Why it's important that the whole family must receive help!

We finally talk about it! Research and media increasingly address the fact that addiction is a disease which often affects the families; it can ruin close relationships or disrupt an entire family.

HOW CAN A PERSONS ADDICTION AFFECT HIS/HER FAMILIES AND FRIENDS?

Instability inside the family 

For the person with addiction, the alcohol/drug primarily comes in first hand. It may be that the person doesn't take responsibility for his/her actions or responsibilities in or outside the home. This may lead to major conflicts and instability within the family. 

Mistrust, lies and theft 

Lying is often common for a person with an addiction, and the intention is almost always to hide their addiction. They might even steal money or other things from people in their surroundings. This obviously creates anger and disbelief, since the relatives feel let down.

Economic problems 

It is common that the addict doesn't take responsibility for his/her work, school, shopping etc. It may often be the case that the person instead relies on their families for financial support. 

Conflicts between the family members 

Abuse can lead to strong negativism in the home. The anger and sorrow that the family members feel may turn into aggression against each other, instead of the person with an addiction. Fights, accusations, insults and yelling is common between family members in a house where a person with addiction lives.  

Shame and denial 

Even the relatives may feel ashamed because of their loved ones addiction, which may lead to them denying the abuse, both to themselves and to others. In the worst case, they may also begin to use alcohol or drugs, in an attempt to deal with the painful feelings. 

WHY AM I WRITING ABOUT THIS? 

It's important for you as a relative to have all these things in mind. Maybe you're in a similar situation as to the ones described above. Maybe you live in a destructive family situation, where arguing and fights are common, and you're not even sure about the reason to it all; as mention above, it is common that relatives to people with addiction live in denial. Think about how your current living situation looks like, comparing it to what you've just read. Maybe it can help you sorting out your and your family members lives.  

HOW CAN YOU GET HELP AND SUPPORT? 

Get in touch with a support group where you can meet others who live in a similar situation as your own, or have experienced the same thing. Prioritize your own needs and the needs of your family members! Prioritize your children! One suggestion is to seek professional help, such as therapy, financial adviser, medical center, etc.We cannot solve all the problems ourselves! 

 

Is my loved one and addict, or am I just overreacting?

Many families are constantly bearing this question.

The main thing is not to focus on the label "alcoholic" or "addict". It is rather about how the persons behavior affects their own lives.

If you've noticed that there might be problems due to alcohol/drug consumption, in areas such as the persons work, health, relationships, finances, self-confidence, self-respect, the law or similar areas, you're not overreacting. People with an addiction are usually unwilling to talk about their problems, or even admit to themselves or others that there is a problem.


Below are some suggestions on what you can do to get some answers to your questions and concerns!
 
1. Learn about how a person with an addiction may behave 
2. Observe the person's behavior carefully for a few days or weeks, without saying anything about it.
3. Talk about the person with other family members or friends. Have they also noticed something that deviates from the persons normal behavior?
4. Seek professional help! For example: alcoholism/drug counseling, doctor, social worker, etc. Tell them about the things you have observed!    
 
Important! Make sure that you or other family members can not come to physical harm! Come up with a safety plan in case you don't feel safe, or if something should happen. 

TAKE CARE!
/Carina  

10 years...

How can I help someone realize that they have a problem?

Do you feel as you are doing everything you can to help your loved one out of her/his abuse? That you're constantly talking to the person about it, but nothing happens?

You have probably tried all the different strategies there is... However, here are some suggestions on what might actually work. Try it, and see how it turns out. Stick to what works better. The rest is just unnecessary energy.


THIS WILL NOT WORK:

- Giving "lessons"
- Threatening ("if you do not ...")
- Yelling 
- Accusing ("You always do this," "It's your fault that ...")
- Setting ultimatum, and after that, giving the person a second chance, even though he/she broke the promise
- Trying to hold a conversation when the person is under the influence of alcohol/drugs

 

THIS IS WHAT YOU CAN DO INSTEAD:

Use positive communication and "I-statements". For example: "I/we care about you" or "I/we want you to get help, for your own sake." Instead of "you are always wasted/high on Christmas Eve," you can say, "I would be so happy if we were celebrating a white Christmas this year".

There is a risk that people suffering from addiction will deny/avoid their problems. If they admit that they've got a problem, it means that they have to take care of it.  

Set limits!  
These limits shall, among with other things, be about what you accept when it comes to your home (either your own home or the home you share together with the person), your finances and your relationships with other people. Hold on to these limits! Leave the person alone and make something better of your time in case if he/she is under the influence.

And, if you've tried everything and you still feel that nothing is happening, or that things are getting worse, seek professional help!

TAKE CARE! 
/Carina  

What is the relatives view on addiction?

As long as a person lives in denial, he/she will always try to protect/hide the addiction, especially from the close ones. All attempts from you as a relative to communicate might turn against you (you may be called "hysterical" or that you have a "lively imagination").

If you are constantly told that you're are crazy, you may finally begin to distrust your own judgment, resulting in a situation where your loved one is able to continue with his/her addiction, without consequences. It will be even more complicated if you're economically dependent or if you have children with the person.

