Dealing with Feelings of Guilt

When we go through something traumatic (which is usually the case when our close one chooses to escape reality through drugs and alcohol or other destructive behaviors), we often try to understand the reason or correct the error. Guilt means that we are in debt to someone; that we have done something wrong and that we want to change and take responsibility for what we have done. However, since we don't “own” the problem (the addiction), we can't correct it. But this doesn't stop us from trying to solve the problem in all possible, and impossible, ways. When our attempts fail, we blame ourselves. We create thoughts like: "I should have done something else ... "," I did not do enough"," I should have been kinder ... ", and so on.  

I attended a really interesting lecture held by therapist Anders Jansson. He described the different kinds of feelings of guilt:

1) True guilt.  

This is when you know you did something wrong, for example stealing something. The feeling of guilt is needed in this situation, since we need to ask ourselves what we've done and to not do it again. Guilt teaches us that we shouldn't repeat certain actions. What makes us feel guilt has proven to differ between different countries, cultures and ages.

2) Learned and “untrue” guilt. 

We learn to feel this guilt in early childhood, and continue bearing it into adulthood. You learn to feel guilty even though you haven't done something wrong. An example is that of a mother who gets a migraine and need to take lot of pills because her child doesn't eat up his/her dinner. She becomes angry and the pills makes her completely drowsy. The child feels guilty, thinking that it was he/she who made the mother take pills. When growing up, the person continues to blame him/herself, usually when someone else is sad, angry or upset.

3) True guilt by treating ourselves badly. 

For example, when a person with alcohol problems tries to wash away his/her negative feelings with more alcohol. The body and the brain says it's wrong. The person may feel even more guilty which only leads to more drinking, just to numb the feelings. Another example is when we as relatives are lagging behind with paying the bills or turning down seeing friends since we don't want to tell anyone how we really feel. We don't take care of our own needs. Our body and brain knows it, which makes us feel even more guilty. If we, upon this, make the connection that it is toward someone else we feel guilty, we try to compensate this by taking care of the other person's needs rather than our own.

A question you can ask yourself is: Do I have the power to influence the situation and do I have responsibility for it? If I have neither the power to influence it or the responsibility to do so, there's not much I can do, right? 

 

For example, a child growing up with a father with a drinking problem. At every party he gets very drunk and unpleasant, stumbling around and breaking things. Do the child have the power to influence this situation? No. Do the child have a responsible for the situation? No. But the child still experience guilt and shame.

Feelings of guilt can also be created when our close one's with addiction choose to take the drug after we've tried talking to them, or when we've avoided talking to them. There may also be feelings of guilt if the person has been sober for a long time and then relapses. We may think that: "It is my fault, I should never have said that". "If only I had been with him more often this would not have happened”. “If only I had been kinder". In a way, there are things to learn in this situation. Our ways of communication always have a kind of impact, both positive or negative, in all our relationships. Our communication towards others affects how we feel later on. But it's never your fault if a person relapses. All people have a choice. There are those who suffered severe experiences in life, such as death, accidents, sexual assault, rape or natural disasters, but who still choose other strategies than taking drugs in order to cope. Others choose alcohol, drugs, pills, games, shopping or sex to escape their experiences. It is not uncommon that they blame their close ones, who are easy targets when it comes to taking on their own guilt. The relatives are told that they have done wrong and the cause of the persons poor mental state is therefore their fault. They may be accused for all kinds of things. In my work I've heard things such as: "you didn't cut the lawn often enough”, “I didn't get a dog as a child”, “you've been an absent parent". Sometimes there might be truth to the accusations, and sometimes not. However, whatever it is, it's still the person's own choice to take the drug or not. The most tragic part is that most people who develop an addiction start in their early teenage years. In that age the frontal lobe is not fully developed, which makes it difficult to realize the consequences and risks of their actions.

If you experience a lot of guilt, try doing this exercise. Think about a situation that make you feel guilty. Write down what your intention for your actions were in the moment. Try looking at the situation from a more realistic point of view. Write down what you could do instead, if you end up in a similar situation once more. 

