person with alcohol- and substance problems and exercises and tools that focus on relatives' development and well-being. 

Read more or buy the self-help manual as an e-book here. If you have read the self-help manual I would be happy if you wanted to share some reflections in the comments!

Best wishes!

/Carina

Help or aggravate?

Does it help if I protect the addict from the consequences of addiction? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the addict believe he doesn't need to take responsibility for the consequences?

Does it help if I pay drug debts? Or do I instead aggravate the situation by making the person able to buy more drugs for the money?

Does it help if I wipe up the vomit after a drunk night? Or do I aggravate the situation since the drinker then thinks that he can continue to drink and it'll work out anyway?

Does it help if I pay the rent for the person who has been drinking or bought drugs for their money? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the abuser believe he doesn't need to take responsibility for the consequences of using the money for alcohol and drugs?

Does it help if I call in sick for my wife/husband/children if the person is unfit to go to work? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the person believe they don't have to deal with the negative consequences of drinking/drug use?

Does it help if I lie in favor of the abuser? Or do I aggravate the situation once again since he then wouldn't need to see the negative consequences of drug use?

Help or aggravate?
What is helpfull?

 

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In 2 years?

If you would live like you do now 2 years longer, how would you feel then? If you have not made ​​any change at all, how would you then feel in 2 years? If you continue like now, where are you in 2 years?

Emotionally?

Physically?

Socially?

Leisure?

Career?

Joy?

Quality of life?

Balance?

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Love = live together?

There is one thing that I keep thinking about: do you really have to live together with a person just because you love him/her?

Often I hear people justify their stay in destructive relationships with the phrase: "But I love him!" and therefore let their limits be moved, let themselves be exposed to the situations that hurt them, allow themselves to live in a relationship where they don't feel good. Because they love someone..

Set your limit!

For families, it is easy to push their limits in favor of the other person that suffers from psychological problems. Little by little we begin to compromise on things that are important to us, things that make us feel good, to instead take care of the person who drinks or takes drugs. He/she can’t take care of himself. We take on more responsibility and heavier burdens for the convenience of the addict. Eventually, we are in a situation where we accept things we never thought we would accept. And also in a situation where we maybe are just extremely tired and worn out, because apart from our own responsibilities we already have, we've also taken on the responsibility of another grown up persons life.

It’s not uncommon that you as a family member also take lots of different roles that are really professional occupations. Perhaps we act as police officers, nurses, psychologists and financial managers. In the end, we can’t take it anymore. Many times the question pops up: How long can I have it like this? When is it enough?