If
you are a partner or a child of a substance abuser, you never feel safe. You
are maybe afraid that your family member may physically abuse you. Sometimes
they might abuse you. When they are drunk, they are not themselves. As if they
were not the loving, good person whom they once used to be. You barely can
recall happier times when your parent or partner was sober and kind. Sometimes
you just want to get rid of them. You want them to leave the family and move
far away, you do not want to meet them ever again. When you have these
thoughts, you feel terrible, because you gave up on your family member.
When
you warn your family member that their substance abuse is not okay and they
need treatment, they shrug it off. They say they do not need help, they just
need another drink or some more “stuff”. When they are drunk or “high”, they
are happy. They have an illusion of safety, confidence and having a good time.
Their problems go away, or if they do not, they do not matter anymore.
Substance abusers do not want to return to a harsh reality where they have to
face challenges, depression, failures, consequences of their mistakes, and, of
course, angry and estranged family members.
However,
there are moments when they do
know that they are addicts and they need help. When they open up about it, they
may surprise you how clearly they can see their problem. They tell you that
they know they should seek help, but they are afraid of going to a “rehab”. A
“rehab” is something that many people with addiction dreads. Their addiction is
how they escape stress, so, of course, they are afraid of mental and physical
suffering. So, in a beat, they may snap back into their drug cravings. They do
not change anything at all. You feel disappointed, furious and sad. After a
while, you will never believe their promises that someday they will change. You
think they are no-hopers. But remember that there is hope of recovery for everyone.
Tips
to Help their Recovery
·
Educate
yourself. Gather information. Learn about alcohol, different drugs, and their
effects on substance abusers.
·
Do not blame
yourself. It is natural that you cannot handle this rough and sensitive
situation. It is a tough situation, even for professionals who hold a degree in
dealing with substance abusers.
·
Tell your affected family member that you hope they will seek help. Tell
them that you love them but you do not love what the drug does to them.
·
Do not blame
your loved ones for their substance abuse. Do not nag at them, do not point out
how they failed in life and how they make everyone’s life miserable. This is
what every family member considers impossible.
You cannot help blaming a substance abuser when they have outbursts, when they
are a threat to your well-being. You do not
have to tolerate their drug habits. Tell them that you still remember
the good times, you remember who they are when they do not drink or use drugs.
Let them know that you still love them. Encouraging, meaningful words help much
more than calling your loved one a drunken pig.
·
“Helping
them” does not mean that you should give them money to support their drug
habits. Set boundaries and stick to them. You are not the one who
should take care of the consequences. The person who created the problem should
deal with the consequences. It makes them realize that their substance abuse is
a big problem. Urge them to seek help.
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