EXERCISE IN DEALING WITH FEELINGS OF GUILT: 

MY THOUGHTS THAT CREATEGUILT	WHAT WAS MY INTENTION WITH HOW I ACTED IN THE SITUATION	WHAT WOULD BE A MORE REALISTICT WAY TO VIEW THE SITUATION	HOW CAN I ACT THE NEXT TIME SOMETHING SIMILAR HAPPENS?
I gave him $ 50 for a new pair of shoes. He used the money to buy drugs. It's my fault that he's an addict.	I wanted to give him new shoes.	I made a misjudgment when I gave him the money. On the other side, he's the one to choose what to do with the money. If I hadn't given him the $ 50, he would've found money for drugs in some other way.	I will not give him any money until he's stable and free from drugs.
I didn't pick up the phone when she called yesterday, since I had finally started to fall asleep. Now she's texted me that I'm never there for her, and that might be true.	I was so tired and was finally gonna get some sleep.	I have the right to sleep at night. I help the person in many other ways.	Next time it happens I will do the same (not answer), but I can write her a text before I go to sleep and tell her that I will turn off my phone, so she knows it beforehand.
Your example:	Your example:	Your example:	Your example:
Your example:	Your example:	Your example:	Your example:
Your example:	Your example:	Your example:	Your example:

If you suffer from a lot of guilt, bring out a pencil and a note book and write down as much as possible about all the reasons why you feel guilty. Do a reality test on all your feelings of guilt. Sometimes the thoughts may freeze and you may get stuck on the guilty feelings, which will block any other realistic thoughts. Maybe we've had some our guilty thoughts for several years which makes it hard to find realistic thoughts. If that's the case, talk to a therapist or friend for help! Some thing tend to untangle when we hear others' thoughts on the situation.

Do you have any questions or thoughts? 

Please contact me at: 

info@carinabang.se

You can also follow me on my Facebook-page: Carina Bang. 

Take care! 

/Carina  

3 ways to handle personal attacks

There are many relatives to people suffering from substance abuse who testify that they have to put up with personal attacks, accusations and blame.

It hurts. And it may be hard not paying back "with the same coin". Results? You can imagine them yourself. It will, of course, only get worse!

In the end, it may be these personal attacks that finally get you to end the relationship; you can no longer stand being someone else's “toilet” in which they constantly throw up their anger and disappointment. You end the relationship in order to take care of yourself. You end it, because you always feel worse every time you talk to the person.

But some people find it hard breaking the relationship. For example, if the one who's abusing is an underage child. It can also be difficult in other relationships due to strong ties and feelings towards the person with alcohol- or drug problems.

Do you recognize yourself? Read the suggestions below – they might help you in facing your loved one.

1. Don't “counterattack”!
Instead, reply with something short, but honest, for example: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
2. Use open questions!

Open questions often begin with “what”, “how”, “in what way”? The open questions will give the ball back to the person who first “attacked”. Don't go to defense.

For example:

"I'm sorry you feel that way. In what way will you be able to manage those feelings?".
"It must be very hard to feel that way. What can you do to seek help?".
"It's terrible to feel that way. How can you solve this problem?"

3. In the worst cases, avoid response
Go away, hang up the phone, put your headphones on and listen to music instead. If the person is calling you names or uses accusations against you, and you're not listening, it will have no effect. If you're consistently ignoring the person and making something better of your time than to listen and join in the fight, he/she will realise that there´s no point, since there's no “receiver”. The person gets no attention to his/her behavior. It is useless.

Remember, we need to rehearse these strategies over and over again, often for several months. If a person is used to being able to “trigger” you with attacks and blaming, it'll take some time before they understand that you're not responding to this behaviour any longer. And this'll only work if you're not fighting back. If you do, the strategies will become meaningless.

Try it out and see if you can recognize any change! And be consistent.

If you have any thoughts or questions, please send me a message on my Facebook-page: Carina Bang Author

Take care! 

Ground breaking meditation app!

