Inspiring book for relatives!

Once again I would like to recommend one of my favorite books on the subject. Written by authors Robert J. Meyers and Brenda L. Wolf, the book Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading and Threatening focuses on helping relatives to people with an alcohol- or drug addiction. The goal is to improve the relatives current life situation and to guide their loved ones into treatment. 

This is an inspiring and encouraging book which builds on the successful and evidence-based treatment program CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training), founded by Robert J.Meyers.

Robert J.Meyers is a Research Associate Professor in Psychology at the University of New Mexico's Center on Alcoholism, Substance Abuse and Addiction. He has dedicated many years developing ways to help relatives to people suffering from alcohol- or drug abuse.  Meyers has traveled world wide in order to help people suffering from the consequences of addiction. 

Read more about CRAFT and Robert J.Meyers here.

I highly recommend Getting Your Loved one Sober to all the relatives who feel as they can't find a way to help themselves or their loved ones!

Buy or read more about Get Your Loved One Sober here. 

Take care!  

Do you want to help?

I want to thank all the wonderful readers of my blog!

I really hope that my intentions of the blog have reached those who follow it.

I have a lot of hopes that my blog will help as many as possible. My goal is that important information will be spread and that relatives to people with alcohol- or drug addiction will find comfort, inspiration, courage and support. 

If you're able to help me spreading my blog, I would be thankful with all my heart! This is what you can do: 

1) Help me share the blog through social networks such as Facebook, Twitter, forums etc.

2) Maybe you have an own blog with readers who might need help or support? Maybe you have a similar blog or homepage? Feel free to contact me, maybe I can help you spread your blog as well to people who need it!

3) Be a guest writer! Tell your own story, either about being a relative to a person suffering from addiction, or about your own thoughts on the subject. Send me an e-mail at info@carinabang.se with your story. The post shouldn't be to long and contain thoughts/insights/experiences in order to help other people reading the blog. Note. If you send me a post, I reserve the rights to shorten and edit it. 


And again, a big thanks to all my readers! :)
/Carina

Positive vs. Negative Feedback

Many people are unhappy because his/her boss or partner or other people "never" give them any positive feedback. Most people feel bad about this and begin to wonder whether they only do things that are wrong, or if they're not good enough. It's obviously disappointing not getting confirmation either at work or in private life. Affirmation and recognition would really turn a boring day into a fun day!   

However, the question is, how often do we give ourselves positive feedback? See our own strengths? Acknowledge our own achievements? You don't need to talk about it out loud if you don't want to. You can think about it, or best of all, write it down.  

The truth is that most of us are not very good at giving ourselves positive feedback. However, we are very good at giving ourselves negative criticism. There is a saying that for every negative critical comment we need ten positive comments to outweigh the negative.

It is as if we got a nagging parrot sitting on our shoulder, constantly pestering us. 

"I can never manage that", "I'm so stupid, how could I do that?", "Who do I think I am, that's not my thing," "he/she will never like someone like me".

Our negative criticism towards ourselves can easily become self-fulfilling. If you constantly believe that you can't achieve anything, it may sad enough become true. 

If you feel as you've got a negative parrot on your shoulder and if you feel as you've not yet begun to see and articulate your own strengths, start doing it now! Please write down your achievements every day: what you've done / said / felt / thought / handled / fixed during the day that you're proud of/ happy with. At the end of the week, read what you've written and recognize all your strengths! This is a feel-good exercise that will hopefully help you. Allow yourself to flourish! :)

Do you know someone else who needs to think more positive thoughts about themselves? Share a comment below! 

Have a great day!

To check every day

How are you feeling today?
How does your body and mind feel?
What can you do today, in order to satisfy your needs?
Is there any steps that you can take today, in order to satisfy your needs tomorrow? 

Take care!

To break free

The fluctuation between heat and cold and love and aggression is very common in a relationship involving mental or physical abuse. The alternation of intoxication, denial, irritation and blaming their relatives, and then feeling regret, apologizing and making amends is very common among addicts. This "storm" of emotions may result in that you as a relative, along with hopes that everything will soon be well, often feel like it's hard getting out of the relationship.

Below are some examples of emotions involved in such a relationship, often resulting in a situation where you're "stuck": 

Love 
You love your partner, and you're also aware of all his/her positive sides.  
 
Fear
Fear of being alone. Fear that the person will not survive if you leave him/ her. Fear that he/she will find someone else instead. Fear of not being able to cope financially. Fear of being subjected to threats, aggression or violence for leaving.

