To break free

The fluctuation between heat and cold and love and aggression is very common in a relationship involving mental or physical abuse. The alternation of intoxication, denial, irritation and blaming their relatives, and then feeling regret, apologizing and making amends is very common among addicts. This "storm" of emotions may result in that you as a relative, along with hopes that everything will soon be well, often feel like it's hard getting out of the relationship.

Below are some examples of emotions involved in such a relationship, often resulting in a situation where you're "stuck": 

Love 
You love your partner, and you're also aware of all his/her positive sides.  
 
Fear
Fear of being alone. Fear that the person will not survive if you leave him/ her. Fear that he/she will find someone else instead. Fear of not being able to cope financially. Fear of being subjected to threats, aggression or violence for leaving.

Hate
Hatred may surprisingly also be a band connecting people. You may become fixed on the person who is the object of hatred. This may lead to a great difficulty letting go. 

Compassion
You may find it hard understanding how a person you love can be so mean. Then you might try finding answers, for example, that the person had a difficult childhood, a life crisis, is unemployed and so on. These "answers" allows you to overlook behaviors that you probably would not have accepted in a relationship with other friends/family.

Guilt
This is a strong feeling. As a relative to a person with an addiction you may feel a great responsibility for the welfare of others in the family. Maybe you often put the need of others before your own. The person with an addiction might even blame their relatives (ex. "If you weren't so angry, I wouldn't have to drink"). 

Hope
Maybe you're trying to remember what was so nice and amazing when you first started dating the person. The abuser might be remorseful, promising that it will not happen again. And the relatives really want to believe. One might convulsively cling on to hopes and promises.  

The desire to understand
You want to understand why. To understand why the person always breakes his/her promises or becomes aggressive and mean. And again, you begin trying to find answers. Maybe you're trying to come up with a plan for how you can change or improve your relationship.

From the book "Hur går hon? Om att stödja misshandlade kvinnors uppbrottsprocesser" (Transl. Why does she leave? About supporting the break-up processes of battered women) by Viveca Enander and Carin Holmberg.


It may be a good idea to seek help if you recognize yourself in this description. You're not alone and there are people who understand you and can help you!