What do you carry on your back?

We all have emotions and memories that burdens our lives. It can be from the childhood, catastrophes, broken relationships and so on.

We store them in our minds so that they are not visible on our surface. We hide it well. But when someone wants to get closer to us and opens the door to our inner memories it will all come tumbling down.

Instead of treading on or walking around it, it might be time to clean out you inner emotions. Make a decision and throw away everything negative and never let it disturb you again, like ripping out the pages of a book.

You can turn this into a defined exercise if that will help you more. Take some post-it notes and a trash can. Write down one negative emotion/memory on each post-it note and throw them one by one in the trash can.

Some old dark clouds that roam in you present mind are harder to get rid of than others. Then you can write them down and also answer these questions:
*WHAT can I do to leave this behind?
*WHAT do I need to succeed with this?
*WHEN should I do it?

HOW you do it can vary greatly, anything from getting therapy-treatment, to talk to someone that might be one source of your troubles, or cut of the contact to someone, or to write a letter to someone you never usually write to, or to pay debts (both financial and emotional). Yes, it can be anything. Only you know what you need to do.

If you clean out the old baggage you will have the possibility to write new pages and chapters in the future!

Have a wonderful day!

/Carina

Consequences from constant stress

Maybe you think that you're about to loose your mind? You think about strange things, you do strange and confusing stuff. You can't concentrate on simple tasks. Do you recognize yourself in this behavior? 

If you do it's not surprising, if you're close to someone with alcohol- or drug addiction. As relatives we live with constant fear and stress. The feeling of stress comes from signals in your body that releases when you experience fear, and these signals are totally natural. Temporary stress, which occurs for instant when facing an acute and sudden threat, is a "healthy" kind of stress, since it may save us from danger.

However, relatives to people with alcohol- or drug addiction doesn't live with temporary stress, but with a constant feeling of danger, which may last for several years. This is when stress becomes dangerous. We're always on our guard. Our body and brain doesn't have the time to recover if we're constantly experience this feeling of fear.  

The constant stress may lead to us becoming confused, forgetful, unconcentrated and/or unlogical. We may even become limited in our cognitive abilities, which makes it hard for us to perceive and interpret the information around us.

If you recognize yourself in this type of behavior, you're not going crazy! But you probably need help in order to affect your body and your mind, and to calm yourself down.
 

Seek help! You're not alone! Talk to someone you trust. Contact support teams. Yoga or mindfulness may help. You need to find your own way! Consequences

Take care! 

Christmas & New Years Eve Help

A lot of people are looking forward to Christmas and New years eve. However, for many relatives to people with drug- or alcohol problems, these holidays may be very rough. Instead of peace, calmness and rest, the family may go through disappointment, anxiety or quarrels. 

Are you afraid that the upcoming holiday will be destroyed because of excessive drinking? Think about the following questions and suggestions to see if your answers might help you a little bit on the way. 

Questions and examples: 

• Are you able to celebrate Christmas somewhere else? If possible, be ready with a back-up plan if something were to go wrong.  

• What can you do if you can't handle the situation, but don't have anywhere else to go? Take a walk? Be with a pet whom gives you happiness? Talk to someone? Something else? 

• Think about who you can call if something were to go wrong/if you're sad. 

• Talk to the person with the addiction in advance. Tell him/her what you want the upcoming Christmas/New years eve to look like, what you're expecting. A suggestion might be to tell him/her what you/you and the rest of your family will do if things would go out of hand with the alcohol/drugs. (Important!: Don't give any ultimatum if you can't maintain them when the situation comes up!)

• If the person becomes aggressive, leave him/her be! Avoid any type of argumentation. Leave the house as soon as possible by yourself/with the rest of your family and call someone you trust, or the police, depending on the situation.

•  If possible, leave the person for a while and do something else by yourself/with the rest of your family. Something that brings you harmony and joy.  

If you have any experiences of these types of problems or if you have any advise that might help other relatives to people with alcohol- or drug addiction, please write a comment! This may help people in similar situations! 

Remember: it is not your fault!

Take care!

Guilt & Shame

Guilt and shame are natural feelings. However, when these feelings become excessive, one's self-image may become distorted. A relative to a person with an alcohol- or drug addiction is usually highly familiar to this type of guilt and shame. 

Shame afflicts one's self-respect and is connected to one's sense of existence and worth. 
Guilt is connected to the actions we may take.

