New study about child exposure

This post is about a new study coming from my own country: Sweden. However, it may also be adaptable to all countries in the west, since our cultures in many ways are similar to one another, but more importantly, since all children living in families where abuse occurs are negatively affected.

As said, the study tells us how the outcome may look like for children living with parents suffering from drug- or alcohol addiction or mental illness. These children are forced to act like "parents", both to their siblings but also to their mother and/or father.

The result is pretty terrifying: Approximately 7 percent of the children in Sweden live under these circumstances. There is a huge risk that these children develop an addiction of their own when they've reached adolescence or adulthood. It is also more likely that they may suffer from mental illness later in their life, comparing to children growing up in non-destructive families.

No child should grow up with the burden of acting as a parent/guardian/caretaker to members of their own family. Children are suppose to be children, and in some cases, they need help in order to "accomplish" this (though it may sound strange and harsh to say). 

Needles to say, our society (social services, schools, day cares, welfare administrations and other friends and family members) have a great responsibility in helping children living under these circumstances. No child should be alone!

The study was published by Socialstyrelsen (Swedish National Board of Health and Welfare)

Need a medicin for shame? Talk to someone you trust!

As a relative it's common to feel shame and guilt. Is it my fault that the alcoholic drinks? What could I've done differently? It's my failure that the person uses drugs. What would others think of me if they knew how things really are? What would other people say about me if they knew how I really have it at home?

Often we try to keep the problem as secret as possible.We think we're alone in this situation. That no one else would understand. That strengthens the shame. Dare to talk to someone! Choose a good friend, relative, therapist, go to open meetings at for example Alanon. There you will meet others with similar experiences. By talking to others the feeling of shame is reduced.You will probably also realize that many more people than you would have ever believed have experiences of the exact same problems as you.

Take courage and talk! You will probably meet more understanding than you would ever have guessed!

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Food for thought

Food for thought

To be a parent...

Having to experience the anxiety and fear of your child becoming a substance abuser is naturally horrible. And so is the powerlessness over the youth as they may make decisions that lead to terrible consequences. It's a feeling of not knowing what to do because even the young ones are good at outsmarting and protecting the drugs if they want to.

Here are some pieces of advice that might help:

1) First of all, try to learn as much as possible about different drugs and how they affect someones behavior.

2) Talk to your child, let them know that you know. Express your worry, care and love for the child.

3) Try to remain calm and avoid blaming. Try to find out what the child is feeling and experiencing, and how they see the situation.

4) Make it clear that you love her/him, but not the drug and what the drug does to your child.

5) Explain the consequences of alcohol/drug addiction.

6) Tell them that you are there to help and support them. Try to find out what the young one is thinking in terms of quitting and what he/she needs to help with that.

7) Set limits on what is OK and what isn't and make the consequences of crossig those limits clear.

Food for thought

Movie Suggestion: "What Maisie Knew"

Wherever you're located in the world, whether it's summer or winter, it always feels good to cuddle up with a great movie and maybe a bowl of pop corn. I would like to dedicate some posts in this blog talking about good movies worth watching, maybe on a cold or rainy day. The movies will focus on addiction and problems in the family, and some of them may be sad, but they may also give us hope and a feeling of comfort and unity with other people's situations.

What Maisie Knew is a powerful, honest and unique film about divorce, seen from the eyes of the 6-year-old Maisie. After the separation between Maisie's mother Susanna and father Beale (played by Julianne Moore and Steve Coogan), the parents selfishly put their own needs in front of their daughter's in order to gain what they want. Susanna is an aging, touring rock star with alcohol- and drug problems, and Beale's a busy, traveling art dealer. In the same time as they fight for the custody of Maisie, they struggle to gain fame, fortune, money or love.

However, the movie's main focus doesn't lay on the parents, but on the little girl left behind, the girl who's stuck in the middle, always fought about or left alone at school with no one to pick her up. It's about how a destructive family can be seen from the eyes of the person always left in the middle, the person who's most of the time is forgotten or neglected: the child.

Inspiring book for relatives!

Once again I would like to recommend one of my favorite books on the subject. Written by authors Robert J. Meyers and Brenda L. Wolf, the book Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading and Threatening focuses on helping relatives to people with an alcohol- or drug addiction. The goal is to improve the relatives current life situation and to guide their loved ones into treatment. 