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I can HIGHLY recommend a meditation app called Headspace! It includes hundreds of hours of simple meditation lessons, such as mindfulness, and has definitely made my daily life easier in many ways. 

Meditation has proven to relieve stress and improve sleep, focus and self awareness. Try it our for 10 minutes and see how it feels :) 

You can download the app in your app store, just search for Headspace, or check it out here.

Stay calm and take care! 

Have you read the self-help manual?

Have you read "Self-help manual for relatives to substance abusers"?
It would be fantastic to hear your thoughts about it! Please give a review at Amazon!  It'll help other relatives too! 

Click here to leave a Review! 

Here is some reviews about the Self-help manual:

5.0 out of 5 stars A must for anyone who has a substance abuser in their lives
I found Carina Bang’s book by chance and I am glad that I did. It was a game-changer for me. As if it opened a door within me, it was an AHA moment. It contains simple and powerful exercises, you must answer questions like what you want to change in your life. I knew what I wanted to change. I wanted to feel safe and secure. I wanted to live without fear, without threats from my alcoholic father. I could not make my mother divorce him, but I could change *my* approach.
 
5.0 out of 5 starsFive Stars
Great book. Easy and quick to read. Exercises are helpful. I certainly recommend it.

5.0 out of 5 starsFive stars for this manual! 
I can really and truly recommend this manual, I think it'll be helpful for every person being a relative/friend/spouse to someone suffering from alcohol- or drug abuse. Both when it comes to helping the person, but also helping oneself... I think that was the most rewarding part by reading it!  

5.0 out of 5 starsVery thoughtful guide.   
This manual presents information in a way that really makes one think and consider how one approaches life. Very helpful in dealing with someone who has a problem with substances and how to cope and actually grow in ways that I would not have imagined possible with the use of a book. Thanks!
  
5.0 out of 5 starsBrilliant, highly recommend this book!
Highly recommend this book if you live with anyone who suffers from substance abuse but also perhaps if you live with people with mental illness or disabilities. Many books address the needs of the patient, very few books address the need of the carers. This book does so brilliantly. Carina says .. liberate self from what we cannot control .. give self the freedom to live, grow and enjoy life .. care about and love people ... but not at our own expense.
It is a workbook and little by little, step by step it will help you to regain and enjoy your life, even as a relative of a substance abuser

The 6 family roles in a home with addiction

An article in the community Pro Talk (rehabs.com) brings up the subject of the different "roles" inside a family where an addiction is present. These roles can shift amongst the family members, and they evolve as a type of coping mechanism in order to protect the person suffering from substance abuse as well as the family balance. Maintaining these roles may lead to the person being able to continue with their abuse.  

Do you recognize yourself or some other member of your family in one or several of these roles?

The 6 family roles

1. The Enabler
A person who is constantly trying to "save" and protect the person with an addiction. This may include paying the persons' bills, making food, cleaning up, helping the person in keeping his/her job/education by talking to the boss/school etc. The enabler act by suppressing feelings such as fear, anger or shame.

2. The Hero
An overachieving person who's striving for perfectionism both inside and outside the household. The person takes on huge responsibilities as he/she is constantly trying to help the other, sober family members (cleaning, making dinner, comforting etc.), and in the same needs to be the "best" in other areas (school, work etc). This role is hard to maintain and usually results in a breakdown. 

3. The Scapegoat

This is usually the child in the family, who's deflecting the chaotic home environment in acting out in various negative/not accepted ways, such as skipping school, getting into fights, having trouble with the law etc. These behaviors usually come from great feelings of anger.

4. The Mascot

This is another role a child in the family may take on. Instead of breaking rules, this person uses comedy and good behavior in order to keep up a balanced family environment and pleasing the other family members.

5. The Lost Child

An almost apathetic role; this child is withdraw and isolated. He/she may lack social skills and is almost always alone. This is a way to protect and disconnect her/himself from the destructive home environment.

6. The Addict

The addict may, as well as the other family members, take on different roles and shift his/her behavior. The roles from the family members often affects how the person with addiction acts. Deep down he/she may feel great remorse and shame, which increases when he/she feels pressured by the family members. The shame often turns into anger or aggression.

