Practical Tips to Help a Substance Abuse

If your family member is a substance abuser, it can make your life a living hell. If you are a parent, you lose your confidence, your hope in the future. You may believe that your kid’s drug habit is your fault. You feel guilty and ashamed. Above all, you feel powerless. You think that you failed your kid. You want to do something, but you do not know how.

If you are a partner or a child of a substance abuser, you never feel safe. You are maybe afraid that your family member may physically abuse you. Sometimes they might abuse you. When they are drunk, they are not themselves. As if they were not the loving, good person whom they once used to be. You barely can recall happier times when your parent or partner was sober and kind. Sometimes you just want to get rid of them. You want them to leave the family and move far away, you do not want to meet them ever again. When you have these thoughts, you feel terrible, because you gave up on your family member.

When you warn your family member that their substance abuse is not okay and they need treatment, they shrug it off. They say they do not need help, they just need another drink or some more “stuff”. When they are drunk or “high”, they are happy. They have an illusion of safety, confidence and having a good time. Their problems go away, or if they do not, they do not matter anymore. Substance abusers do not want to return to a harsh reality where they have to face challenges, depression, failures, consequences of their mistakes, and, of course, angry and estranged family members.

However, there are moments when they do know that they are addicts and they need help. When they open up about it, they may surprise you how clearly they can see their problem. They tell you that they know they should seek help, but they are afraid of going to a “rehab”. A “rehab” is something that many people with addiction dreads. Their addiction is how they escape stress, so, of course, they are afraid of mental and physical suffering. So, in a beat, they may snap back into their drug cravings. They do not change anything at all. You feel disappointed, furious and sad. After a while, you will never believe their promises that someday they will change. You think they are no-hopers. But remember that there is hope of recovery for everyone.

Tips to Help their Recovery

·      Educate yourself. Gather information. Learn about alcohol, different drugs, and their effects on substance abusers.

·      Do not blame yourself. It is natural that you cannot handle this rough and sensitive situation. It is a tough situation, even for professionals who hold a degree in dealing with substance abusers.

·      Tell your affected family member that you hope they will seek help. Tell them that you love them but you do not love what the drug does to them.

·      Do not blame your loved ones for their substance abuse. Do not nag at them, do not point out how they failed in life and how they make everyone’s life miserable. This is what every family member considers impossible. You cannot help blaming a substance abuser when they have outbursts, when they are a threat to your well-being. You do not have to tolerate their drug habits. Tell them that you still remember the good times, you remember who they are when they do not drink or use drugs. Let them know that you still love them. Encouraging, meaningful words help much more than calling your loved one a drunken pig.

·      “Helping them” does not mean that you should give them money to support their drug habits. Set boundaries and stick to them. You are not the one who should take care of the consequences. The person who created the problem should deal with the consequences. It makes them realize that their substance abuse is a big problem. Urge them to seek help.

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To be a parent...

Having to experience the anxiety and fear of your child becoming a substance abuser is naturally horrible. And so is the powerlessness over the youth as they may make decisions that lead to terrible consequences. It's a feeling of not knowing what to do because even the young ones are good at outsmarting and protecting the drugs if they want to.

Here are some pieces of advice that might help:

1) First of all, try to learn as much as possible about different drugs and how they affect someones behavior.

2) Talk to your child, let them know that you know. Express your worry, care and love for the child.

3) Try to remain calm and avoid blaming. Try to find out what the child is feeling and experiencing, and how they see the situation.

4) Make it clear that you love her/him, but not the drug and what the drug does to your child.

5) Explain the consequences of alcohol/drug addiction.

6) Tell them that you are there to help and support them. Try to find out what the young one is thinking in terms of quitting and what he/she needs to help with that.

7) Set limits on what is OK and what isn't and make the consequences of crossig those limits clear.

Stress management

Many of the problems relatives are experiencing physically and psychologically, is a result of prolonged stress. Relatives often live under constant stress and fear, sometimes for many years. It naturally has consequences, on both your physical and psychical wellbeing.

Therefore I'll give you some tips on stress management: 

 * Exercise mindfulness! The method is based on meditiation techniques and psychological knowledge of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Research has shown good results for people with depression and stress. 

* Physical activity! Also physical activity has shown good results for people who are experiencing stress and are depressed. A little physical activity is better than nothing! 15 minutes every day is a good first step.

* Go out and enjoy nature! Nature has a calming effect. Smell and appearance of trees, flowers, water ... 

* Sleep! Make sure you sleep! You need recovery and a peaceful sleep. Switch off your phone at night and have the same routine every night. This makes it easier to fall asleep. If you experience very restless sleep, difficulty sleeping or wake up in the small hours at 03:00, then it may be time to talk about your problem to a doctor. 

* Laugh! Treat yourself to humor and joy in everyday life. Watch a comedy, go for fun theater or stand-up comedy, or spend time with a friend you can laugh along with. 

* Say no! Recognize your limitations and that you need time to take care of yourself. Prioritize yourself!

You are No. 1! Take care of yourself!

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What can you say no to?

Have you lost your energy and enthusiasm, perhaps because you worry a lot and take responsibility not only for your own life but also for several other people's lives?

What can you say no to?

What do you do in this moment that you really want to say no to?

If you say no to a commitment, can you then say yes to something you'd rather focus on?

In what way can you save more energy in your everyday life?

Tip!

