Don't Become a Control Addict

Do you live with a loved one who has a serious addiction? You have exhausted your options and are doing all you can do to aid the situation in your household. Now you have decided it's time to take matters in your own hands and take control. You feel that if you take control, it will help you better manage or change the other person. While this option may seem more acceptable to you, step back for a moment and consider this.

A controlling nature can lead to an addiction of your own. The strong need for control. As you begin to squeeze down on the situation at hand, you could experience anxiety, shortness of breath, fast heart beat, or panic when you feel that you have lost control. These symptoms will then disappear again, when you are back in control. Because there is no way for you to stay in control all of the time, you will be in for an emotional rollercoaster. This, in turn, begins a vicious never ending circle. It may not be on purpose, but you have now formed your own dependency of control!

Don't worry, you are not alone. It's very common. There are some tell-tale signs to help you know if you have fallen into or are entering the "control-zone". Here are some questions to help you conduct a self examination.

• In what kind of ways do you try to control your loved ones drug/alcohol intake? (i.e. "I hide the drugs/alcohol". "I gave an ultimatum". "I set up "rules." "I sit home at night waiting them to arrive home.")

• In what ways do you seek to gain control? (i.e. "By throwing away the drugs". "By using extreme ultimatums." "I want to know everything that is going on at all times." etc).

• What do you think would happen if you let go of the control? Would your/your loved ones situation be any different?  (i.e. "My home situation would become chaotic."  "I would have time to hang out with my friends instead of sitting home waiting for him/her". "The situation of my loved one would actually not be any different." etc.)

• What type of control-"behavior" would be easiest for you to let go of? (i.e. "sit home waiting at night" etc.)

Use the answers to these questions to assess your situation, and began to develop a plan to release your control and redirect your energies on standards that will not allow you to develop addictions due to the addiction situation.

Addiction, shame and stigma

Over 20 million people are struggling with drug- or alcohol problems, but only about 2 million of them receive treatment. Why? 

One of the reasons has to do with our view of the person with an addiction. Many people put labels on the person; he/she has a bad character and ought to straighten up. This label is also transmitted onto the families; “what kind of family let this happen?” Relatives are often questioned by outsiders, like friends, colleagues or neighbors. These “third parties” may also have a variety of advices for the families, for example: "Make sure he obtains a hobby in order to be detached from the alcohol/drugs!" Yes, if only it were that easy to make someone recover from an illness. The stigma of addiction prevents so many people from seeking help, just because of the fear of being labeled by others!

Addiction is defined by the American Society of Addiction Medicine as a "primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory, and related circuitry." Addiction changes the structure of the brain and its ability to function. Despite this, many people still look at alcohol and drug addiction as a moral dilemma.

Karen is 62 years old and the mother of the now sober 39-year-old Marcus. He's been clean for many years, but it's not until now that she've begun to talk about what she experienced during the time of his addiction. She was always afraid of what others would think of her. It made her quiet and she suffered a lot more than she had to. For there is help to be given out there.

Denial, blame, anger and bitterness are all common attributes in families that are affected by the disease of addiction. It is often uncomfortable for families to talk to their friends and/or relatives about the problem, and they are often afraid to seek support. But talking about it is very important when it comes to their own well-being, provided that they get the opportunity to talk to non-judgmental people. If a person is judged during the conversation, there's a risk that he/she feels even more shame and therefore gets even more isolated.

Karen felt, like so many others, a strong shame in talking about her sons addiction with others, especially with all the rumors going on about him. She thought that they would judge her as being a bad mother, and it happened many times that she defended him in front of others or denied that he had a problem. This further strengthens her isolation and the feeling that no one understood; she was alone to live in a situation like this.

