Emotional neglect

Children that have grown up in families with alcohol and drug abuse problems often say that they feel forgotten and neglected, not seen or acknowledged. They also say that they started to take responsibilities of adults at an early age since the substance abusing parent didn't take that responsibility.

A woman that I met, that grew up with an alcoholic father, has told me that her feelings were never tended to and that they didn't talk about feelings in her family. This is why she today, as an adult, has taken on the challenge to put words on the feelings she feel in different situations.

Being emotionally neglected as a child has its consequences once the child becomes an adult.. When one of the parents has an alcohol or drug addiction problem, that person is probably periodically unable to give attention to their child's feelings. And if the other parent has their attention on the addict, then the child will be forgotten. As an adult the forgotten child might have low self esteem, easily conform to other's wishes without thinking about what they want, trying to perform in order to get noticed or not being able to handle or trust their own feelings.

This is only a single problem amongst many that children growing up with parents who suffers from addiction experience. 

We need to recognize and help these children, and we also need to help the many adults who still suffers from the consequences.of going through this type of childhood. Especially those who find it hard talking about their past or their feelings. There is help to give and there is help to be given!  

Do you have any thoughts or questions? 
Please send me an email at: info@carinabang.se 

Take care! 
/Carina  

Exaggerated strength!

As a contrast to the last blog entry about playing the victim I'll go ahead and describe another behavior that is common among relatives to a person with an addiction problem. It's called that you get "obsessed with strength".

It means that you help other people that are in need of help and to get acknowledged and identify yourself as a strong and good-doing person. By looking at the addict in a way you would a small vulnerable child in need of care you yourself get the affirmation that you are supportive, important and you build your self esteem around this.

Compared to the addict, you'd view yourself in the role as the strong and responsible one. That way the addict can continue to not take responsibility for their actions. Because the consequences of the addiction are taken care of by the strong and responsible one.

This could also mean that if you don't have anyone to take care of at the moment, you lose your feeling of being valuable and you start to feel that there is no purpose in your life.

Being focused on helping someone else all the time lets you postpone dealing with yourself in many ways, your own feelings and needs. You hold yourself occupied with saving someone else and in that way you don't need to face yourself and the situation you are living in.

Don't get me wrong, being helpful and showing compassion are amazing virtues, and the world would be a better place if those virtues were used more. However, when being helpful becomes an escape from yourself, or happens at the expense of someone else's health, then it is high time to think over your priorities.


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Are you a victim?

Being a relative to a person with an addiction can make us fall into the trap of being the victim. We consider ourselves being subject to betrayal and ingratitude from the person we have helped so much and tried to save. When that person continues their addiction we take that as them being ungrateful towards all the things we did for them. Maybe we even overstepped our boundaries and values in order to help this person. That is when we start to see ourselves as victims of the addict.

What we also did in this process was to take away the responsibility from the addict.

We turned them into children that don't need to take care of the consequences of their actions or make decisions regarding change. In that way the addict has no opportunity to grow, develop and see the negative consequences of the addiction, because that was taken care of by us relatives.

As a child you are a victim of your parents addiction. You are dependent on your parents to survive and they are your guardians. As an adult, you have the possibility to change. You can choose. We can choose our relationships, we can choose if we want to help or not. It is our choice, our decision.

If you think you might be doing what is described in the text, if you have helped, saved and never gotten a thank you for doing it and if you feel like you have taken on the role as a victim. Do you want to change? You have made choices so far, that you might be more happy with or not. And now you have the opportunity to make new choices for your future!

Clear communication

Today I've been thinking about communication. How do you talk and discuss addiction with a person with addiction and substance abuse problems?

After conversations with relatives, I have noticed that many stop to mention alcohol or drugs by their names in their communication with the abuser. It creates ambiguity, misunderstandings and promotes denial from both the addict and the loved one. Perhaps the loved one says, "You seem tired today, I don't want to have dinner with you when you are so tired and sluggish." Instead of clearly saying, "I don’t want to have dinner with you when you have been drinking. I like to eat dinner with you when you're sober." The signal to the addict in the first expression is that he/she seems out of sorts and has to be alert if there shall be any dinner. It does not have anything to do with the alcohol at all.

To dare to express own opinions, thoughts and feelings can help one start to feel better.

All the best to you!

/Carina

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