DEAR READERS! I'VE CHANGED MY BLOG ADDRESS! PLEASE VISIT ME AT: relationandaddiction.blogspot.se
I HOPE I'LL SEE YOU THERE! :)
You will still be able to read all my previous posts here at codependencyinfo.blogspot.se
Thank you all for following me :)
Take care! / Carina
FAMILY, FRIENDS & ADDICTION - by author Carina Bang
Are you a relative of a person who has an addiction problem? Alcohol, drugs and other addictions have destructive consequences for those who are close. It could be your parent, your child, partner, colleague or another person you care much about. Are you often worried about the person and a lot of your energy goes into trying to help the addict? This blog aims to provide support, knowledge and share experiences about being affected of someone else´s substance use.
Friday, July 1, 2016
I'VE CHANGE MY ADDRESS!
Etiketter:
#abuser
,
#addict
,
#addiction
,
#alcohol #drug #addiction
,
#alcoholic
,
#child #addict
,
#family #addiction
,
#friend #addiction
,
#help #addiction
,
#parent #addict
,
#relative #addict
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Dealing with Feelings of Guilt
When we go through
something traumatic (which is usually the case when our close one
chooses to escape reality through drugs and alcohol or other
destructive behaviors), we often try to understand the reason or
correct the error. Guilt means that we are in debt to someone; that
we have done something wrong and that we want to change and take
responsibility for what we have done. However, since we don't “own”
the problem (the addiction), we can't correct it. But this
doesn't stop us from trying to solve the problem in all possible, and
impossible, ways. When our attempts fail, we blame ourselves. We
create thoughts like: "I should have done something else ... ","
I did not do enough"," I should have been kinder ... ",
and so on.
I attended a really
interesting lecture held by therapist Anders Jansson. He described
the different kinds of feelings of guilt:
This
is when you know
you did something wrong, for example stealing something. The feeling
of guilt is needed in this situation, since we need to ask ourselves
what we've done and to not do it again. Guilt teaches us that we
shouldn't repeat certain actions. What makes us feel guilt has proven
to differ between different countries, cultures and ages.
We learn to feel this guilt in early
childhood, and continue bearing it into adulthood. You learn to feel
guilty even though you haven't done something wrong. An example is
that of a mother who gets a migraine and need to take lot of pills
because her child doesn't eat up his/her dinner. She becomes angry
and the pills makes her completely drowsy. The child feels guilty,
thinking that it was he/she who made the mother take pills. When
growing up, the person continues to blame him/herself, usually when
someone else is sad, angry or upset.
For example, when a person with
alcohol problems tries to wash away his/her negative feelings with
more alcohol. The body and the brain says it's wrong. The person may
feel even more guilty which only leads to more drinking, just to numb
the feelings. Another example is when we as relatives are lagging
behind with paying the bills or turning down seeing friends since we
don't want to tell anyone how we really feel. We don't take care of
our own needs. Our body and brain knows it, which makes us feel even
more guilty. If we, upon this, make the connection that it is toward
someone else we feel guilty, we try to compensate this by taking care
of the other person's needs rather than our own.
A question you can
ask yourself is: Do I have the power to influence the situation and
do I have responsibility for it? If I have neither the power to
influence it or the responsibility to do so, there's not much I can
do, right?
For example, a
child growing up with a father with a drinking problem. At every
party he gets very drunk and unpleasant, stumbling around and
breaking things. Do the child have the power to influence this
situation? No. Do the child have a responsible for the situation? No.
But the child still experience guilt and shame.
Feelings
of guilt can also be created when our close one's with addiction
choose to take the drug after we've tried talking to them, or when
we've avoided talking to them. There may also be feelings of guilt if
the person has been sober for a long time and then relapses. We may
think that: "It is my fault, I should never have said that".