Follow your gut-feeling. Does it say yes or no?

If you are unsure of what you want to do, announce that you will reply, but that you first have to check some things before you can give a straight answer. This gives you time to consider if you want this or if it's something you would prefer to say no to.

Give yourself rest and energy!

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Like putting your hand on the hot stove, over and over again.

It's wondrous how, as a relative, you have a behaviour similar to putting your hand on the hot stove, over and over again. And not learn from the previous result. I look back on the times when I did exactly that. A kind of inner stubbornness that drives you to do the same thing over and over again, without learning what has already been effective or not. Despite all my well-meant efforts to get the other free from the shackles of drugs or alcohol, nothing of what I tried produced any desirable (in my opinion) results, but rather made me end up feeling frustrated about not being listened to and having drained a lot of my energy. Still, I don't quit. Instead, the next time, I do the exact same thing. For instance nagging, begging, prying, trying to talk sens into the other, issuing ultimatums, etc.

This goes against all theories of learning. When you do something, learn from the outcome and do differently next time if the last time's result is not proved positive. There may be various reasons for this obstinacy. It may be the hope that never gives up, that makes me fall into the pattern to try to convince and persuade the other person about how important change is and make me ignore the fact that I already tried this several times over. Another reason may be that I'm stuck in a role. I don't know what I would do if I didn't do just this: nag, beg, try to convince, issue ultimatums. I am stuck in a pattern, even I myself don't believe that my efforts will give any different results next time, but I have no alternative way to handle it.

* Are you stuck in a pattern of your relative's abuse problems, which means you lose lots of energy?

* Do you do something over and over again, even though it remained unsuccessful also in the past?

* What are the consequences for you? (E.g., frustration, fatigue, etc.)

* What can you do differently next time?

* How can you break the pattern and what can you do instead?

* Are you willing to test?

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Self-help manual, For relatives of substance abusers

People who live close to somebody with a substance abuse problem often get caught up in the strong destructive feelings and actions that substance abuse involves. It causes worry, stress and anxiety. The self-help manual contains facts about being a relative to a person with alcohol- and substance problems and exercises and tools that focus on relatives' development and well-being. 

Read more or buy the self-help manual as an e-book here. If you have read the self-help manual I would be happy if you wanted to share some reflections in the comments!

Best wishes!

/Carina

Help or aggravate?

Does it help if I protect the addict from the consequences of addiction? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the addict believe he doesn't need to take responsibility for the consequences?

Does it help if I pay drug debts? Or do I instead aggravate the situation by making the person able to buy more drugs for the money?

Does it help if I wipe up the vomit after a drunk night? Or do I aggravate the situation since the drinker then thinks that he can continue to drink and it'll work out anyway?

Does it help if I pay the rent for the person who has been drinking or bought drugs for their money? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the abuser believe he doesn't need to take responsibility for the consequences of using the money for alcohol and drugs?

Does it help if I call in sick for my wife/husband/children if the person is unfit to go to work? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the person believe they don't have to deal with the negative consequences of drinking/drug use?

Does it help if I lie in favor of the abuser? Or do I aggravate the situation once again since he then wouldn't need to see the negative consequences of drug use?

Help or aggravate?
What is helpfull?

 

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In 2 years?

If you would live like you do now 2 years longer, how would you feel then? If you have not made ​​any change at all, how would you then feel in 2 years? If you continue like now, where are you in 2 years?

Emotionally?

Physically?

Socially?

Leisure?

Career?

Joy?

Quality of life?

Balance?

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Love = live together?

There is one thing that I keep thinking about: do you really have to live together with a person just because you love him/her?

Often I hear people justify their stay in destructive relationships with the phrase: "But I love him!" and therefore let their limits be moved, let themselves be exposed to the situations that hurt them, allow themselves to live in a relationship where they don't feel good. Because they love someone..

Set your limit!

For families, it is easy to push their limits in favor of the other person that suffers from psychological problems. Little by little we begin to compromise on things that are important to us, things that make us feel good, to instead take care of the person who drinks or takes drugs. He/she can’t take care of himself. We take on more responsibility and heavier burdens for the convenience of the addict. Eventually, we are in a situation where we accept things we never thought we would accept. And also in a situation where we maybe are just extremely tired and worn out, because apart from our own responsibilities we already have, we've also taken on the responsibility of another grown up persons life.

It’s not uncommon that you as a family member also take lots of different roles that are really professional occupations. Perhaps we act as police officers, nurses, psychologists and financial managers. In the end, we can’t take it anymore. Many times the question pops up: How long can I have it like this? When is it enough?

Clear communication

Today I've been thinking about communication. How do you talk and discuss addiction with a person with addiction and substance abuse problems?

After conversations with relatives, I have noticed that many stop to mention alcohol or drugs by their names in their communication with the abuser. It creates ambiguity, misunderstandings and promotes denial from both the addict and the loved one. Perhaps the loved one says, "You seem tired today, I don't want to have dinner with you when you are so tired and sluggish." Instead of clearly saying, "I don’t want to have dinner with you when you have been drinking. I like to eat dinner with you when you're sober." The signal to the addict in the first expression is that he/she seems out of sorts and has to be alert if there shall be any dinner. It does not have anything to do with the alcohol at all.

To dare to express own opinions, thoughts and feelings can help one start to feel better.

All the best to you!

/Carina

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