Shame afflicts one's self-respect and is connected to one's sense of existence and worth.
Guilt is connected to the actions we may take.
As a relative we may try to hold up the facade of "normality". We think "what would my friends think of me?", "what will they say at work?", "what would the teachers of my children think?". The feeling of shame is strong - way stronger than our constructive thoughts. We might feel shame for not being able to do something, shame over our behavior and for being controlling, or shame for putting our children through misery.
The psychologist, therapist and author Marta Cullberg Weston writes in her book ”Från skam till självrespekt” (trans.: From shame to self-respect), how the shame and guilt we feel for bringing up our children in an unsafe environment is the hardest one, since children often don't speak of the problem, or have a hard time understanding and defining it.
Cullberg Weston writes about the difference between the temporary and the chronic shame. The temporary shame is connected to a single event or a specific situation, and might emerge when we've done a big mistake. Or for example when our spouse is very drunk and noisy at a dinner party with your good friends. Maybe we'll blush and feel "violated in our soul".
The chronic shame, however, is much more harmful and stem from one's self-image. This shame may make the person feel useless, not good enough and not worth loving. The background for chronic shame lies in the human need to be loved and accepted. As a baby we search for our mothers eyes in order to reassure that we are not alone, and in order to ensure our own survival.
We need to recognize our shame in order to face it. We need to face all the suppressed feelings we may have; guilt, anger, fear, sorrow and so on. One may easily become emotionally stuck in a relationship with an alcohol- or drug abuser. By recognizing these feelings we may start the process of becoming aware of how we want our lives to look like, and what to do in order to get there. Maybe we realize that the only thing we can do is to leave the relationship. A parent often find strength in their children; the thought of saving them becomes their driving force. The best way of getting rid of the shame and guilt is to focus only on the things you are able to influence, too look at yourself from outside and to clearly recognize your thoughts and feelings.
Do you feel guilt or shame even though you're not sure where these feelings come from? Think about the following questions:
"I don't want people to think that I am..."
"I don't want to be seen as a..."
"I think I would die if people recognized that I..."
"I can't bare the thought of people thinking of me like a..."
Face your shame instead of running away from it!
Recognize the problem and talk about it! You're worth it :)