"If only I had been with him more often this would not have
happened”. “If only I had been kinder". In a way, there are
things to learn in this situation. Our ways of communication always
have a kind of impact, both positive or negative, in all our
relationships. Our communication towards others affects how we feel
later on. But it's never your fault if a person relapses. All people
have a choice. There are those who suffered severe experiences in
life, such as death, accidents, sexual assault, rape or natural
disasters, but who still choose other strategies than taking drugs in
order to cope. Others choose alcohol, drugs, pills, games, shopping
or sex to escape their experiences. It is not uncommon that they
blame their close ones, who are easy targets when it comes to taking
on their own guilt. The relatives are told that they have done wrong
and the cause of the persons poor mental state is therefore their
fault. They may be accused for all kinds of things. In my work I've
heard things such as: "you didn't cut the lawn often enough”,
“I didn't get a dog as a child”, “you've been an absent
parent". Sometimes there might be truth to the accusations, and
sometimes not. However, whatever it is, it's still the person's own
choice to take the drug or not. The most tragic part is that most
people who develop an addiction start in their early teenage years.
In that age the frontal lobe is not fully developed, which makes it
difficult to realize the consequences and risks of their actions.
If
you experience a lot of guilt, try doing this exercise. Think about a
situation that make you feel guilty. Write down what your intention
for your actions were in the moment. Try looking at the situation
from a more realistic point of view. Write down what you could do
instead, if you end up in a similar situation once more.
EXERCISE IN DEALING WITH FEELINGS OF GUILT:
MY
THOUGHTS THAT
CREATEGUILT |
WHAT
WAS MY
INTENTION WITH HOW I ACTED IN THE SITUATION |
WHAT
WOULD BE A MORE
REALISTICT WAY TO VIEW THE SITUATION |
HOW
CAN I ACT THE NEXT TIME SOMETHING SIMILAR HAPPENS?
|
I
gave him $ 50 for
a new pair of shoes. He used the money to buy drugs. It's my fault that he's an addict. |
I wanted to give him new shoes. |
I
made a misjudgment when I gave him
the money. On the other side, he's the one to choose what to do with the money. If I hadn't given him the $ 50, he would've found money for drugs in some other way. |
I
will not give him any money until he's stable and free from drugs.
|
I
didn't pick up the phone when she called yesterday, since I had
finally started to fall asleep. Now she's texted me that I'm never
there for her, and that might be true.
|
I was so tired and was finally gonna get some sleep. | I have the right to sleep at night. I help the person in many other ways. |
Next
time it
happens I will do the same (not answer), but I can write her a text before I go to sleep and tell her that I will turn off my phone, so she knows it beforehand. |
Your example:
|
Your example:
|
Your example: | Your example: |
Your example:
|
Your example:
|
Your example: | Your example: |
Your example:
|
Your example:
|
Your example: | Your example: |
If
you suffer from a lot of guilt, bring out a pencil and a note book
and write down as much as possible about all the reasons why you feel
guilty. Do a reality test on all your feelings of guilt. Sometimes
the thoughts may freeze and you may get stuck on the guilty feelings,
which will block any other realistic thoughts. Maybe we've had some
our guilty thoughts for several years which makes it hard to find
realistic thoughts. If that's the case, talk to a therapist or friend
for help! Some thing tend to untangle when we hear others' thoughts
on the situation.
Do you have any questions or thoughts?
Please contact me at:
info@carinabang.se
You can also follow me on my Facebook-page: Carina Bang.
Take care!
/Carina
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Why do I do what I do?
When I was 16 years old, my mother asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. My answer was: "I want to fight drugs". Don't ask me where I got it from, because as far as I know, no one I knew at that time was addicted to drugs or alcohol. Nevertheless, I still understood that addiction destroys many precious lives and relationships.
Today, people who know me well sometimes ask me why I choose to sit indoors when the sun is shining to write to relatives to people suffering from addiction. Or why I choose to hold courses during my spare time, although my schedule's already full. Or why I sit in cafes writing books, when I can hang out with my friends instead.
My answer is still the same: "I want to fight drugs." But now, due to both my career and my own relationships, I've gain more experience and insight when it comes to knowing how destructive an addiction can be. Destructive, not only for the person who's addicted, but for all those living close to the person. Those who are in the middle of the emotional roller coaster conducted of fear, sadness, hope, disappointment and shattered dreams.
