About being thankful

Science have shown that being grateful makes us happier.
So, think about the questions below!

- What are you thankful for?

- Think about what you have in your life. What makes you happy? 

- Do you have any resources or personal strengths that you are thankful for? 

- Have you done something that you are very proud of?

- Have someone else done something important for you that helped you/made you happy? 

- Do you have someone whom you love, and why do you love this person/animal? 


If you feel guilt when thinking about some of these questions, or if you feel shame for not "being thankful enough", please don't! It's not easy to remember the good things when life is hard. Thinking about things that makes you thankful and happy may be good to do sometimes. This may give you new strength, if only for a while. Remind yourself! And remember, you have the right to be thankful! 

 Please comment if you have examples, answers or thoughts! 

Take care!
/Carina

Exercise: A new perspective!

A problem that currently might seem overwhelming can in a couple of years appear pretty simple. When you are in the middle of a problem you get emotionally affected and it can be hard to see the problem from other perspectives, from outside. Sometimes it can be good to take a step back and try to see the situation from another angle.

Here is an exercise on perspectives that can be helpful to you! Writing down your answers on a paper will help.

- Imagine it being ten years from now and look back at this situation, what would you think then? What advice might you give yourself?

- If it instead was your best friend being in the situation you are in, what would you advise them to do?

- If you were a statistician and you looked back on how your life has been statistically the last year, number of good days, number of bad days, number of consequences of alcohol/drug addiction and so on. What conclusion would the statistics make you come to?

- If you worked for a relief organization (eg Red Cross) or the social services: What would you then think was the problem that most urgently needed to be taken care of? What would be the most important thing to do as step 1?

These are only some of 1000 different perspectives you can see things from. If you find other helpful perspectives, use them as well!

Exercise - create guidelines for the relationship!

Mapping to create your own guidelines regarding the contact with your relative.

Think about how you feel after different situations arise in your relationship with your relative with addiction problems. Put a mark on the scale that tells how you were affected by that situation. From your mapping you can then create your guidelines to influence the relationship so that it becomes manageable for you!

To meet the relative when they are under the influence:

Feels good!                                                                              Feels awful!

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10  

To meet the relative when they are sober/clean: 

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10 

To talk to the person on the phone when they are under the influence:

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10

To talk to the person on the phone when they are sober/clean:

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10

When you have the phone on during the night in case they'll call:

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10

To read texts the person wrote to you:

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10 

To follow up what the person does by asking friends, updates on facebook and so on:

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10

To talk about some topics with the person (What topics?.....................................………)

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10 

Other situation where my wellbeing is affected by the relationship to my relative……………………..

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10

Other situation where my wellbeing is affected by the relationship to my relative……………………..

+ 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – -10

Based on what conclusion you came to in your own evalu-
ation, how do you want the continued contact to be so that 
you can protect yourself from what hurts the most?

My guidelines for the relationship:

For me to feel good, my relationship needs to be like this:

(How often, in what way, what will the relationship contain?)

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

What needs to be changed?

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

What will I do to make sure I stick to my guidelines?

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

Good luck!

/Carina

Exercise for managing decision anxiety

Decision anxiety. Do you relate to it? To vacillate between different decisions, yes or no, back and forth. It is tedious and tiring. It is a relief once you come to a decision that you settle for.

Sometimes you can be afraid of the pain that comes if you choose to make a change. On the other hand, it could mean a greater pain to not make a change. 

An exercise that can be helpful in decision anxiety is often called "The Ambivalence cross".

Write down the pros and cons of the situation just as it is now and then the pros and cons of change.

Sometimes it becomes very clear what is best to do when one column gets longer and has more important points than the other. Else, it is not as clear, but on the other hand you got to sort out what really is at stake and what affects you in the matter.

Advantages of the current situation	Advantages of change
Disadvantages of the current situation	Disadvantages of change

It is quite common that under "Disadvantages of Change" will be listed different fears we have for change. If that is the case when you filled in the cross, you can reflect further on what to do to fix, manage and minimize these obstacles and fears of change.

Write in the comments if you get stuck or have questions about the exercise!

/Carina 

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Excerpt from the Self-Help Manual

Excerpt from the Self-Help Manual for Relatives of Substance Abusers: 

"In a destructive relationship, other people often wonder why the couple stay together, why they do not split up. Why the person stays, even when it is clear that the relationship is destructive and that the person is being badly treated and would be better off by her/himself. But the people who live in this sort of relationship often find something positive in it that no one else can see or understand. It can be, for example, that they feel safe. People often stay in a relationship because they feel safe: they know what they have but not what they might get. It is easy for us to be scared of change and new situations. Even when you are in a destructive relationship, you can still feel safe in it.  

Another reason for staying is the fear of being alone – it seems preferable to stay in the relationship you have. There are many different reasons why people choose to stay or elect not to change the situation. Also, the feeling of being needed by someone can be important. This makes us feel valued, important and appreciated by somebody. That feeling can be a reason why we do not look for change. The feeling of being needed by somebody raises our self-esteem temporarily. We seldom ask ourselves: ”Do I need this person?” “Do I need this situation?” “Do I need to be treated in this way?”  

Take a look at your own life and situation. Write down the benefits of your current situation as well as the negative parts and consequences. Analyse all the perspectives; your emotions, your physical and material situation, economy and relations. 

Positive sides of the current situation:	Negative sides of the current situation
E.g. I like to feel needed Safety	E.g. It takes up all my energy Worries

Test the exercise on your situation! Please write in the comments your thoughts and reflections

 

All the best!

/Carina