Hate
Hatred may surprisingly also be a band connecting people. You may become fixed on the person who is the object of hatred. This may lead to a great difficulty letting go. 

Compassion
You may find it hard understanding how a person you love can be so mean. Then you might try finding answers, for example, that the person had a difficult childhood, a life crisis, is unemployed and so on. These "answers" allows you to overlook behaviors that you probably would not have accepted in a relationship with other friends/family.

Guilt
This is a strong feeling. As a relative to a person with an addiction you may feel a great responsibility for the welfare of others in the family. Maybe you often put the need of others before your own. The person with an addiction might even blame their relatives (ex. "If you weren't so angry, I wouldn't have to drink"). 

Hope
Maybe you're trying to remember what was so nice and amazing when you first started dating the person. The abuser might be remorseful, promising that it will not happen again. And the relatives really want to believe. One might convulsively cling on to hopes and promises.  

The desire to understand
You want to understand why. To understand why the person always breakes his/her promises or becomes aggressive and mean. And again, you begin trying to find answers. Maybe you're trying to come up with a plan for how you can change or improve your relationship.

From the book "Hur går hon? Om att stödja misshandlade kvinnors uppbrottsprocesser" (Transl. Why does she leave? About supporting the break-up processes of battered women) by Viveca Enander and Carin Holmberg.


It may be a good idea to seek help if you recognize yourself in this description. You're not alone and there are people who understand you and can help you! 

Food for thought

Mindfulness. FOR YOU.

Mindfulness is about accepting yourself, your body and your emotions. It's about recognizing your inner self. Remember, nothing you do, feel or think about in mindfulness is in any way wrong. Instead, it's about knowing that there is no right or wrong. This is a short exercise you might try at home, and a couple of things you can have in mind while doing it. If you want to do it, that is. Only you can decide.

1. Start with five minutes. 
Or more. Or less. It's all up to you. Maybe you can do it for 10 minutes the next day. Or 30. Or 60. Remember, you decide. We all work differently. 

   
2. Try and go to a space where it's quiet and you're all alone.
Lay down on your back and close your eyes. Some people like to lay flat on the ground. Some people want a pillow. Some people want it some other way. You decide.  

When you lay down, be proud that you took the time and that you came this far. 


3.  Try and feel every sense of your BODY. 
No feelings are wrong!

Maybe you can start with your toes. Or your head.
How do your toes feel like?
Tense? Relaxed? Warm? Cold?  
Okay. That's fine. 
Move your mind to your legs.
How do they feel? 
Your midriff? Stomach? Chest? Arms? Hands? Neck? Head? Ears?

How does the parts of your body feel against the surface of the floor?
How does the floor feel?

If you can, don't try and analyze the feelings. Accept that they are there.
"My nose is freezing. It's there and I feel it. It's okay".  

Do you feel any pain in your body?
If you do, recognize, accept it and move on to another part of your body.
"My back hurts. It feels tense. It's there and I feel it. It's okay".   

Be proud over yourself for all the feelings you recognize!


4. Try and feel every sense of your EMOTIONS.
Do you feel sad? Anxious? Angry? Hurt? Distressed? Happy? Calm?
No feelings are wrong!

Accept that they are there, move your mind to another part of your body, soul or surroundings.
"I feel very sad and hopeless. Nothing is worth doing. But it's okay. The feeling is inside me and I except it for being one of my feelings".

Be proud over yourself for all the feelings you recognize!


4. Take a short time to think about your SURROUNDING.
What do you hear? 
"Children scream in the yard. The neighbor's vacuuming. My son is playing music. It's okay. The sound is there and i recognize it and accept it for being a sound in my surrounding".   

What can you smell? 
Is it light or dark? 
Is the floor cold? 
Is the air hot? 
Something else?

Feel it, try and not think about it too much. Recognize, accept, and move to another part of your mind, soul, body.  

Once again, be proud over yourself for all the feelings you recognize! 


5.  Take a short time to think about your BREATHING. 
Remember: No type of breathing is wrong or right!

You only need to notice what it feels like. 
How does the air feel going into your nostrils? 
Cold? Warm? Stinking? 
How does it feel going into your lungs and your stomach? 
When it comes out again?

This is something you can do for a while, just breathing and recognizing it. 

You can take a long, deep breath if you want to. How does it feel? 



NOTE for all the exercises: 
If you have a hard time letting the feelings go, accept this as well.