People form opinions based on the information that they have on hand. If we don't educate people about the nature of addiction, what causes it and research in order to find better treatments, nothing is ever going to change. No one will benefit on clinging on to old stigmas and rigid beliefs. If these beliefs are maintained, it'll take longer time for people suffering from addiction to seek help, or they may not even get to that point, and in the worst cases, they will die due to the disease. And many close relatives, like Karen, will always be afraid to seek support for their own sake, although there's millions of people around them who are suffering, just like them.

Do you have any questions or thoughts on the subject? Or anything else you want to talk about? Please write a comment below, or contact me at: info@carinabang.se

TAKE CARE!

/Carina

Source:

www.drugfree.org:

http://www.drugfree.org/new-data-show-millions-of-americans-with-alcohol-and-drug-addiction-could-benefit-from-health-care-r/

www.asam.org

Have you read the self-help manual?

Have you read "Self-help manual for relatives to substance abusers"?
It would be fantastic to hear your thoughts about it! Please give a review at Amazon!  It'll help other relatives too! 

Click here to leave a Review! 

Here is some reviews about the Self-help manual:

5.0 out of 5 stars A must for anyone who has a substance abuser in their lives
I found Carina Bang’s book by chance and I am glad that I did. It was a game-changer for me. As if it opened a door within me, it was an AHA moment. It contains simple and powerful exercises, you must answer questions like what you want to change in your life. I knew what I wanted to change. I wanted to feel safe and secure. I wanted to live without fear, without threats from my alcoholic father. I could not make my mother divorce him, but I could change *my* approach.
 
5.0 out of 5 starsFive Stars
Great book. Easy and quick to read. Exercises are helpful. I certainly recommend it.

5.0 out of 5 starsFive stars for this manual! 
I can really and truly recommend this manual, I think it'll be helpful for every person being a relative/friend/spouse to someone suffering from alcohol- or drug abuse. Both when it comes to helping the person, but also helping oneself... I think that was the most rewarding part by reading it!  

5.0 out of 5 starsVery thoughtful guide.   
This manual presents information in a way that really makes one think and consider how one approaches life. Very helpful in dealing with someone who has a problem with substances and how to cope and actually grow in ways that I would not have imagined possible with the use of a book. Thanks!
  
5.0 out of 5 starsBrilliant, highly recommend this book!
Highly recommend this book if you live with anyone who suffers from substance abuse but also perhaps if you live with people with mental illness or disabilities. Many books address the needs of the patient, very few books address the need of the carers. This book does so brilliantly. Carina says .. liberate self from what we cannot control .. give self the freedom to live, grow and enjoy life .. care about and love people ... but not at our own expense.
It is a workbook and little by little, step by step it will help you to regain and enjoy your life, even as a relative of a substance abuser

New study about child exposure

This post is about a new study coming from my own country: Sweden. However, it may also be adaptable to all countries in the west, since our cultures in many ways are similar to one another, but more importantly, since all children living in families where abuse occurs are negatively affected.

As said, the study tells us how the outcome may look like for children living with parents suffering from drug- or alcohol addiction or mental illness. These children are forced to act like "parents", both to their siblings but also to their mother and/or father.

The result is pretty terrifying: Approximately 7 percent of the children in Sweden live under these circumstances. There is a huge risk that these children develop an addiction of their own when they've reached adolescence or adulthood. It is also more likely that they may suffer from mental illness later in their life, comparing to children growing up in non-destructive families.

No child should grow up with the burden of acting as a parent/guardian/caretaker to members of their own family. Children are suppose to be children, and in some cases, they need help in order to "accomplish" this (though it may sound strange and harsh to say). 

Needles to say, our society (social services, schools, day cares, welfare administrations and other friends and family members) have a great responsibility in helping children living under these circumstances. No child should be alone!

The study was published by Socialstyrelsen (Swedish National Board of Health and Welfare)

Food for thought

Food for thought

Self-Help Manual For Relatives of Substance Abusers FOR FREE!

Give yourself a christmas present! Download my book Self-Help For Relatives of Substance Abusers for free here!

