Be your own best friend!

Are you always giving to others but when you are in need, no one is to be found? Do you often find yourself stuck in a situation and are doing things that you do not really want to do? Sometimes you may neglect yourself constantly in favor of others needs. Do you feel like your life is no longer even on the priority list?

It's time to take inventory.  There is nothing wrong with taking out much needed time for you. Shut off your cell phone for a while, and take a mini vacation. Make yourself unavailable and stick to it. Take out "me" time and schedule it regularly. The earth will not stop spinning while you are away.

Line up some interesting or fun activities and go on a short distance road trip. Meet new friends. Treat yourself to a spa treatment inclusive of a massage. Go out and eat your favorite extravagant meal and treat yourself to that big ice cream cone that you never seem to have time for. Buy a new outfit and get a new hair cut. Attend that concert that is coming to town or take a short cruise. Sometimes, all it takes is to shake up the schedule a little to change the course and direction of your life.

Who are you guaranteed to live with every second, minute, day, week, month and year for the rest of your life? Yourself, of course!

Treat yourself like your own best friend!

Ground breaking meditation app!

Is your life filled with stress, anxiety or worries? Or do you just need to relax from time to time?  

I can HIGHLY recommend a meditation app called Headspace! It includes hundreds of hours of simple meditation lessons, such as mindfulness, and has definitely made my daily life easier in many ways. 

Meditation has proven to relieve stress and improve sleep, focus and self awareness. Try it our for 10 minutes and see how it feels :) 

You can download the app in your app store, just search for Headspace, or check it out here.

Stay calm and take care! 

Addiction, shame and stigma

Over 20 million people are struggling with drug- or alcohol problems, but only about 2 million of them receive treatment. Why? 

One of the reasons has to do with our view of the person with an addiction. Many people put labels on the person; he/she has a bad character and ought to straighten up. This label is also transmitted onto the families; “what kind of family let this happen?” Relatives are often questioned by outsiders, like friends, colleagues or neighbors. These “third parties” may also have a variety of advices for the families, for example: "Make sure he obtains a hobby in order to be detached from the alcohol/drugs!" Yes, if only it were that easy to make someone recover from an illness. The stigma of addiction prevents so many people from seeking help, just because of the fear of being labeled by others!

Addiction is defined by the American Society of Addiction Medicine as a "primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory, and related circuitry." Addiction changes the structure of the brain and its ability to function. Despite this, many people still look at alcohol and drug addiction as a moral dilemma.

Karen is 62 years old and the mother of the now sober 39-year-old Marcus. He's been clean for many years, but it's not until now that she've begun to talk about what she experienced during the time of his addiction. She was always afraid of what others would think of her. It made her quiet and she suffered a lot more than she had to. For there is help to be given out there.

Denial, blame, anger and bitterness are all common attributes in families that are affected by the disease of addiction. It is often uncomfortable for families to talk to their friends and/or relatives about the problem, and they are often afraid to seek support. But talking about it is very important when it comes to their own well-being, provided that they get the opportunity to talk to non-judgmental people. If a person is judged during the conversation, there's a risk that he/she feels even more shame and therefore gets even more isolated.

Karen felt, like so many others, a strong shame in talking about her sons addiction with others, especially with all the rumors going on about him. She thought that they would judge her as being a bad mother, and it happened many times that she defended him in front of others or denied that he had a problem. This further strengthens her isolation and the feeling that no one understood; she was alone to live in a situation like this.

People form opinions based on the information that they have on hand. If we don't educate people about the nature of addiction, what causes it and research in order to find better treatments, nothing is ever going to change. No one will benefit on clinging on to old stigmas and rigid beliefs. If these beliefs are maintained, it'll take longer time for people suffering from addiction to seek help, or they may not even get to that point, and in the worst cases, they will die due to the disease. And many close relatives, like Karen, will always be afraid to seek support for their own sake, although there's millions of people around them who are suffering, just like them.

Do you have any questions or thoughts on the subject? Or anything else you want to talk about? Please write a comment below, or contact me at: info@carinabang.se

TAKE CARE!

/Carina

Source:

www.drugfree.org:

http://www.drugfree.org/new-data-show-millions-of-americans-with-alcohol-and-drug-addiction-could-benefit-from-health-care-r/

www.asam.org

Have you read the self-help manual?

Have you read "Self-help manual for relatives to substance abusers"?
It would be fantastic to hear your thoughts about it! Please give a review at Amazon!  It'll help other relatives too! 

Click here to leave a Review! 

Here is some reviews about the Self-help manual:

5.0 out of 5 stars A must for anyone who has a substance abuser in their lives
I found Carina Bang’s book by chance and I am glad that I did. It was a game-changer for me. As if it opened a door within me, it was an AHA moment. It contains simple and powerful exercises, you must answer questions like what you want to change in your life. I knew what I wanted to change. I wanted to feel safe and secure. I wanted to live without fear, without threats from my alcoholic father. I could not make my mother divorce him, but I could change *my* approach.
 
