Excerpt from the Self-Help Manual for Relatives of Substance Abusers:
Test the exercise on your situation! Please write in the comments your thoughts and reflections
"In a destructive relationship, other people often wonder why the
couple stay together, why they do not split up. Why the person stays, even when
it is clear that the relationship is destructive and that the person is being
badly treated and would be better off by her/himself. But the people who live
in this sort of relationship often find something positive in it that no one
else can see or understand. It can be, for example, that they feel safe. People
often stay in a relationship because they feel safe: they know what they have
but not what they might get. It is easy for us to be scared of change and new
situations. Even when you are in a destructive relationship, you can still feel
safe in it.
Another reason for staying is the fear of being alone – it seems preferable
to stay in the relationship you have. There are many different reasons why
people choose to stay or elect not to change the situation. Also, the feeling
of being needed by someone can be important. This makes us feel valued,
important and appreciated by somebody. That feeling can be a reason why we do
not look for change. The feeling of being needed by somebody raises our
self-esteem temporarily. We seldom ask ourselves: ”Do I need this person?” “Do
I need this situation?” “Do I need to be treated in this way?”
Take a look at your own life and situation. Write down the benefits of your
current situation as well as the negative parts and consequences. Analyse all
the perspectives; your emotions, your physical and material situation, economy
and relations.
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Positive sides of the current situation:
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Negative sides of the current situation
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E.g. I like to feel needed
Safety
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E.g. It takes up all my
energy
Worries
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All the best!
/Carina
