How are you affected by the addiction?

A person in denial of his/her addiction will often tries to protect this addiction, especially to his/her relatives. All attempts made by a relative to communicate  may be turned against him/her (saying that he/she is "hysterical" or that hi/she have an "active imagination"). If you are constantly being told that you are crazy, you may finally begin to distrust your own judgment. It becomes even more complicated you are financially dependent or have children with the person.

Many family members in therapy express how almost everything revolves around the addict, and that their own needs come in second hand, even in the therapy sessions. It gets even more complicated when family members are used to the situation they're in, which often leads to that they normalizes the things that actually are abnormal.

What many relatives to people with addiction experience is that they:

•      Tolerate things that they otherwise would not tolerate
•      Sacrifice their own time and expecting to receive something back
•      Do things for others, that they should not do for themselves
•      Act against their own beliefs (eg. Nags, pleads, blames or screams)
•      Create an ultimatum that they never keep
•      Make great efforts to build a facade in front of others
•      Create a strong, irrational belief that "only X does this, everything will be fine"
•      Struggle hard to remain calm
•      Accept a life of drama and chaos

By communicating with other people in your own situation you may be able to express your feelings and thus clarify the situation, realizing what actually is "normal" to accept. It can also help you realize that there are so many others who are going through the same thing as you.

  

Source: Rydberg, Kristin and Sundby, Erik, from:  

Det är inte kärlek - när sex blir en drog (trans. It is not love - when sex becomes a drug (2012)

Handling Sexual Addiction

Being close to a person with a sexual addiction can cause suffering of many kinds, such as anger, fear and emotional stress. Other common reactions is that the relative might try to hide what is happening to other people, but also to him/herself, in an attempt to protect him/herself from unpleasant truths that can be hard to handle.

Common reactions:

1.     Trying to repress problems
2.     Trying to gain control over the abuser
3.     Trying to protect the addicted person of the negative impacts created by his/her alcohol /drug-using

Thoughts about what will happen next may take over hand for a relative to a person with a sexual addiction. One may, for example, go through the person's pockets, bags, computer or phone. If this behavior starts to take over the relative's life or affect other parts of his/her life negatively he/she is probably on his/her way down a dark path. You may start to make an effort to maintain control so much that your own needs (dreams, visions, relationships, etc.) are pushed aside. When you're forced to lie in order to protect the addict, feelings of shame and guilt arise.

A distinction is often made based on sex addiction from other types of addiction; sex addiction may be very stigmatized and often include strong feelings of betrayal and shame. Infidelity or an extremely promiscuous behavior is often condemned by the society or relatives, and it often creates pain and chaos in relationships.
 

If you recognize your self in this text, you might feel that you need help. I strongly recommend that you look for a therapist with knowledge about addiction and sex-addiction. You could have a happier life! You are worth it!

Source: Rydberg, Kristin and Sundby, Erik, from:  Det är inte kärlek - när sex blir en drog (trans. It is not love - when sex becomes a drug (2012)

Fulfill your dreams!

All of us have some kind of dream or visualization of how we want our future to look like. We constantly visualize and talk about our dreams, but the truth is that only 1 out of 9 fulfill these dreams.

In this video Patti Dobrowolski explains in a very inspiring way how we can use our imagination, creativity and feelings to fulfill our dream, through 3 simple steps:

1. SEE IT
2. BELIEVE IT
3. ACT ON IT

Take 10 minutes of your time and be inspired!

Enabling addiction

This short video show us what we unconsciously might do to enable our relatives addiction, for example; giving him/her money without knowing what's it for, helping him/her with things that she/he can't do because of the addiction or avoiding talking to him/her about the problem.

The fear of relapse

A lot of relatives fear that their loved one might relapse into addiction. It's easy to put up a lot of high expectations when someone's been sober/free of drugs for some weeks/months.

However, science shows that the odds of remaining abstinent rise if the person has been abstinent for 1 to 3 years. After 3 years, the recovery rate remains high. Therefore addiction requires an ongoing and active disease management strategy.

Source: NIDA (National Institute on Drug Abuse)

A relapse is often a part of the process of becoming sober and drug free. How can you as a relative protect yourself if an eventual relapse occurs? Think about what you have the power to change, but significantly, what you actually can't change. Don't forget that everything that has to do with your loved ones' addiction is not your responsibility! It's the liability and choices of the addict.

Read more on NIDAs website: 

http://www.drugabuse.gov/

Take care!

Self-Help Manual: To help you as an relative

Through the support of the book "Self-Help Manual For Relatives of Substance Abusers", the hope is for the reader to come closer to the goals and dreams that they have. The book provides the perspectives of the relative's situation, and contains self-help exercises for the reader. It is for those who want to start a gradual process to a larger well-being.  

These are some things that people have told me about how the self-help manual has helped them:

• "Before reading the book I didn't feel strong enough to tell my relative how i felt, but now I have the courage and the strength to bring up sensitive topics."
  
  

  "The exercises in this manual have made me understand some things about my own behavior, and about my relative who is a substance addict. It has made me think differently."

  "I have made a huge progress. My distress over my mothers substance abuse is all in all gone."

  "The manual is comforting and something that I can go back to and read whenever I want."
  "It has helped me understand more about my substance abusing relative, but also about my self and my own needs
  
  

  "The self-help manual feels like a trusted friend that I can come back to if I need to".

  "I'm not dwelling on things that have been as much anymore, the things I did wrong, what I could have done differently and so on.""I got a new picture of what I can change and what is my responsibility, and what isn’t. It has also changed the way I communicate with my relative with alcohol problems"

Read more about the self-help manual here.