3 ways to handle personal attacks

There are many relatives to people suffering from substance abuse who testify that they have to put up with personal attacks, accusations and blame.

It hurts. And it may be hard not paying back "with the same coin". Results? You can imagine them yourself. It will, of course, only get worse!

In the end, it may be these personal attacks that finally get you to end the relationship; you can no longer stand being someone else's “toilet” in which they constantly throw up their anger and disappointment. You end the relationship in order to take care of yourself. You end it, because you always feel worse every time you talk to the person.

But some people find it hard breaking the relationship. For example, if the one who's abusing is an underage child. It can also be difficult in other relationships due to strong ties and feelings towards the person with alcohol- or drug problems.

Do you recognize yourself? Read the suggestions below – they might help you in facing your loved one.

1. Don't “counterattack”!
Instead, reply with something short, but honest, for example: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
2. Use open questions!

Open questions often begin with “what”, “how”, “in what way”? The open questions will give the ball back to the person who first “attacked”. Don't go to defense.

For example:

"I'm sorry you feel that way. In what way will you be able to manage those feelings?".
"It must be very hard to feel that way. What can you do to seek help?".
"It's terrible to feel that way. How can you solve this problem?"

3. In the worst cases, avoid response
Go away, hang up the phone, put your headphones on and listen to music instead. If the person is calling you names or uses accusations against you, and you're not listening, it will have no effect. If you're consistently ignoring the person and making something better of your time than to listen and join in the fight, he/she will realise that there´s no point, since there's no “receiver”. The person gets no attention to his/her behavior. It is useless.

Remember, we need to rehearse these strategies over and over again, often for several months. If a person is used to being able to “trigger” you with attacks and blaming, it'll take some time before they understand that you're not responding to this behaviour any longer. And this'll only work if you're not fighting back. If you do, the strategies will become meaningless.

Try it out and see if you can recognize any change! And be consistent.

If you have any thoughts or questions, please send me a message on my Facebook-page: Carina Bang Author

Take care! 

6 Communication Skills For Parents

One of the number one concerns of parents is whether their children will use, or are using, drugs. What if there were something you could do to help prevent drug abuse?

There are good news; research shows that parents play an important role in preventing their children from using drugs. There are different parenting skills that you can use to prevent both initiation and progression of drug use. 

SO WHAT ARE THESE SKILLS? 

1. Communication

Communication skills help parents stay on top of what is happening in their children’s lives as well as detect problems early on. You want to stay away from blaming, accusing or angry outbursts. It’s a good idea to make a plan to deal with the situation within 24 hours, rather than attempt to have a conversation while you’re angry.

2. Encouragement

This is truly integral in order to build confidence, reduce conflict and promote cooperation. Comparing children to their siblings, taking over when progress is too slow or reminding children of their past failures should in all cases be avoided.

3. Negotiation

Negotiation encourages problem solving and cooperation. It allows children to learn about focusing on finding solutions, thinking through possible consequences of their behavior and creating communication skills.

4. Setting Limits

Limits are important because they provide guidelines and teach children how important it is to follow rules. Limits teach children about self-control, responsibility and safe boundaries.

5. Supervision

Supervision is integral for effective parenting because it helps parents with spotting problems and staying involved. It promotes safety, however, it’s not always feasible to have your children within your sight. When your kids are away from the home, look at their schedule, call them, have them check in, surprise them with random calls or visits and stay in contact with other adults who interact with them.

6. Knowing Your Child’s Friends

The uncertainty of the children´s self-image, how they “fit in” and the need to please and impress their friends can leave them vulnerable to peer pressure. It’s important to stay in communication with their friends and parents, observe who they hang out with, discuss sex and drugs (so they’re not getting the info from unreliable sources) and talk to them when a concern comes up. 

It’s important to be someone that your child can come to with their triumphs, problems and concerns. Be their sounding board, cheerleader and number one defender and advocate. There are going to be stumbles and falls along the way, but remember that we’re striving for them to have happy, healthy, and productive lives and that all experience—good and bad—teaches us important life lessons.

Do you want to read more? 

See this link: https://www.drugabuse.gov/sites/default/files/familycheckup_8_15.pdf