Merry Christmas!

I wish you all a wonderful Christmas with lots of happiness and joy!

 

I hope that you may find a time for peace, even if things might be hard sometimes. Try to think of things that matter in your life, be with them who you love and those who makes you happy!

Best Wishes,
Carina 

Movie suggestion!

The Fighter (2010)
Biografi/Drama/Sport

The Fighter is based on a true story and depicts the life of "Irish" Micky Ward (Mark Wahlberg) as a boxer during the 1980s. Ward hires his drug addicted brother as a manager in order to reach the top.

The Fighter shows how an addiction may influence and destroy even the closest family bonds. It also shows how hard it may be to break free from ones family and choose an own path, to dare follow ones own decisions and free will.

Christian Bale is totally brilliant in the role of the abusing brother, who is ready to do everything in order to help his brother, constantly with the drugs in his way.

Consequences from constant stress

Maybe you think that you're about to loose your mind? You think about strange things, you do strange and confusing stuff. You can't concentrate on simple tasks. Do you recognize yourself in this behavior? 

If you do it's not surprising, if you're close to someone with alcohol- or drug addiction. As relatives we live with constant fear and stress. The feeling of stress comes from signals in your body that releases when you experience fear, and these signals are totally natural. Temporary stress, which occurs for instant when facing an acute and sudden threat, is a "healthy" kind of stress, since it may save us from danger.

However, relatives to people with alcohol- or drug addiction doesn't live with temporary stress, but with a constant feeling of danger, which may last for several years. This is when stress becomes dangerous. We're always on our guard. Our body and brain doesn't have the time to recover if we're constantly experience this feeling of fear.  

The constant stress may lead to us becoming confused, forgetful, unconcentrated and/or unlogical. We may even become limited in our cognitive abilities, which makes it hard for us to perceive and interpret the information around us.

If you recognize yourself in this type of behavior, you're not going crazy! But you probably need help in order to affect your body and your mind, and to calm yourself down.
 

Seek help! You're not alone! Talk to someone you trust. Contact support teams. Yoga or mindfulness may help. You need to find your own way! Consequences

Take care! 

Christmas & New Years Eve Help

A lot of people are looking forward to Christmas and New years eve. However, for many relatives to people with drug- or alcohol problems, these holidays may be very rough. Instead of peace, calmness and rest, the family may go through disappointment, anxiety or quarrels. 

Are you afraid that the upcoming holiday will be destroyed because of excessive drinking? Think about the following questions and suggestions to see if your answers might help you a little bit on the way. 

Questions and examples: 

• Are you able to celebrate Christmas somewhere else? If possible, be ready with a back-up plan if something were to go wrong.  

• What can you do if you can't handle the situation, but don't have anywhere else to go? Take a walk? Be with a pet whom gives you happiness? Talk to someone? Something else? 

• Think about who you can call if something were to go wrong/if you're sad. 

• Talk to the person with the addiction in advance. Tell him/her what you want the upcoming Christmas/New years eve to look like, what you're expecting. A suggestion might be to tell him/her what you/you and the rest of your family will do if things would go out of hand with the alcohol/drugs. (Important!: Don't give any ultimatum if you can't maintain them when the situation comes up!)

• If the person becomes aggressive, leave him/her be! Avoid any type of argumentation. Leave the house as soon as possible by yourself/with the rest of your family and call someone you trust, or the police, depending on the situation.

•  If possible, leave the person for a while and do something else by yourself/with the rest of your family. Something that brings you harmony and joy.  

If you have any experiences of these types of problems or if you have any advise that might help other relatives to people with alcohol- or drug addiction, please write a comment! This may help people in similar situations! 

Remember: it is not your fault!

Take care!

Guilt & Shame

Guilt and shame are natural feelings. However, when these feelings become excessive, one's self-image may become distorted. A relative to a person with an alcohol- or drug addiction is usually highly familiar to this type of guilt and shame. 

Shame afflicts one's self-respect and is connected to one's sense of existence and worth. 
Guilt is connected to the actions we may take.

As a relative we may try to hold up the facade of "normality". We think "what would my friends think of me?", "what will they say at work?", "what would the teachers of my children think?". The feeling of shame is strong - way stronger than our constructive thoughts. We might feel shame for not being able to do something, shame over our behavior and for being controlling, or shame for putting our children through misery.

The psychologist, therapist and author Marta Cullberg Weston writes in her book ”Från skam till självrespekt” (trans.: From shame to self-respect), how the shame and guilt we feel for bringing up our children in an unsafe environment is the hardest one, since children often don't speak of the problem, or have a hard time understanding and defining it.

Cullberg Weston writes about the difference between the temporary and the chronic shame. The temporary shame is connected to a single event or a specific situation, and might emerge when we've done a big mistake. Or for example when our spouse is very drunk and noisy at a dinner party with your good friends. Maybe we'll blush and feel "violated in our soul".
The chronic shame, however, is much more harmful and stem from one's self-image. This shame may make the person feel useless, not good enough and not worth loving. The background for chronic shame lies in the human need to be loved and accepted. As a baby we search for our mothers eyes in order to reassure that we are not alone, and in order to ensure our own survival.