Many family members who have gone through therapy explains how a big part of their lives revolves around the addict, and that their own needs always come in second hand, even during the therapy (if their loved one is present during the sessions). This is further complicated when a relative is used to tolerate and accept many things which are actually not okay, leading to a "normalization" of things that actually are "abnormal".

What many families are experiencing is that they:
- Tolerate things that they otherwise would never tolerate.
- Sacrifice their own time, and in the same time expecting to receive something in return.
- Do things for others, things like the others ought to do for themselves. 
- Act against their own believes (ex. nags, begs, blames or shout).
- Set ultimatum that they will not keep.
- Make great efforts to build up a "facade". 
- Create a strong, irrational conviction, like "if only X does this, everything will be fine".
- Fight hard to remain calm.
- Accept a life of drama and chaos.

A big help might be for you to talk to other relatives/families who are in the same situation as yourself. This might make you manage to express your feelings, and thus clarify the situation, realizing what's actually "normal" to accept. It may also help you to realize that there are so many others who are going through the same thing as yourself!

Changing one addiction for another

Getting rid of an addiction is not easy, but neither is staying sober. It is important to know that a bad habit easily can be replaced with another, and thinking about it, is it not that hard to figure out why: 

Addiction is usually a destructive behavior stemming from an inner emotional problem. Even if a person gets sober, he/she might still be suffering from the unresolved issue which caused the addiction in the first place. This may often lead to another addiction, and another one after that...

Michelle, 36, knows how it is to jump between different "obsessions", as she calls it. She recovered from an alcohol addiction about three years ago, but it only took five month for her to realize that she had replaced the alcohol for an obsession with food instead. She could go weeks without barely eating, whereupon she got the diagnosis anorexia. She explains how her sobriety didn't help her getting rid of the deep depression she had suffered from for many years.

It's good for a relative to know that a person whom has recovered from an addiction might be very vulnerable. When the person is deprived from the "solution" (such as alcohol or drugs) that has suppressed his/her problems for a long time, inner feelings may blow up, and the only thing that can overthrow them is another addiction.

How can one help a person who seems to relapse over and over again?

The most important thing is to look at the eventual psychiatric issues which might have caused the addiction in the first place. The addiction is not the only disease in the equation! One thing you can do as a relative is to talk to your close one about his/her feelings after his/her recovery. It might be a very good thing if the person has a close contact with a therapist/professional. Another thing which has proven to be effective is if the person talks to other people being in the same situation. A suggestion is going to support groups on a regular basis.

When Michelle was cured from her eating disorder, she started to look into her emotional issues. She understood that there was no other way for her to not fall back into another addiction. Today she explains how she's been sober for almost a year, which is the result of a lot of hard work in dealing with her depression. Beside from her own struggle, the most important part of the process was the support from her friends and family. "I know I did a lot of hard work", she says, "but I couldn't have done it without them". 
 

Do you want to read more about being a relative to a person suffering from addiction? Visit me on Facebook :)  

Take care! /Carina

Have you read the self-help manual?

Have you read "Self-help manual for relatives to substance abusers"?

It would be fantastic to hear your thoughts about it! Please give a review at Amazon! It'll help other relatives too! 

Click here to leave a review!

Thank you sooooo much!

Impossible?

7 warning signs of relapse!

Are you a relative of a person who has recently become sober, but constantly goes around and is afraid that he/she will fall back into the addiction?

You're not alone! In fact, the risk of relapse during the first 12 months is very common; approximately 64 percent. But it is important to know that it gets better with time. After about 3 years of sustained sobriety the risk of relapse decreases to about 14 percent!
  

 Some warning signs of relapse may be: 

 1. Extreme fatigue due to for example congestion. 

2. Dishonesty. The person is lying about, for example, what he/she has done or spent his/her money on.

3. Excessive self-confidence in her/his ability to stay sober. 

4. Unreasonable expectations of how others should think or be. 

5. He/she often becomes aggressive/angry without any cause. 

6. Depressed mood, which can be a signs of a "real" clinical depression. 

7. Unreasonably high expectations on him/herself, which often leads to disappointment when he/she does not achieve the goals.

If you as a family member notice these kind of change in the persons' behavior:  speak calmly about it and then listen to what she/he has to say/feel. Try to act before it is too late. The person may seek professional help from for example doctors, therapists or different treatment facilities.

The need for control

The need for control is common amongst relatives of people suffering from substance abuse. One might often become overconfident when it comes to controlling another person. 

The need for control may turn in to a kind of addiction of its own. If you feel as if you've lost the control, you may experience anxiety, palpitations, rapid breathing, etc. But once the "feeling of control" comes back, it may temporally reduce these negative feelings. This usually turns into an destructive spiral.
  

Do you recognize yourself? Read the questions below and think. 
Please write down your answers in the comments!
  
- In what kind of way are you trying to control the person suffering from drug- or alcohol abuse?
- How does these feelings/actions express themselves? 
- When do they take place? 
- What are you trying to gain? 
- How does the "behavior of control" make you feel? 
- What would happen if you let go of the "control"? How do you think it would make you feel? 
- What type of "behavior of control" would be easiest to let go of? 

Good luck with your exercise!
/Carina