When we go through
something traumatic (which is usually the case when our close one
chooses to escape reality through drugs and alcohol or other
destructive behaviors), we often try to understand the reason or
correct the error. Guilt means that we are in debt to someone; that
we have done something wrong and that we want to change and take
responsibility for what we have done. However, since we don't “own”
the problem (the addiction), we can't correct it. But this
doesn't stop us from trying to solve the problem in all possible, and
impossible, ways. When our attempts fail, we blame ourselves. We
create thoughts like: "I should have done something else ... ","
I did not do enough"," I should have been kinder ... ",
and so on.
I attended a really
interesting lecture held by therapist Anders Jansson. He described
the different kinds of feelings of guilt:
This
is when you know
you did something wrong, for example stealing something. The feeling
of guilt is needed in this situation, since we need to ask ourselves
what we've done and to not do it again. Guilt teaches us that we
shouldn't repeat certain actions. What makes us feel guilt has proven
to differ between different countries, cultures and ages.
We learn to feel this guilt in early
childhood, and continue bearing it into adulthood. You learn to feel
guilty even though you haven't done something wrong. An example is
that of a mother who gets a migraine and need to take lot of pills
because her child doesn't eat up his/her dinner. She becomes angry
and the pills makes her completely drowsy. The child feels guilty,
thinking that it was he/she who made the mother take pills. When
growing up, the person continues to blame him/herself, usually when
someone else is sad, angry or upset.
For example, when a person with
alcohol problems tries to wash away his/her negative feelings with
more alcohol. The body and the brain says it's wrong. The person may
feel even more guilty which only leads to more drinking, just to numb
the feelings. Another example is when we as relatives are lagging
behind with paying the bills or turning down seeing friends since we
don't want to tell anyone how we really feel. We don't take care of
our own needs. Our body and brain knows it, which makes us feel even
more guilty. If we, upon this, make the connection that it is toward
someone else we feel guilty, we try to compensate this by taking care
of the other person's needs rather than our own.
A question you can
ask yourself is: Do I have the power to influence the situation and
do I have responsibility for it? If I have neither the power to
influence it or the responsibility to do so, there's not much I can
do, right?
For example, a
child growing up with a father with a drinking problem. At every
party he gets very drunk and unpleasant, stumbling around and
breaking things. Do the child have the power to influence this
situation? No. Do the child have a responsible for the situation? No.
But the child still experience guilt and shame.
Feelings
of guilt can also be created when our close one's with addiction
choose to take the drug after we've tried talking to them, or when
we've avoided talking to them. There may also be feelings of guilt if
the person has been sober for a long time and then relapses. We may
think that: "It is my fault, I should never have said that".
"If only I had been with him more often this would not have
happened”. “If only I had been kinder". In a way, there are
things to learn in this situation. Our ways of communication always
have a kind of impact, both positive or negative, in all our
relationships. Our communication towards others affects how we feel
later on. But it's never your fault if a person relapses. All people
have a choice. There are those who suffered severe experiences in
life, such as death, accidents, sexual assault, rape or natural
disasters, but who still choose other strategies than taking drugs in
order to cope. Others choose alcohol, drugs, pills, games, shopping
or sex to escape their experiences. It is not uncommon that they
blame their close ones, who are easy targets when it comes to taking
on their own guilt. The relatives are told that they have done wrong
and the cause of the persons poor mental state is therefore their
fault. They may be accused for all kinds of things. In my work I've
heard things such as: "you didn't cut the lawn often enough”,
“I didn't get a dog as a child”, “you've been an absent
parent". Sometimes there might be truth to the accusations, and
sometimes not. However, whatever it is, it's still the person's own
choice to take the drug or not. The most tragic part is that most
people who develop an addiction start in their early teenage years.
In that age the frontal lobe is not fully developed, which makes it
difficult to realize the consequences and risks of their actions.
If
you experience a lot of guilt, try doing this exercise. Think about a
situation that make you feel guilty. Write down what your intention
for your actions were in the moment. Try looking at the situation
from a more realistic point of view. Write down what you could do
instead, if you end up in a similar situation once more.
EXERCISE IN DEALING WITH FEELINGS OF GUILT:
MY
THOUGHTS THAT
CREATEGUILT |
WHAT
WAS MY
INTENTION WITH HOW I ACTED IN THE SITUATION |
WHAT
WOULD BE A MORE
REALISTICT WAY TO VIEW THE SITUATION |
HOW
CAN I ACT THE NEXT TIME SOMETHING SIMILAR HAPPENS?
|
I
gave him $ 50 for
a new pair of shoes. He used the money to buy drugs. It's my fault that he's an addict. |
I wanted to give him new shoes. |
I
made a misjudgment when I gave him
the money. On the other side, he's the one to choose what to do with the money. If I hadn't given him the $ 50, he would've found money for drugs in some other way. |
I
will not give him any money until he's stable and free from drugs.
|
I
didn't pick up the phone when she called yesterday, since I had
finally started to fall asleep. Now she's texted me that I'm never
there for her, and that might be true.
|
I was so tired and was finally gonna get some sleep. | I have the right to sleep at night. I help the person in many other ways. |
Next
time it
happens I will do the same (not answer), but I can write her a text before I go to sleep and tell her that I will turn off my phone, so she knows it beforehand. |
| Your example:
|
Your example:
|
Your example: | Your example: |
| Your example:
|
Your example:
|
Your example: | Your example: |
| Your example:
|
Your example:
|
Your example: | Your example: |
If
you suffer from a lot of guilt, bring out a pencil and a note book
and write down as much as possible about all the reasons why you feel
guilty. Do a reality test on all your feelings of guilt. Sometimes
the thoughts may freeze and you may get stuck on the guilty feelings,
which will block any other realistic thoughts. Maybe we've had some
our guilty thoughts for several years which makes it hard to find
realistic thoughts. If that's the case, talk to a therapist or friend
for help! Some thing tend to untangle when we hear others' thoughts
on the situation.
Do you have any questions or thoughts?
Please contact me at:
info@carinabang.se
You can also follow me on my Facebook-page: Carina Bang.
Take care!
/Carina
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