We need to recognize our shame in order to face it. We need to face all the suppressed feelings we may have; guilt, anger, fear, sorrow and so on. One may easily become emotionally stuck in a relationship with an alcohol- or drug abuser. By recognizing these feelings we may start the process of becoming aware of how we want our lives to look like, and what to do in order to get there. Maybe we realize that the only thing we can do is to leave the relationship. A parent often find strength in their children; the thought of saving them becomes their driving force. The best way of getting rid of the shame and guilt is to focus only on the things you are able to influence, too look at yourself from outside and to clearly recognize your thoughts and feelings.


Do you feel guilt or shame even though you're not sure where these feelings come from? Think about the following questions:

"I don't want people to think that I am..."
"I don't want to be seen as a..."
"I think I would die if people recognized that I..."
"I can't bare the thought of people thinking of me like a..."

Face your shame instead of running away from it!
Recognize the problem and talk about it! You're worth it :)

The Addictive Personality

As a relative we might have a hard time understanding how easily some people may change from one state to another. Maybe the person say or do things that we don't recognize. A persons whole personality may one day be of a different from before. It may be that the person has developed an addictive personality. This personality may be different, unrecognizable and even dangerous to us as relatives.

Craig Nakken writes in his book The Addictive Personality: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior (1996) how an addictive personality may come into existence. 

An addictive personality develops through a process. First, the abuser becomes dependent on the addictive process, wherein he/she searches for satisfaction. After this, the person develops a relationship to the drug and starts to build up a defense system in order to protect the drug from any kind of attack from the people in his/her environment.

Nakken describes how drug abuse is like an emotional relationship, and how the abuser tries to satisfy his/her need for intimacy through this relationship. To be dependent is not a logical state, but an emotional one. Being a relative outside this relationship we may try to understand how the logic works, but since there is no logic we will never understand, and instead we will become frustrated and disappointed. The abuser often view outsiders as objects; objects who either facilitate or threat their relationship with the drug.

If you want to know more about the addictive personality and the addictive process I strongly recommend reading the book! I found it very educating. 

 

Will you love me if I suffer for you?

That is the title of one of the chapters in Robin Norwoods' book Women who love too much (2001).

Is being loved the same thing as being needed?
"She/he needs me, then I must be loved"

The sacrifices for being loved might become endless. 
What if this view of love is a misinterpretation?

People who have grown up in dysfunctional families often think that "if I suffer, then it must be true love. If it's painful and if it hurts a lot, then I love". But is this true? Is it really love, or is it a misinterpretation, actually coming from pain? A pain that originates in early childhood. If a child connects suffering and pain to love, then it is very easy to pick up these feelings and this pattern when becoming an adult. The person will constantly end up in relationships where him/her will feel pain and hurt.

What if love is not the same as suffering, pain and betrayal? What if it is really about respect, trust and enjoying each others company?

Think about love; how you want to love and how you want to be loved.

Share your experiences!

Relatives to a people with alcohol- and drug abuse addiction are often very reluctant in sharing their experiences and thoughts. However, there are people all around us who suffer from the same daily struggle, who share the same experiences as you do. Take the courage to talk to each other! Do not shut everything inside, sharing will help unloading your burden. By exchanging thoughts, feelings and experiences you will strengthen each other.  

Work together as one, and become stronger!

New strength

It might feel contradictory to imagine that all the sad and painful experiences from living with a drug- and substance abuser actually may be valuable to us. Even if it feels hard, we must realize how the experiences have made us stronger in so many ways, and recognize all the new knowledge we have gain, both of ourselves and other people.

Can you think of any positive qualifications you might have gain from your experiences? 
Here are some examples given from relatives whom I have coached: 

• I've learned to say no. 
• I learned about humility and being non-judgmental.
• I now prioritize my own needs, and I help other seeing when they put aside their needs. 
• I now know that I can take care of myself. I feel much more secure and calm. 

Write down all the strengths that you have developed! 

How does your reality really look like?

A lot of relatives to alcohol- and drugusers often deny how the reality looks like, just like the user denies his/her problem. Instead, the person holds on to dreams and hope. It becomes almost impossible to make healthy and smart decisions for a person who does not except the reality for what it really is, for a person who ignores important facts. 

How does your reality really look like? Grab a piece of paper and a pen, and write it down! 
Here are some questions that might help you on the way: 

• How are you feeling, and how have you been feeling the last six months?
• How many days of the month are affected by the substance abuse? 
• Do you have any personal limits that you have crossed, limits that you never thought you would break?
• If your current situation would go on for two more years, how would you feel after these years?
• Is there anyone else in your presence whom might be affected by the substance abuse? Children understand more than we might think...
• Is there anyone you care about who you have neglected in consequence of the abuse?
• Is there anything you are trying to control, that is really out of your limit?

I hope you have the courage to answer these questions truthfully! It might be painful, but it will give you the opportunity to make more healthy decisions when it comes to your own life and your own well-being!