The offer is only available for 5 days! All you have to do is download the app. After that you can order the book thorugh Amazon.com. And don't forget to write a review if you find the book useful, it would help a lot :)

Enjoy and take care! 

Practical Tips to Help a Substance Abuse

If your family member is a substance abuser, it can make your life a living hell. If you are a parent, you lose your confidence, your hope in the future. You may believe that your kid’s drug habit is your fault. You feel guilty and ashamed. Above all, you feel powerless. You think that you failed your kid. You want to do something, but you do not know how.

If you are a partner or a child of a substance abuser, you never feel safe. You are maybe afraid that your family member may physically abuse you. Sometimes they might abuse you. When they are drunk, they are not themselves. As if they were not the loving, good person whom they once used to be. You barely can recall happier times when your parent or partner was sober and kind. Sometimes you just want to get rid of them. You want them to leave the family and move far away, you do not want to meet them ever again. When you have these thoughts, you feel terrible, because you gave up on your family member.

When you warn your family member that their substance abuse is not okay and they need treatment, they shrug it off. They say they do not need help, they just need another drink or some more “stuff”. When they are drunk or “high”, they are happy. They have an illusion of safety, confidence and having a good time. Their problems go away, or if they do not, they do not matter anymore. Substance abusers do not want to return to a harsh reality where they have to face challenges, depression, failures, consequences of their mistakes, and, of course, angry and estranged family members.

However, there are moments when they do know that they are addicts and they need help. When they open up about it, they may surprise you how clearly they can see their problem. They tell you that they know they should seek help, but they are afraid of going to a “rehab”. A “rehab” is something that many people with addiction dreads. Their addiction is how they escape stress, so, of course, they are afraid of mental and physical suffering. So, in a beat, they may snap back into their drug cravings. They do not change anything at all. You feel disappointed, furious and sad. After a while, you will never believe their promises that someday they will change. You think they are no-hopers. But remember that there is hope of recovery for everyone.

Tips to Help their Recovery

·      Educate yourself. Gather information. Learn about alcohol, different drugs, and their effects on substance abusers.

·      Do not blame yourself. It is natural that you cannot handle this rough and sensitive situation. It is a tough situation, even for professionals who hold a degree in dealing with substance abusers.

·      Tell your affected family member that you hope they will seek help. Tell them that you love them but you do not love what the drug does to them.

·      Do not blame your loved ones for their substance abuse. Do not nag at them, do not point out how they failed in life and how they make everyone’s life miserable. This is what every family member considers impossible. You cannot help blaming a substance abuser when they have outbursts, when they are a threat to your well-being. You do not have to tolerate their drug habits. Tell them that you still remember the good times, you remember who they are when they do not drink or use drugs. Let them know that you still love them. Encouraging, meaningful words help much more than calling your loved one a drunken pig.

·      “Helping them” does not mean that you should give them money to support their drug habits. Set boundaries and stick to them. You are not the one who should take care of the consequences. The person who created the problem should deal with the consequences. It makes them realize that their substance abuse is a big problem. Urge them to seek help.

Do you think this blog will help someone else? Please, share it!

Food for thought

Inspiring book for relatives!

Once again I would like to recommend one of my favorite books on the subject. Written by authors Robert J. Meyers and Brenda L. Wolf, the book Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading and Threatening focuses on helping relatives to people with an alcohol- or drug addiction. The goal is to improve the relatives current life situation and to guide their loved ones into treatment. 

This is an inspiring and encouraging book which builds on the successful and evidence-based treatment program CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training), founded by Robert J.Meyers.

Robert J.Meyers is a Research Associate Professor in Psychology at the University of New Mexico's Center on Alcoholism, Substance Abuse and Addiction. He has dedicated many years developing ways to help relatives to people suffering from alcohol- or drug abuse.  Meyers has traveled world wide in order to help people suffering from the consequences of addiction. 

Read more about CRAFT and Robert J.Meyers here.