5.0 out of 5 starsFive Stars
Great book. Easy and quick to read. Exercises are helpful. I certainly recommend it.

5.0 out of 5 starsFive stars for this manual! 
I can really and truly recommend this manual, I think it'll be helpful for every person being a relative/friend/spouse to someone suffering from alcohol- or drug abuse. Both when it comes to helping the person, but also helping oneself... I think that was the most rewarding part by reading it!  

5.0 out of 5 starsVery thoughtful guide.   
This manual presents information in a way that really makes one think and consider how one approaches life. Very helpful in dealing with someone who has a problem with substances and how to cope and actually grow in ways that I would not have imagined possible with the use of a book. Thanks!
  
5.0 out of 5 starsBrilliant, highly recommend this book!
Highly recommend this book if you live with anyone who suffers from substance abuse but also perhaps if you live with people with mental illness or disabilities. Many books address the needs of the patient, very few books address the need of the carers. This book does so brilliantly. Carina says .. liberate self from what we cannot control .. give self the freedom to live, grow and enjoy life .. care about and love people ... but not at our own expense.
It is a workbook and little by little, step by step it will help you to regain and enjoy your life, even as a relative of a substance abuser

How can I help you?

Dear readers, 

I'm really curious about how I can help you in the best way possible!

Feel free to send me an e-mail with any questions, thoughts or concerns you may have! Maybe there's something you would like me to talk about here on the blog?

I would really like your answer on the question: 

What's your no.1 struggle that you might need help with, when it comes to being a relative/friend/family member to a person with substance abuse?

  

It would make me really happy to hear from you!

Send the e-mail to: 
info@carinabang.se

The 6 family roles in a home with addiction

An article in the community Pro Talk (rehabs.com) brings up the subject of the different "roles" inside a family where an addiction is present. These roles can shift amongst the family members, and they evolve as a type of coping mechanism in order to protect the person suffering from substance abuse as well as the family balance. Maintaining these roles may lead to the person being able to continue with their abuse.  

Do you recognize yourself or some other member of your family in one or several of these roles?

The 6 family roles

1. The Enabler
A person who is constantly trying to "save" and protect the person with an addiction. This may include paying the persons' bills, making food, cleaning up, helping the person in keeping his/her job/education by talking to the boss/school etc. The enabler act by suppressing feelings such as fear, anger or shame.

2. The Hero
An overachieving person who's striving for perfectionism both inside and outside the household. The person takes on huge responsibilities as he/she is constantly trying to help the other, sober family members (cleaning, making dinner, comforting etc.), and in the same needs to be the "best" in other areas (school, work etc). This role is hard to maintain and usually results in a breakdown. 

3. The Scapegoat

This is usually the child in the family, who's deflecting the chaotic home environment in acting out in various negative/not accepted ways, such as skipping school, getting into fights, having trouble with the law etc. These behaviors usually come from great feelings of anger.

4. The Mascot

This is another role a child in the family may take on. Instead of breaking rules, this person uses comedy and good behavior in order to keep up a balanced family environment and pleasing the other family members.

5. The Lost Child

An almost apathetic role; this child is withdraw and isolated. He/she may lack social skills and is almost always alone. This is a way to protect and disconnect her/himself from the destructive home environment.

6. The Addict

The addict may, as well as the other family members, take on different roles and shift his/her behavior. The roles from the family members often affects how the person with addiction acts. Deep down he/she may feel great remorse and shame, which increases when he/she feels pressured by the family members. The shame often turns into anger or aggression.

Why is it important to be aware of the family roles?

Taking notice and recognizing the different roles one may take on as a family member may result in a willingness and opportunity to change them. We may often act in a certain way, without knowing why. Since the roles are coping mechanisms in order to protect one self and the family from the addiction, they often hurt us more than help us. 

What's more important is recognizing the roles the children in a home with addiction may take on. The role will create various behavioral patterns that will shape the whole identity of the person when growing up into adulthood, affecting his/her own relationships and well-being! 

Research shows that family therapy might be very helpful. As a parent it might be hard knowing what to do, especially when the parent him/herself is affected by the spouses' addiction. One suggestion is meeting a psychiatrist by yourself. Talking about your own behavior and feelings when it comes to your relationship with the person suffering from addiction may help you recognizing and breaking down the role you've taken on, as well as being able to help other family members. 

Remember: you are not the role you play, and it's never to late to change it!

Read the whole article here

Take Care!
/Carina

What motivates people? And what doesn't? - 3 components in motivation!

We often wonder why a person who's suffering from an addiction doesn't just quit, when it's so obvious that the addiction is destroying one area after another in the persons life. Why doesn't the person see all the thing he/she may gain from getting clean? 

