What do you carry on your back?

We all have emotions and memories that burdens our lives. It can be from the childhood, catastrophes, broken relationships and so on.

We store them in our minds so that they are not visible on our surface. We hide it well. But when someone wants to get closer to us and opens the door to our inner memories it will all come tumbling down.

Instead of treading on or walking around it, it might be time to clean out you inner emotions. Make a decision and throw away everything negative and never let it disturb you again, like ripping out the pages of a book.

You can turn this into a defined exercise if that will help you more. Take some post-it notes and a trash can. Write down one negative emotion/memory on each post-it note and throw them one by one in the trash can.

Some old dark clouds that roam in you present mind are harder to get rid of than others. Then you can write them down and also answer these questions:
*WHAT can I do to leave this behind?
*WHAT do I need to succeed with this?
*WHEN should I do it?

HOW you do it can vary greatly, anything from getting therapy-treatment, to talk to someone that might be one source of your troubles, or cut of the contact to someone, or to write a letter to someone you never usually write to, or to pay debts (both financial and emotional). Yes, it can be anything. Only you know what you need to do.

If you clean out the old baggage you will have the possibility to write new pages and chapters in the future!

Have a wonderful day!

/Carina

Need a medicin for shame? Talk to someone you trust!

As a relative it's common to feel shame and guilt. Is it my fault that the alcoholic drinks? What could I've done differently? It's my failure that the person uses drugs. What would others think of me if they knew how things really are? What would other people say about me if they knew how I really have it at home?

Often we try to keep the problem as secret as possible.We think we're alone in this situation. That no one else would understand. That strengthens the shame. Dare to talk to someone! Choose a good friend, relative, therapist, go to open meetings at for example Alanon. There you will meet others with similar experiences. By talking to others the feeling of shame is reduced.You will probably also realize that many more people than you would have ever believed have experiences of the exact same problems as you.

Take courage and talk! You will probably meet more understanding than you would ever have guessed!

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Guilt & Shame

Guilt and shame are natural feelings. However, when these feelings become excessive, one's self-image may become distorted. A relative to a person with an alcohol- or drug addiction is usually highly familiar to this type of guilt and shame. 

Shame afflicts one's self-respect and is connected to one's sense of existence and worth. 
Guilt is connected to the actions we may take.

As a relative we may try to hold up the facade of "normality". We think "what would my friends think of me?", "what will they say at work?", "what would the teachers of my children think?". The feeling of shame is strong - way stronger than our constructive thoughts. We might feel shame for not being able to do something, shame over our behavior and for being controlling, or shame for putting our children through misery.

The psychologist, therapist and author Marta Cullberg Weston writes in her book ”Från skam till självrespekt” (trans.: From shame to self-respect), how the shame and guilt we feel for bringing up our children in an unsafe environment is the hardest one, since children often don't speak of the problem, or have a hard time understanding and defining it.

Cullberg Weston writes about the difference between the temporary and the chronic shame. The temporary shame is connected to a single event or a specific situation, and might emerge when we've done a big mistake. Or for example when our spouse is very drunk and noisy at a dinner party with your good friends. Maybe we'll blush and feel "violated in our soul".
The chronic shame, however, is much more harmful and stem from one's self-image. This shame may make the person feel useless, not good enough and not worth loving. The background for chronic shame lies in the human need to be loved and accepted. As a baby we search for our mothers eyes in order to reassure that we are not alone, and in order to ensure our own survival.

We need to recognize our shame in order to face it. We need to face all the suppressed feelings we may have; guilt, anger, fear, sorrow and so on. One may easily become emotionally stuck in a relationship with an alcohol- or drug abuser. By recognizing these feelings we may start the process of becoming aware of how we want our lives to look like, and what to do in order to get there. Maybe we realize that the only thing we can do is to leave the relationship. A parent often find strength in their children; the thought of saving them becomes their driving force. The best way of getting rid of the shame and guilt is to focus only on the things you are able to influence, too look at yourself from outside and to clearly recognize your thoughts and feelings.


Do you feel guilt or shame even though you're not sure where these feelings come from? Think about the following questions:

"I don't want people to think that I am..."
"I don't want to be seen as a..."
"I think I would die if people recognized that I..."
"I can't bare the thought of people thinking of me like a..."

Face your shame instead of running away from it!
Recognize the problem and talk about it! You're worth it :)

Shame

Shame is a deep, heavy and tearing emotion. The shame is closely related to angst, humiliation, guilt and degradation.

If you go through a traumatic experience shame is often an emotion that appears afterwards. Shame worsens the process of recovery and the ability to heal because the person is unable to forgive themselves for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Shame can also appear because of our culture, religion, family, our childhood or the past.

People with strong feelings of shame often have bad self esteem and feel different and less worthy and in some cases they feel like bad or evil people. The trauma and the resulting shame strengthen one another, which causes a bigger damage in mental wounds. In the end, the consequences can be that the traumatized person no longer feel that they are worthy to be loved or lead a good life. To get rid of the feelings of shame is a essential part of recovery after a traumatic experience.

If you need help to handle your feelings of shame you should talk to a professional therapist. One of the most effective actions to reduce the shame is to express your feelings, get guidance and support in your healing process. If you don't want to go to a therapist a loyal friend can be a replacement and offer help, the main point is that you talk to someone to release the shame. Your listener should be someone that supports you and shows you acceptance with a positive attitude.

After that you have to agree to forgive yourself. Ask yourself if your life would be different or better if you could forgive yourself and let your thoughts of shame go.

Lastly, have faith!
However big your feeling of shame may be or have been, it is possible to heal.

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Emotional baggage

We all have emotions and memories that burdens our lives. It can be from the childhood, catastrophes, broken relationships and so on.

We store them in our minds so that they are not visible on our surface. No one can see how we conceal all the junk. But when someone wants to get closer to us and opens the door to our inner memories it will all come tumbling down on them.

Instead of treading on or walking around it, it might be time to clean out you inner emotions. Make a decision and throw away everything negative and never let it disturb you again, like ripping out the pages of a book.

You can turn this into a defined exercise if that will help you more. Take some post-it notes and a trash can. Write down one negative emotion/memory on each post-it note and throw them one by one in the trash can.

Some old dark clouds that roam in you present mind are harder to get rid of than others. Then you can write them down and also answer these questions:
*WHAT can I do to leave this behind?
*WHAT do I need to succeed with this?
*WHEN should I do it?


HOW you do it can vary greatly, anything from getting therapy-treatment, to talk to someone that might be one source of your troubles, or cut of the contact to someone, or to write a letter to someone you never usually write to, or to pay debts (both financial and emotional). Yes, it can be anything. Only you know what you need to do.

If you clean out the old baggage you will have the possibility to write new pages and chapters in the future!