I highly recommend Getting Your Loved one Sober to all the relatives who feel as they can't find a way to help themselves or their loved ones!

Buy or read more about Get Your Loved One Sober here. 

Take care!  

Positive vs. Negative Feedback

Many people are unhappy because his/her boss or partner or other people "never" give them any positive feedback. Most people feel bad about this and begin to wonder whether they only do things that are wrong, or if they're not good enough. It's obviously disappointing not getting confirmation either at work or in private life. Affirmation and recognition would really turn a boring day into a fun day!   

However, the question is, how often do we give ourselves positive feedback? See our own strengths? Acknowledge our own achievements? You don't need to talk about it out loud if you don't want to. You can think about it, or best of all, write it down.  

The truth is that most of us are not very good at giving ourselves positive feedback. However, we are very good at giving ourselves negative criticism. There is a saying that for every negative critical comment we need ten positive comments to outweigh the negative.

It is as if we got a nagging parrot sitting on our shoulder, constantly pestering us. 

"I can never manage that", "I'm so stupid, how could I do that?", "Who do I think I am, that's not my thing," "he/she will never like someone like me".

Our negative criticism towards ourselves can easily become self-fulfilling. If you constantly believe that you can't achieve anything, it may sad enough become true. 

If you feel as you've got a negative parrot on your shoulder and if you feel as you've not yet begun to see and articulate your own strengths, start doing it now! Please write down your achievements every day: what you've done / said / felt / thought / handled / fixed during the day that you're proud of/ happy with. At the end of the week, read what you've written and recognize all your strengths! This is a feel-good exercise that will hopefully help you. Allow yourself to flourish! :)

Do you know someone else who needs to think more positive thoughts about themselves? Share a comment below! 

Have a great day!

To break free

The fluctuation between heat and cold and love and aggression is very common in a relationship involving mental or physical abuse. The alternation of intoxication, denial, irritation and blaming their relatives, and then feeling regret, apologizing and making amends is very common among addicts. This "storm" of emotions may result in that you as a relative, along with hopes that everything will soon be well, often feel like it's hard getting out of the relationship.

Below are some examples of emotions involved in such a relationship, often resulting in a situation where you're "stuck": 

Love 
You love your partner, and you're also aware of all his/her positive sides.  
 
Fear
Fear of being alone. Fear that the person will not survive if you leave him/ her. Fear that he/she will find someone else instead. Fear of not being able to cope financially. Fear of being subjected to threats, aggression or violence for leaving.

Hate
Hatred may surprisingly also be a band connecting people. You may become fixed on the person who is the object of hatred. This may lead to a great difficulty letting go. 

Compassion
You may find it hard understanding how a person you love can be so mean. Then you might try finding answers, for example, that the person had a difficult childhood, a life crisis, is unemployed and so on. These "answers" allows you to overlook behaviors that you probably would not have accepted in a relationship with other friends/family.

Guilt
This is a strong feeling. As a relative to a person with an addiction you may feel a great responsibility for the welfare of others in the family. Maybe you often put the need of others before your own. The person with an addiction might even blame their relatives (ex. "If you weren't so angry, I wouldn't have to drink"). 

Hope
Maybe you're trying to remember what was so nice and amazing when you first started dating the person. The abuser might be remorseful, promising that it will not happen again. And the relatives really want to believe. One might convulsively cling on to hopes and promises.  

The desire to understand
You want to understand why. To understand why the person always breakes his/her promises or becomes aggressive and mean. And again, you begin trying to find answers. Maybe you're trying to come up with a plan for how you can change or improve your relationship.

From the book "Hur går hon? Om att stödja misshandlade kvinnors uppbrottsprocesser" (Transl. Why does she leave? About supporting the break-up processes of battered women) by Viveca Enander and Carin Holmberg.


It may be a good idea to seek help if you recognize yourself in this description. You're not alone and there are people who understand you and can help you!