This is all you need to do. Never judge yourself for any of your feelings, thoughts or emotions, because they're a part of you and you should be proud that you recognize them. 

NOTE: Maybe you'll experience a strong and aching feeling in the beginning. A feeling of sadness, anger, anxiety or emptiness. Or all of these. Or maybe you feel free and happy and calm. Everyone responds differently. However you feel, have in mind that these strong emotions usually disappear after a while, either after a couple of minutes, or a couple of exercises, or a couple of weeks. Or month. And if they don't, you're not doing it wrong, instead, you may carry so much sadness that it may be hard to handle by your own. Maybe you need to find someone to talk to, maybe you need more help. Seeking help doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong. Or, mindfulness is just not the right way to go for you. 


Even if you give up at once, be proud that you took the time to try! :) 

Emotional dependence

Do you feel as if your own well being is highly connected to your loved ones well being? 

Does your mood change when his/her mood changes? 

If he/she is happy a particular day, are you happy then as well? 

And if he/she feel anxious or depressed a particular day, do you feel anxious and  depressed as well? 

If you don't know how he/she feels a particular day, are you then unsure of your own feelings?

If you answered yes to these questions, you're not alone, and you're not going crazy. Adapting and being influenced by your loved ones shifting emotions is a common trait to relative to a person suffering from addiction, and it might make you feel exhausted and confused. Go to a quiet space, lay down, close your eyes. Try and feel what it feels like. What does your body feel like? Your surrounding? What do YOU feel? 

"Happiness is nowhere to be found, if I can't find it in myself"

Edvard Grieg

The Need for Control

It's common to feel a need for control as a relative to a person with an addiction. Maybe you feel that being in control might help you change the other person. However, this behavior may lead to an addiction of your own; an addiction of being in control all the time. An example of this is that feelings of extreme anxiety (shortness of breath, your heart beats faster, exhaustion, panic and so on) may occur at times when you feel as if you've lost your control over something. These feelings of anxiety disappear when you feel as you've gain the control again, but this is only temporary and for the moment; the anxiety may quickly rise again, leading to a vicious circle. 

Do you recognize yourself in this behavior? It's very common and you're not alone.

Read the following questions and feel free to write down some of your answers as a comment below! This might help others being in the same situation :) 



QUESTIONS ABOUT CONTROL

• In what kind of ways do you try and control your loved ones drug/alcohol intake? (ex. "I hide his/her drugs/alcohol". "I give him/her an ultimatum". "I set up "rules" that may prevent drug/alcohol intake". "I sit home at night waiting for my loved one only to confront him/her and ask what he/she has been up to" etc.).

• What is your goal with gaining control? (ex. "By throwing away drugs he/she doesn't have access to them". "I think that my ultimatum will work if he/she loves me". "I want to know everything that he/she's been doing because [...]". etc).

• What do you think would happen if you let go of the control? Would your/your loved ones situation be any different?  (ex. "I would have time to hang out with my friends instead of sitting home waiting for him/her". "The situation of my loved one would actually not be any different". etc.).

• What type of of control-"behavior" would be easiest for you to let go of first of all? (ex. "sit home waiting at night" etc.)

Good luck! :) /Carina 

Adapting vs. Putting up boundaries

Being a relative to a person suffering from addiction may result in an extreme and exaggerated adaption/toleration/adjustment of another person's lifestyle or behaviors. You may find it hard expressing your own needs or putting up clear boundaries.

Please view the following questions if you feel that this way of "adapting" may reply to you. Feel free to write down your answers on a piece of paper.

• What are the short-term consequences of adapting? ex. "I make the other person happy". "There's no need for conflict" 
  
• What are the long-term consequences of adapting? ex. "I feel used". "I don't consider my own health".
  
• What may the negative consequences of putting up boundaries be? ex. "It might start a conlict". "I might disappoint someone". "I would feel guilty". 
  
• What may the positive consequences of putting up boundaries? ex. "I would respect my self more". "I would see to my own needs". "I would be able to rest when I wanted to".
   
• Can you think of a situation when you might adjust yourself even if you don't want to? ex. "When I'm exhausted and someone asks for help". "When i need to clean up someone else's mess".
  
• When these kinds of situations occur, what could you say in order to see to your own needs? ex. "I'm sorry, I can't do that today. I could get back to you at a more suitable time". "I'm sorry, I can't fix this for you. Have you thought of any possibly solutions yourself?"

• What would it mean to you if you were able to put up clear boundaries?

• What would be the first step in clarifying your boundaries? When facing yourself and facing others?