This is an inspiring and encouraging book which builds on the successful and evidence-based treatment program CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training), founded by Robert J.Meyers.

Robert J.Meyers is a Research Associate Professor in Psychology at the University of New Mexico's Center on Alcoholism, Substance Abuse and Addiction. He has dedicated many years developing ways to help relatives to people suffering from alcohol- or drug abuse.  Meyers has traveled world wide in order to help people suffering from the consequences of addiction. 

Read more about CRAFT and Robert J.Meyers here.

I highly recommend Getting Your Loved one Sober to all the relatives who feel as they can't find a way to help themselves or their loved ones!

Buy or read more about Get Your Loved One Sober here. 

Take care!  

Do you want to help?

I want to thank all the wonderful readers of my blog!

I really hope that my intentions of the blog have reached those who follow it.

I have a lot of hopes that my blog will help as many as possible. My goal is that important information will be spread and that relatives to people with alcohol- or drug addiction will find comfort, inspiration, courage and support. 

If you're able to help me spreading my blog, I would be thankful with all my heart! This is what you can do: 

1) Help me share the blog through social networks such as Facebook, Twitter, forums etc.

2) Maybe you have an own blog with readers who might need help or support? Maybe you have a similar blog or homepage? Feel free to contact me, maybe I can help you spread your blog as well to people who need it!

3) Be a guest writer! Tell your own story, either about being a relative to a person suffering from addiction, or about your own thoughts on the subject. Send me an e-mail at info@carinabang.se with your story. The post shouldn't be to long and contain thoughts/insights/experiences in order to help other people reading the blog. Note. If you send me a post, I reserve the rights to shorten and edit it. 


And again, a big thanks to all my readers! :)
/Carina

Positive vs. Negative Feedback

Many people are unhappy because his/her boss or partner or other people "never" give them any positive feedback. Most people feel bad about this and begin to wonder whether they only do things that are wrong, or if they're not good enough. It's obviously disappointing not getting confirmation either at work or in private life. Affirmation and recognition would really turn a boring day into a fun day!   

However, the question is, how often do we give ourselves positive feedback? See our own strengths? Acknowledge our own achievements? You don't need to talk about it out loud if you don't want to. You can think about it, or best of all, write it down.  

The truth is that most of us are not very good at giving ourselves positive feedback. However, we are very good at giving ourselves negative criticism. There is a saying that for every negative critical comment we need ten positive comments to outweigh the negative.

It is as if we got a nagging parrot sitting on our shoulder, constantly pestering us. 

"I can never manage that", "I'm so stupid, how could I do that?", "Who do I think I am, that's not my thing," "he/she will never like someone like me".

Our negative criticism towards ourselves can easily become self-fulfilling. If you constantly believe that you can't achieve anything, it may sad enough become true. 

If you feel as you've got a negative parrot on your shoulder and if you feel as you've not yet begun to see and articulate your own strengths, start doing it now! Please write down your achievements every day: what you've done / said / felt / thought / handled / fixed during the day that you're proud of/ happy with. At the end of the week, read what you've written and recognize all your strengths! This is a feel-good exercise that will hopefully help you. Allow yourself to flourish! :)

Do you know someone else who needs to think more positive thoughts about themselves? Share a comment below! 

Have a great day!

To check every day

How are you feeling today?
How does your body and mind feel?
What can you do today, in order to satisfy your needs?
Is there any steps that you can take today, in order to satisfy your needs tomorrow? 

Take care!

To break free

The fluctuation between heat and cold and love and aggression is very common in a relationship involving mental or physical abuse. The alternation of intoxication, denial, irritation and blaming their relatives, and then feeling regret, apologizing and making amends is very common among addicts. This "storm" of emotions may result in that you as a relative, along with hopes that everything will soon be well, often feel like it's hard getting out of the relationship.

Below are some examples of emotions involved in such a relationship, often resulting in a situation where you're "stuck": 

Love 
You love your partner, and you're also aware of all his/her positive sides.  
 
Fear
Fear of being alone. Fear that the person will not survive if you leave him/ her. Fear that he/she will find someone else instead. Fear of not being able to cope financially. Fear of being subjected to threats, aggression or violence for leaving.