Why is it important to be aware of the family roles?

Taking notice and recognizing the different roles one may take on as a family member may result in a willingness and opportunity to change them. We may often act in a certain way, without knowing why. Since the roles are coping mechanisms in order to protect one self and the family from the addiction, they often hurt us more than help us. 

What's more important is recognizing the roles the children in a home with addiction may take on. The role will create various behavioral patterns that will shape the whole identity of the person when growing up into adulthood, affecting his/her own relationships and well-being! 

Research shows that family therapy might be very helpful. As a parent it might be hard knowing what to do, especially when the parent him/herself is affected by the spouses' addiction. One suggestion is meeting a psychiatrist by yourself. Talking about your own behavior and feelings when it comes to your relationship with the person suffering from addiction may help you recognizing and breaking down the role you've taken on, as well as being able to help other family members. 

Remember: you are not the role you play, and it's never to late to change it!

Read the whole article here

Take Care!
/Carina

Please, help other family members!

Have you read "Self-help manual for relatives to substance abusers"?
It would be fantastic to hear your thoughts about it! Please give a review at Amazon! It'll help other relatives too! 
  Click here to leave a Review!

Here is some reviews about the Self-hel manual:

5.0 out of 5 stars A must for anyone who has a substance abuser in their lives

I found Carina Bang’s book by chance and I am glad that I did. It was a game-changer for me. As if it opened a door within me, it was an AHA moment. It contains simple and powerful exercises, you must answer questions like what you want to change in your life. I knew what I wanted to change. I wanted to feel safe and secure. I wanted to live without fear, without threats from my alcoholic father. I could not make my mother divorce him, but I could change *my* approach.

   

5.0 out of 5 starsFive Stars

Great book. Easy and quick to read. Exercises are helpful. I certainly recommend it.

5.0 out of 5 starsFive stars for this manual!       

I can really and truly recommend this manual, I think it'll be helpful for every person being a relative/friend/spouse to someone suffering from alcohol- or drug abuse. Both when it comes to helping the person, but also helping oneself... I think that was the most rewarding part by reading it!

  

5.0 out of 5 starsVery thoughtful guide.       

This manual presents information in a way that really makes one think and consider how one approaches life. Very helpful in dealing with someone who has a problem with substances and how to cope and actually grow in ways that I would not have imagined possible with the use of a book. Thanks!

  

5.0 out of 5 starsBrilliant, highly recommend this book!

Highly recommend this book if you live with anyone who suffers from substance abuse but also perhaps if you live with people with mental illness or disabilities. Many books address the needs of the patient, very few books address the need of the carers. This book does so brilliantly. Carina says .. liberate self from what we cannot control .. give self the freedom to live, grow and enjoy life .. care about and love people ... but not at our own expense.
It is a workbook and little by little, step by step it will help you to regain and enjoy your life, even as a relative of a substance abuser

10 years...

Impossible?

Fantastic review about the Self-help manual!

I visited addictionblog.org and found a fantastic and informative review about the Self-help manual for relatives of substance abusers!:  

"I believe that learning to say NO and letting go of control are the most valuable lessons that you’ll learn from this book. The big plus of this self-help manual is that it’s full with exercises rather than theory. Everything is put into practice! Also, the style is simple, and easy to understand.

Even though this book is an excellent guide to relatives of substance abusers, I’ll recommend that everyone interested in addiction recovery can read it. What I like the most about this self-help manual is that its exercises are applicable not only to families of substance abusers, but also in all fields in your life. As a teacher, I will definitely use some of the exercises into my classes."

HERE'S WHERE YOU CAN FIND THE BOOK. 

  

READ THE FULL REVIEW HERE.

Do you see a pattern?

The behaviors that we develop in our lives often shows in several different relationships. If you find yourself in a relationship which may be destructive, and if you don't like your own behavior in this relationship, think back; is this behavior recognizable to you?   

