There is a thing that relatives of substance abusers can make sure to do. And that is to avoid what I call the "Ultimatum-trap". It only puts the realtive in tough positions.
This is usually how it happens:
Relative: If you drink/do drugs again I will leave you!
Addict: I promise. I will never drink/do drugs again. Don't leave me!
And so times move on. The person with the substance abuse-problems manages to stay sober for awhile. But eventually the drugs and the alcohol slowly start showing up again.
The relative gets very disappointed and sad. But does not leave. The relative does not keep to their ultimatum but stays where they are.
This have different effects, such as:
* The addict thinks: Aha! She/he does not leave. I can keep on drinking/doing drugs.
* The relative feels guilt and shame for not standing up for themselves and their own values.
* The relative accepts their boundaries to be moved further. You start accepting things you never thought you would allow.
* The realtive let themselves down, and stops believing in their own words, they see them as empty threats.
* The addict does also not believe what the relative says anymore. He/she threatened to leave before, it's going to pass.
There are surely other negative consequences that you can think of.
So, to avoid the "ultimatum-trap", that we often step into because we mean what we say right in that moment and because we are frustrated and hurt, it is better to keep quiet. Say something else instead. Tell the addict what you think of the alcohol/drug. But don't utter any ultimatums if you are not one hundred percent sure that you will keep to it.
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