Hate
Hatred may surprisingly also be a band connecting people. You may become fixed on the person who is the object of hatred. This may lead to a great difficulty letting go. 

Compassion
You may find it hard understanding how a person you love can be so mean. Then you might try finding answers, for example, that the person had a difficult childhood, a life crisis, is unemployed and so on. These "answers" allows you to overlook behaviors that you probably would not have accepted in a relationship with other friends/family.

Guilt
This is a strong feeling. As a relative to a person with an addiction you may feel a great responsibility for the welfare of others in the family. Maybe you often put the need of others before your own. The person with an addiction might even blame their relatives (ex. "If you weren't so angry, I wouldn't have to drink"). 

Hope
Maybe you're trying to remember what was so nice and amazing when you first started dating the person. The abuser might be remorseful, promising that it will not happen again. And the relatives really want to believe. One might convulsively cling on to hopes and promises.  

The desire to understand
You want to understand why. To understand why the person always breakes his/her promises or becomes aggressive and mean. And again, you begin trying to find answers. Maybe you're trying to come up with a plan for how you can change or improve your relationship.

From the book "Hur går hon? Om att stödja misshandlade kvinnors uppbrottsprocesser" (Transl. Why does she leave? About supporting the break-up processes of battered women) by Viveca Enander and Carin Holmberg.


It may be a good idea to seek help if you recognize yourself in this description. You're not alone and there are people who understand you and can help you! 

Food for thought

Emotional dependence

Do you feel as if your own well being is highly connected to your loved ones well being? 

Does your mood change when his/her mood changes? 

If he/she is happy a particular day, are you happy then as well? 

And if he/she feel anxious or depressed a particular day, do you feel anxious and  depressed as well? 

If you don't know how he/she feels a particular day, are you then unsure of your own feelings?

If you answered yes to these questions, you're not alone, and you're not going crazy. Adapting and being influenced by your loved ones shifting emotions is a common trait to relative to a person suffering from addiction, and it might make you feel exhausted and confused. Go to a quiet space, lay down, close your eyes. Try and feel what it feels like. What does your body feel like? Your surrounding? What do YOU feel? 

"Happiness is nowhere to be found, if I can't find it in myself"

Edvard Grieg

The Need for Control

It's common to feel a need for control as a relative to a person with an addiction. Maybe you feel that being in control might help you change the other person. However, this behavior may lead to an addiction of your own; an addiction of being in control all the time. An example of this is that feelings of extreme anxiety (shortness of breath, your heart beats faster, exhaustion, panic and so on) may occur at times when you feel as if you've lost your control over something. These feelings of anxiety disappear when you feel as you've gain the control again, but this is only temporary and for the moment; the anxiety may quickly rise again, leading to a vicious circle. 

Do you recognize yourself in this behavior? It's very common and you're not alone.

Read the following questions and feel free to write down some of your answers as a comment below! This might help others being in the same situation :) 



QUESTIONS ABOUT CONTROL

• In what kind of ways do you try and control your loved ones drug/alcohol intake? (ex. "I hide his/her drugs/alcohol". "I give him/her an ultimatum". "I set up "rules" that may prevent drug/alcohol intake". "I sit home at night waiting for my loved one only to confront him/her and ask what he/she has been up to" etc.).

• What is your goal with gaining control? (ex. "By throwing away drugs he/she doesn't have access to them". "I think that my ultimatum will work if he/she loves me". "I want to know everything that he/she's been doing because [...]". etc).

• What do you think would happen if you let go of the control? Would your/your loved ones situation be any different?  (ex. "I would have time to hang out with my friends instead of sitting home waiting for him/her". "The situation of my loved one would actually not be any different". etc.).

• What type of of control-"behavior" would be easiest for you to let go of first of all? (ex. "sit home waiting at night" etc.)

Good luck! :) /Carina 

Adapting vs. Putting up boundaries

Being a relative to a person suffering from addiction may result in an extreme and exaggerated adaption/toleration/adjustment of another person's lifestyle or behaviors. You may find it hard expressing your own needs or putting up clear boundaries.

Please view the following questions if you feel that this way of "adapting" may reply to you. Feel free to write down your answers on a piece of paper.

