Help yourself today

As a relative we often focus on the needs of the person with substance abuse problem, and forget our own needs. We do not prioritize our selves. This might lead to exhaustion, headache, stomach problems and/or fatigue.

So, my question for you today is:

What can you do today to help yourself in satisfying your own needs? 

Make a decision to do something. You're not going to do it tomorrow, the day after tomorrow or some other day. What can you do TODAY?

Feel free to write a comment of what you might do!

What might happen if you say no?

Do you often say yes, although you actually mean no? Do you find yourself in situations where you wonder "how on earth did I get here?". Do you often promise do do things for/with others, that you in fact don't want to do? Do you often run out of energy when taking care of the needs of others, when you actually need to take care of yourself? 

Many of us experience problems with saying no. These problems stir up a lot of anxiety and fear. Fear of feeling mean, ungrateful or tight-fisted. Fear of not being liked or loved.

How do you feel when you say no?

If you ask a friend for help, would you like her/him to say yes merely out of fear that you wouldn't like her/him otherwise?

What would you gain by saying no sometimes?


Think about these questions the next time someone asks you to do something! 

Take care! 

Self-help Manual for a larger well-being

I'm glad to see that the self-help manual have been helpful to so many!

The "Self-Help Manual For Relatives of Substance Abusers" focuses on helping relatives to substance abusers to free themselves from a destructive relationship. Through the support of this manual, the hope is for the reader to come closer to the goals and dreams that they have. The book provides the perspectives of the relative's situation, and contains self-help exercises for the reader. It is for those who want to start a gradual process to a larger well-being. 

Below are some statements from people who have read the Self-Help Manual, and in which way it helped them: 

"Before reading the book I didn't feel strong enough to tell my relative how i felt, but now I have the courage and the strength to bring up sensitive topics."

"I have made a huge progress. My distress over my mothers substance abuse is all in all gone."

"It has helped me understand more about my substance abusing relative, but also about my self and my own needs ."

"I'm not dwelling on things that have been as much anymore, the things I did wrong, what I could have done differently and so on."

"I got a new picture of what I can change and what is my responsibility, and what isn’t. It has also changed the way I communicate with my relative with alcohol problems"

"I let go of control to make myself happier."

 "Before I always got a bad conscience after speaking up for my self, but now I can tell the person how I feel without feeling any guilt. Instead I feel proud."  




"I learnt to realize that it isn't my fault that my relative is an addict."

"The practices that I have done during the time I was working with the self-help manual had made me dare to say “no more” and start focusing on my own needs."

If you would like to read the Self-help manual, klick here!

(The link will open in a new window)

Please send me a message and and tell med how it was helpful to you!

Do you see a pattern?

The behaviors that we develop in our lives often shows in several different relationships. If you find yourself in a relationship which may be destructive, and if you don't like your own behavior in this relationship, think back; is this behavior recognizable to you?   

Can you notice some kind of non-beneficial pattern that comes back to you time after time? Think back to the relationships you had with your family, friends, colleagues etc. A behavior, developed by being a relative, is not bound to the relationship you have with the person with the addiction, but does usually integrate into other relationships in your life as well.

Ex.
1) If I, in my relationship with the addicted, have a hard time saying no and putting up my own borders, it may also show in my relationships with friends or at my work place.

2) If I want to have control over other people to make everything as good as possible (according to my own values), then I may have a tendency to control things beyond my own area of responsibility.

3) If I have hard time telling the addicted what I feel and think, then I may have a hard time telling other people what I feel and think as well. 

Is this a pattern that you might recognize? Or a similar pattern? In that case, how do these patterns play out in the relationships in your life?

You are more than welcome to share your own experiences!

What can family members do? Excerpt from "Sober for Good" by Anne M. Fletcher

Anne M. Fletcher has written about the family's power to help an addict in her book "Sober for Good". Here is a summary of what she writes:

The family and friends of an addict do actually have the ability to help out, contrary to what many believe. It all depends on how it is done.

When Elena started to drink too much her husband Brett would try to hide the bottles from her. Brett made their son Glen watch out for when Elena was drinking and throw out any alcohol he would find, something that is very stressful for a child. However, none of these efforts ever really helped, and Elena would still drink. Glen says he doesn't think anything helps until the addict themself is ready. Elenas emotional response to her husband's and son's nagging was to get annoyed, regretful and in the end she just wanted to drink more.

What finally made Elena get sober was when her son expressed how sad he was because of her addiction and his worry for her wellbeing. All other attempts to get Elena sober had been done with anger, and that had never gotten through to her.

As a relative, you can never force the addict to become sober, but you can always be supportive and honest, attempts that will take you further!