Can you notice some kind of non-beneficial pattern that comes back to you time after time? Think back to the relationships you had with your family, friends, colleagues etc. A behavior, developed by being a relative, is not bound to the relationship you have with the person with the addiction, but does usually integrate into other relationships in your life as well.

Ex.
1) If I, in my relationship with the addicted, have a hard time saying no and putting up my own borders, it may also show in my relationships with friends or at my work place.

2) If I want to have control over other people to make everything as good as possible (according to my own values), then I may have a tendency to control things beyond my own area of responsibility.

3) If I have hard time telling the addicted what I feel and think, then I may have a hard time telling other people what I feel and think as well. 

Is this a pattern that you might recognize? Or a similar pattern? In that case, how do these patterns play out in the relationships in your life?

You are more than welcome to share your own experiences!

To fill that empty space

Richard Engfors writes in his book Allt eller inget (transl.: all or nothing) how the alcohol helped him to fill the void inside of him. This makes me think about the many conversations I had with people who suffered from alcohol- and drug addiction while I worked inside the correctional care system.

Many people told me about the so called vacuity. The big, black hole filled with so much sorrow and futility. But, how the alcohol and the drugs helped them to not feel this void.
I would like to take this notion a step further, by saying that I can imagine how relatives to addicts often experience the same feeling of vacuity. When you are addicted to another person you will probably fill up that empty hole inside by focusing the other persons problems and difficulties, instead of your own. And hopefully, you may get love and affection in return. So, the fear of feeling that vacuity inside may be one reason why some people stay in destructive relationships.

The only way to get yourself out of that addiction is to face whatever may be in that black hole inside of you, and to get help to deal with whatever you may find. To accept that you sometimes may feel this blackness, and that it is okay. It is not dangerous and it will pass.

What do you think? Is this something you might recognize yourself in?

The silence that prevents healing

As a relative to a person suffering from an addiction you often keep quiet and don't talk about your own problems. You might feel ashamed, guilty or maybe you got a bad conscience. You don't want anyone else to know how things really are. As a relative it is common to often put a lot of energy in keeping up a good looking facade. To smile even though you don't feel like it, or to lie in order to hide the truth.

Keeping quiet and not talking about how things really are is one of the biggest obstacles which stops us from staring to feel better. The silence prevents us from healing and feeling better.

Talking with others in order to hear their perspective and knowledge is an invaluable means to heal! That doesn't mean you have to share your deepest fears and problems with everyone you meet. We wouldn't do that anyway. Your inner struggles aren't everyone's business. But one idea is to choose a number of people that you trust. Talk to heal. If you want to talk to someone that knows more about relatives to people suffering from addiction, ask a therapist or coach whom work with these kind of problems.

Speak out! It's going to make you feel better. One step on that road can be to write something in the comment section on this blog! :-)

Emotional neglect

Children that have grown up in families with alcohol and drug abuse problems often say that they feel forgotten and neglected, not seen or acknowledged. They also say that they started to take responsibilities of adults at an early age since the substance abusing parent didn't take that responsibility.

A woman that I met, that grew up with an alcoholic father, has told me that her feelings were never tended to and that they didn't talk about feelings in her family. This is why she today, as an adult, has taken on the challenge to put words on the feelings she feel in different situations.

Being emotionally neglected as a child has its consequences once the child becomes an adult.. When one of the parents has an alcohol or drug addiction problem, that person is probably periodically unable to give attention to their child's feelings. And if the other parent has their attention on the addict, then the child will be forgotten. As an adult the forgotten child might have low self esteem, easily conform to other's wishes without thinking about what they want, trying to perform in order to get noticed or not being able to handle or trust their own feelings.

This is only a single problem amongst many that children growing up with parents who suffers from addiction experience. 

We need to recognize and help these children, and we also need to help the many adults who still suffers from the consequences.of going through this type of childhood. Especially those who find it hard talking about their past or their feelings. There is help to give and there is help to be given!  

Do you have any thoughts or questions? 
Please send me an email at: info@carinabang.se 

Take care! 
/Carina