• What are the short-term consequences of adapting? ex. "I make the other person happy". "There's no need for conflict" 
  
• What are the long-term consequences of adapting? ex. "I feel used". "I don't consider my own health".
  
• What may the negative consequences of putting up boundaries be? ex. "It might start a conlict". "I might disappoint someone". "I would feel guilty". 
  
• What may the positive consequences of putting up boundaries? ex. "I would respect my self more". "I would see to my own needs". "I would be able to rest when I wanted to".
   
• Can you think of a situation when you might adjust yourself even if you don't want to? ex. "When I'm exhausted and someone asks for help". "When i need to clean up someone else's mess".
  
• When these kinds of situations occur, what could you say in order to see to your own needs? ex. "I'm sorry, I can't do that today. I could get back to you at a more suitable time". "I'm sorry, I can't fix this for you. Have you thought of any possibly solutions yourself?"

• What would it mean to you if you were able to put up clear boundaries?

• What would be the first step in clarifying your boundaries? When facing yourself and facing others?  
  
  
  
  

"How Childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime"

In this TEDTALKS-clip (opens in iTunes) Nadine Burke Harris, pediatrician at Center for youth and wellness, talks about how childhood trauma may be the cause for many people’s health problems. Research shows that being exposed to abuse or neglect, or having parents suffering from an alcohol- or drug addiction, in an early stage of life may effect the person’s brain development, hormonal system and immune system. 

If you don't have iTunes you can watch Nadine Burk Harris' lecture on YouTube here.

If Your Teen or Young Adult Has a Problem with Drugs

It may be very painful to find out that your child is addicted to alcohol/drugs. Here are some common questions and answers when it comes to teenagers with substance use disorder. The information has been taken from The National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA). Read more at: www.drugabuse.gov.  

How do I know?

Maybe he/she starts to act different without any reason, for example:

• Often feels tired/down
• Acts different towards family members (irritated/angry etc.)
• Changes circle of friends
• Doesn’t take care of personal health (hygiene/food intake/physical activities etc.)
• Misses/fails/skips classes
• Loose interest in things that used to be important

If you recognize some of these signs - it might be a good start to find out the reason for the changes as soon as possible. Don’t wait for your child to become addicted!

What can I do to help?

To ask for professional help at a medical center is a good start. It takes a lot of hard work and courage to seek help and recover from an addiction, and it might result in big changes in your child’s academic and personal life. Remember that it takes time and require patience. 

What to do if my child refuses treatment?

Don’t use nagging or yelling! Many people suffering from addiction find it frightful to lose their drugs. Explain to your child that the treatment is not dangerous and that the treatment centers will provide all the help she/he needs. Tell your child that you/your family will be at her/his side all the way, whatever happens. Most teenagers only enter treatment if there’s a pressure from their family. To meet a professional may be a big step on the way for your child, since talking to him/her alone may stir up a lot of emotions (accusations, yelling, threats or fear may be some emotions that will only worsen the situation). 

What to do if my child has already been in treatment but has suffered from a relapse?

This means that your child has already been provided with many tools that may help. Instead you should view a new treatment as a supplement for the earlier treatment. Your child is now acquainted with the ways in which he/she may recover from addiction; a relapse doesn’t mean a failure! Try and explain this to your child. 

How to face my child before he/she enters treatment?

Talk! There are many tools that you can use to avoid destructive conversations, many of which you can read about in this blog. Let your child express her/his emotions, but keep in mind that people suffering from addiction may find it hard to tell the truth (mostly because of shame), and that’s why it’s a good idea for your child to speak to someone unknown (professional). 

I’ve heard that teenagers often use drugs to self-medicate in order to treat depression. How do I face this problem?

There might be a possibility that your child is suffering from both addiction and depression, which is very common when it comes to addiction in general. Encourage your child to tell his/her health care provider about all his/her problems/feelings. Don’t try and force your child to speak to you if he/she is not willing to do so. There are many effective non-addictive drugs that can help a person with health mental health issues. Talk to your child’s health care provider! Ask how they deal with depression and tell them about what you know when it comes to your child’s psychological health. 

Source: http://www.drugabuse.gov/related-topics/treatment-research/if-teen-or-young-adult-has-drug-abuse-problem