During my years working at the drug rehabilitation team at the detention center, I met many wonderful people, who for various reasons ended up in the drug nest. And to my great happiness I've been told that I helped many of these people to choose life. And to my great sadness, I've also lost some amazing people who's lives in the end got taken by the drugs. They'll always have a place in my heart.
I'm extremely passionate about what I do, since I know that there are solutions and that there's help. I will not give up, because I know that there are many paths to be taken which leads to a better, longer and more meaningful life.
I will continue doing this, because I know that what I do makes a difference, whether it is to support the person suffering from the addiction, or helping the families who have close connection to the person.
Looking at this, not much have changes since I was 16. I intend to continue the fight against drugs!
Together we are strong!
/Carina
Today, people who know me well sometimes ask me why I choose to sit indoors when the sun is shining to write to relatives to people suffering from addiction. Or why I choose to hold courses during my spare time, although my schedule's already full. Or why I sit in cafes writing books, when I can hang out with my friends instead.
My answer is still the same: "I want to fight drugs." But now, due to both my career and my own relationships, I've gain more experience and insight when it comes to knowing how destructive an addiction can be. Destructive, not only for the person who's addicted, but for all those living close to the person. Those who are in the middle of the emotional roller coaster conducted of fear, sadness, hope, disappointment and shattered dreams.
During my years working at the drug rehabilitation team at the detention center, I met many wonderful people, who for various reasons ended up in the drug nest. And to my great happiness I've been told that I helped many of these people to choose life. And to my great sadness, I've also lost some amazing people who's lives in the end got taken by the drugs. They'll always have a place in my heart.
I'm extremely passionate about what I do, since I know that there are solutions and that there's help. I will not give up, because I know that there are many paths to be taken which leads to a better, longer and more meaningful life.
I will continue doing this, because I know that what I do makes a difference, whether it is to support the person suffering from the addiction, or helping the families who have close connection to the person.
Looking at this, not much have changes since I was 16. I intend to continue the fight against drugs!
Together we are strong!
/Carina
Thursday, June 16, 2016
3 ways to handle personal attacks
There are many relatives to people suffering from substance abuse who testify that they have to put up with personal attacks, accusations and blame.
It hurts. And it may be hard not paying back "with the same coin". Results? You can imagine them yourself. It will, of course, only get worse!
In
the end, it may be these personal attacks that finally get you to end
the relationship; you can no longer stand being someone
else's “toilet” in which they constantly throw up their anger and
disappointment. You end the relationship in order to take care of
yourself. You end it, because you always feel worse every time you
talk to the person.
But some people find it hard breaking the relationship. For example, if the one who's abusing is an underage child. It can also be difficult in other relationships due to strong ties and feelings towards the person with alcohol- or drug problems.
Do
you recognize yourself? Read the suggestions below – they might
help you in facing your loved one.
1. Don't “counterattack”!
Instead, reply with something short, but honest, for example: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
2. Use open questions!
Open questions
often begin with “what”, “how”, “in what way”? The open
questions will give the ball back to the person who first “attacked”.
Don't go to defense.
For example:
"I'm sorry you feel that way. In what way will you
be able to manage those feelings?".
"It must be very hard to feel that way. What can you do to seek help?".
"It's terrible to feel that way. How can you solve this problem?"
"It must be very hard to feel that way. What can you do to seek help?".
"It's terrible to feel that way. How can you solve this problem?"
3. In the worst cases, avoid response
Go away, hang up the phone, put your headphones on and listen to music instead. If the person is calling you names or uses accusations against you, and you're not listening, it will have no effect. If you're consistently ignoring the person and making something better of your time than to listen and join in the fight, he/she will realise that there´s no point, since there's no “receiver”. The person gets no attention to his/her behavior. It is useless.
Go away, hang up the phone, put your headphones on and listen to music instead. If the person is calling you names or uses accusations against you, and you're not listening, it will have no effect. If you're consistently ignoring the person and making something better of your time than to listen and join in the fight, he/she will realise that there´s no point, since there's no “receiver”. The person gets no attention to his/her behavior. It is useless.
Remember, we need to rehearse these strategies over and over again, often for several months. If a person is used to being able to “trigger” you with attacks and blaming, it'll take some time before they understand that you're not responding to this behaviour any longer. And this'll only work if you're not fighting back. If you do, the strategies will become meaningless.