As a relative we may try to hold up the facade of "normality". We think "what would my friends think of me?", "what will they say at work?", "what would the teachers of my children think?". The feeling of shame is strong - way stronger than our constructive thoughts. We might feel shame for not being able to do something, shame over our behavior and for being controlling, or shame for putting our children through misery.

The psychologist, therapist and author Marta Cullberg Weston writes in her book ”Från skam till självrespekt” (trans.: From shame to self-respect), how the shame and guilt we feel for bringing up our children in an unsafe environment is the hardest one, since children often don't speak of the problem, or have a hard time understanding and defining it.

Cullberg Weston writes about the difference between the temporary and the chronic shame. The temporary shame is connected to a single event or a specific situation, and might emerge when we've done a big mistake. Or for example when our spouse is very drunk and noisy at a dinner party with your good friends. Maybe we'll blush and feel "violated in our soul".
The chronic shame, however, is much more harmful and stem from one's self-image. This shame may make the person feel useless, not good enough and not worth loving. The background for chronic shame lies in the human need to be loved and accepted. As a baby we search for our mothers eyes in order to reassure that we are not alone, and in order to ensure our own survival.

We need to recognize our shame in order to face it. We need to face all the suppressed feelings we may have; guilt, anger, fear, sorrow and so on. One may easily become emotionally stuck in a relationship with an alcohol- or drug abuser. By recognizing these feelings we may start the process of becoming aware of how we want our lives to look like, and what to do in order to get there. Maybe we realize that the only thing we can do is to leave the relationship. A parent often find strength in their children; the thought of saving them becomes their driving force. The best way of getting rid of the shame and guilt is to focus only on the things you are able to influence, too look at yourself from outside and to clearly recognize your thoughts and feelings.


Do you feel guilt or shame even though you're not sure where these feelings come from? Think about the following questions:

"I don't want people to think that I am..."
"I don't want to be seen as a..."
"I think I would die if people recognized that I..."
"I can't bare the thought of people thinking of me like a..."

Face your shame instead of running away from it!
Recognize the problem and talk about it! You're worth it :)

Share your experiences!

Relatives to a people with alcohol- and drug abuse addiction are often very reluctant in sharing their experiences and thoughts. However, there are people all around us who suffer from the same daily struggle, who share the same experiences as you do. Take the courage to talk to each other! Do not shut everything inside, sharing will help unloading your burden. By exchanging thoughts, feelings and experiences you will strengthen each other.  

Work together as one, and become stronger!

New strength

It might feel contradictory to imagine that all the sad and painful experiences from living with a drug- and substance abuser actually may be valuable to us. Even if it feels hard, we must realize how the experiences have made us stronger in so many ways, and recognize all the new knowledge we have gain, both of ourselves and other people.

Can you think of any positive qualifications you might have gain from your experiences? 
Here are some examples given from relatives whom I have coached: 

• I've learned to say no. 
• I learned about humility and being non-judgmental.
• I now prioritize my own needs, and I help other seeing when they put aside their needs. 
• I now know that I can take care of myself. I feel much more secure and calm. 

Write down all the strengths that you have developed! 

Do the kids understand more than we think?

As parents we naturally want our kids to be happy, feel good and secure. It is therefore hard to make yourself realise that the kids also are affected by the grown-up's alchohol and drug abuse.

In many cases the adults do their drinking or intake of the drug in a way that is the least harmful for the kids possible, and often you can hear relatives make statements such as:

"No, the kids don't notice anything, he/she drinks only when they have gone to sleep"

"The kids don't know about this, he/she becomes extra nice to them when he/she drinks"

"You don't notice when he/she is drunk, it is only I who see it"

And so on...

It is a common misconception that children do not understand just because they are not present during the actual intake and perhaps not during the intoxication either. Children not only affected by the alcohol, children are affected by the relationship between the adults.

If there frequently is a bad atmosphere, conflicts, blame, isolating silences and so on, the children are affected by it, regardless if they see the intake of the drug or not. They might not understand exactly what the problem is, but they can see that someting is wrong. And if nobody talks to the child about this, the risk is that the child takes the blame for the family problems.

Another common reaction from the children is that they are angry with the other parent (not the user) because they feel that it is them who fights, are angry, nag and creates conflicts, because they don't understand the real problem.

In conclusion: Kids are affected and sense/understand more than we think they do.

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