 

On the other hand, I have thought about the same thing when it comes to myself, probably like a 1 000 times. Why don't I exercise 3 times/week, when I know how good it'll do me? When I know how tired I get and how much my body hurts when I'm sitting still all day? Knowing these facts, I'm staying exactly where I've always been, maybe making some sporadic attempts to exercise, but any little thing that comes up turns into an excuses not to do it. "Not today... I'll do it tomorrow...".

I'm going to show you a model that may be helpful in understanding some of the concept of motivation. This comes from MI - Motivational Interviewing.

3 COMPONENTS IN MOTIVATION:

1) Will

How important is it to the person to change his/her behavior?

2) Being Able 

 How confident is the person in his/her own ability to make a change?

 
3) Being Ready

 How prepared is the person to actually begin taking the steps necessary to make this change?

The absolute dream scenario is that the person feels as he/she is "ready" in all these areas, that all the components are "high". This increases the probability that change is near. However, this is usually not the case. 

In one scenario, the "Will" is strong, but "Being able" is low. The person knows that making a change is extremely important, but doesn't have the ability to do so. The person envisions a failure. In this situation, the person might feel torn apart. Maybe he/she has tried several times before, but it hasn't worked. This means that the person will not be particularly "Ready" to get started trying again.
 
In the other scenario, the "Will" is low. The person doesn't think his/her behavior is a problem; there is no reason to make a change if it's not needed. Other people might notice a lot of obvious problems arising from the behavior, but the person him/herself thinks that his/her situation is fine as it is. The person might be confident ("Being able") that she/he can make a change if he/she only wants to. But he/she doesn't. This means that the person isn't particularly "Ready" to change.


Do you recognize yourself? Regarding any change you wanted to do in life, or changes that other people think you ought to do? Or do you recognize any person that you know, who's suffering from substance abuse, in this model? Grab a pen and write it down! It'll help you organize your thoughts and feelings! 

It can also be a reminder when you feel hopeless in understanding why your loved one suffering from an addiction doesn't "just quit". 

Take care!
/Carina 

Please, help other family members!

Have you read "Self-help manual for relatives to substance abusers"?
It would be fantastic to hear your thoughts about it! Please give a review at Amazon! It'll help other relatives too! 
  Click here to leave a Review!

Here is some reviews about the Self-hel manual:

5.0 out of 5 stars A must for anyone who has a substance abuser in their lives

I found Carina Bang’s book by chance and I am glad that I did. It was a game-changer for me. As if it opened a door within me, it was an AHA moment. It contains simple and powerful exercises, you must answer questions like what you want to change in your life. I knew what I wanted to change. I wanted to feel safe and secure. I wanted to live without fear, without threats from my alcoholic father. I could not make my mother divorce him, but I could change *my* approach.

   

5.0 out of 5 starsFive Stars

Great book. Easy and quick to read. Exercises are helpful. I certainly recommend it.

5.0 out of 5 starsFive stars for this manual!       

I can really and truly recommend this manual, I think it'll be helpful for every person being a relative/friend/spouse to someone suffering from alcohol- or drug abuse. Both when it comes to helping the person, but also helping oneself... I think that was the most rewarding part by reading it!

  

5.0 out of 5 starsVery thoughtful guide.       

This manual presents information in a way that really makes one think and consider how one approaches life. Very helpful in dealing with someone who has a problem with substances and how to cope and actually grow in ways that I would not have imagined possible with the use of a book. Thanks!

  

5.0 out of 5 starsBrilliant, highly recommend this book!

Highly recommend this book if you live with anyone who suffers from substance abuse but also perhaps if you live with people with mental illness or disabilities. Many books address the needs of the patient, very few books address the need of the carers. This book does so brilliantly. Carina says .. liberate self from what we cannot control .. give self the freedom to live, grow and enjoy life .. care about and love people ... but not at our own expense.
It is a workbook and little by little, step by step it will help you to regain and enjoy your life, even as a relative of a substance abuser

Does a person have to "hit rock bottom" to change?

Have you also heard the expression that a person with a substance abuse have to "hit rock bottom"? That the person must do so in order to change his/her behavior?
 
This is most likely not the case.

Research shows that the earlier you discover indications that a person may have fallen into an addiction, and try helping him/her (or that the person tries helping him/herself), the easier and faster it is to recover. Maybe you can prevent the person from getting fired, dropping out of school or losing close relationships.  
 

Maybe this will help:

1. Don't wait for the person to ask for help. If he/she would do so, it's great! But try suggesting that the person should seek help as soon as the problem arises.

2. Dealing with the problem in an early stage can result in a situation where you as a relative won't have to suffer the consequences of the persons addiction. As long as your close one denies that there is a problem, it is likely that the problem will persist.

3. First of all, start with helping yourself! If you feel emotionally unstable, try dealing with it. If you feel physically ill, you'll never be able to help your loved one. Prioritize your own mental and physical health!

4. Get in touch with a professional counselor in order to get help with your own emotional state, or with how to act when approaching your close one! 

Take care! 
/Carina