Try it out and see if you can recognize any change! And be consistent.
If you have any thoughts or questions, please send me a message on my Facebook-page: Carina Bang Author
Take care!
Saturday, June 11, 2016
6 Communication Skills For Parents
One of the number
one concerns of parents is whether their children will use, or are using,
drugs. What if there were something you could do to help prevent drug abuse?
There are good news; research shows that parents play an important role in preventing their children from using drugs. There are different parenting skills that you can use to prevent both initiation and progression of drug use.
There are good news; research shows that parents play an important role in preventing their children from using drugs. There are different parenting skills that you can use to prevent both initiation and progression of drug use.
SO WHAT ARE THESE SKILLS?
1. Communication
Communication skills
help parents stay on top of what is happening in their children’s lives as well
as detect problems early on. You want to stay away from blaming, accusing or
angry outbursts. It’s a good idea to make a plan to deal with the situation within
24 hours, rather than attempt to have a conversation while you’re angry.
2. Encouragement
2. Encouragement
This is truly
integral in order to build confidence, reduce conflict and promote cooperation.
Comparing children to their siblings, taking over when progress is too slow or
reminding children of their past failures should in all cases be avoided.
3. Negotiation
3. Negotiation
Negotiation encourages
problem solving and cooperation. It allows children to learn about focusing on
finding solutions, thinking through possible consequences of their behavior and
creating communication skills.
4. Setting Limits
4. Setting Limits
Limits are important
because they provide guidelines and teach children how important it is to
follow rules. Limits teach children about self-control, responsibility and safe
boundaries.
5. Supervision
5. Supervision
Supervision is integral
for effective parenting because it helps parents with spotting problems and staying
involved. It promotes safety, however, it’s not always feasible to have your
children within your sight. When your kids are away from the home, look at
their schedule, call them, have them check in, surprise them with random calls
or visits and stay in contact with other adults who interact with them.
6. Knowing Your Child’s Friends
6. Knowing Your Child’s Friends
The
uncertainty of the children´s self-image, how they “fit in” and the need to
please and impress their friends can leave them vulnerable to peer pressure.
It’s important to stay in communication with their friends and parents, observe
who they hang out with, discuss sex and drugs (so they’re not getting the info
from unreliable sources) and talk to them when a concern comes up.
It’s important to be someone that your child can come to with their triumphs,
problems and concerns. Be their sounding board, cheerleader and number one
defender and advocate. There are going to be stumbles and falls along the way,
but remember that we’re striving for them to have happy, healthy, and
productive lives and that all experience—good and bad—teaches us important life
lessons.
Do you want to
read more?
Monday, June 6, 2016
Walk into the Open Door
When
one door closes, another door opens, but we so often look so long and so
regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for
us.”
– Alexander Graham Bell –
Sometimes it is time to give up on
something that may not be working for you. It's important to assess the time
and effort you have sacrificed and compare them to the results you have gotten.
Life is short, and you don't have time and just wait. It can be hard to break
away from things that are not working out.
Perhaps you made a bad decision some years
ago. At the time, you may not have seen it that way, but as time moved on, it
became evident that your decision was not a very wise one. It is okay to make
an honest assessment of your life. Sometimes it is important that you break the
ties that bind you to bad past decisions and start a new.
These decisions could have involved
business, people, friends, habits, and the list continues. Rather than to
continue to struggle and fight for something that will never win, loosen your
grip and let it go. So many people have a hard time letting go because they
either do not want to accept failure, or it could be a situation where old
habits die hard. Accept the fact that it is time to close the door.
You see, when one door closes, another one
opens. We don't want to waste time looking and longing for a door that will
inevitably close anyway. As we close the door of the past, there will be
glorious open doors awaiting you. But you can't walk through a closed and open
door at one time. So, walk forward and be free.
Just because you made a bad decision does
not mean you must continue to live by it. Always remember, if your fist is closed
holding on to what you have, you cannot open it up to accept new opportunities
and blessing!
Subscribe to:
Posts
(
Atom
)