What do you prioritize?

A common order of priorities if you live with a person with addiction tend to be:

1. First, it's the drug (for the person with substance abuse problems and for the relative to think about/try to control/worry about)

2. Second, the addict themselves (to meet their needs and resolve critical situations).

3. In the best case, the relative him or herself comes in third place (if there is enough time and energy over to take care of his or her own needs).

Recognize these priorities?

In that case, is that how you want to continue to prioritize your life? Or do you want to rearrange the order of priorities?

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Help or aggravate?

Does it help if I protect the addict from the consequences of addiction? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the addict believe he doesn't need to take responsibility for the consequences?

Does it help if I pay drug debts? Or do I instead aggravate the situation by making the person able to buy more drugs for the money?

Does it help if I wipe up the vomit after a drunk night? Or do I aggravate the situation since the drinker then thinks that he can continue to drink and it'll work out anyway?

Does it help if I pay the rent for the person who has been drinking or bought drugs for their money? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the abuser believe he doesn't need to take responsibility for the consequences of using the money for alcohol and drugs?

Does it help if I call in sick for my wife/husband/children if the person is unfit to go to work? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the person believe they don't have to deal with the negative consequences of drinking/drug use?

Does it help if I lie in favor of the abuser? Or do I aggravate the situation once again since he then wouldn't need to see the negative consequences of drug use?

Help or aggravate?
What is helpfull?

 

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Need of control?

What is the need of control? Many close relatives to people suffering from addiction have developed a great need of control. 

Control the other person's mobile phone, eavesdrop on phone calls, make calls and check where the person is, what he does, what state he's in, who he hangs out with, going through the pockets, looking in the bags, looking through the house, go and spy to know where the relative can be and so on...

What function does the need of control fill? I think it may have several causes.

1. Alleviating anxiety. As a relative I build up angst and panic through my anxiety and my thoughts about that my relative may be taking drugs or drinking alcohol. To reduce my own angst, prove my fantasies wrong, I start to control. And hopefully that will confirm that my suspicions were false, and my angst is reduced for the moment.

2. I believe myself able to influence/impede the alcoholic or drug users drug-intake. Through controlling, I'm trying to show that "I know". I try to get the person to think about something else, interrupt substance abusing activity, get hold of the alcohol/drug and throw it away, try in various ways to prevent the person from drinking/taking the drug. I hope/think I have power over the intake, something which I really am powerless over.

3. I do not trust my gut feeling and look for evidence. My gut tells me that my loved one is lying to me, behaves strange, smells odd, speak differently, etc. But I do not believe it. And I dare not say what I suspect, for the risk of my relative only denying it. And I will be lied to again. I try to control and find evidence for that my gut is right (or wrong) so that I can confront. The problem is that the addict can deny anyway. Even if you hold the evidence in your hand.

In 2 years?

If you would live like you do now 2 years longer, how would you feel then? If you have not made ​​any change at all, how would you then feel in 2 years? If you continue like now, where are you in 2 years?

Emotionally?

Physically?

Socially?

Leisure?

Career?

Joy?

Quality of life?

Balance?

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Love = live together?

There is one thing that I keep thinking about: do you really have to live together with a person just because you love him/her?

Often I hear people justify their stay in destructive relationships with the phrase: "But I love him!" and therefore let their limits be moved, let themselves be exposed to the situations that hurt them, allow themselves to live in a relationship where they don't feel good. Because they love someone..

Set your limit!

For families, it is easy to push their limits in favor of the other person that suffers from psychological problems. Little by little we begin to compromise on things that are important to us, things that make us feel good, to instead take care of the person who drinks or takes drugs. He/she can’t take care of himself. We take on more responsibility and heavier burdens for the convenience of the addict. Eventually, we are in a situation where we accept things we never thought we would accept. And also in a situation where we maybe are just extremely tired and worn out, because apart from our own responsibilities we already have, we've also taken on the responsibility of another grown up persons life.

It’s not uncommon that you as a family member also take lots of different roles that are really professional occupations. Perhaps we act as police officers, nurses, psychologists and financial managers. In the end, we can’t take it anymore. Many times the question pops up: How long can I have it like this? When is it enough?

Clear communication

Today I've been thinking about communication. How do you talk and discuss addiction with a person with addiction and substance abuse problems?

After conversations with relatives, I have noticed that many stop to mention alcohol or drugs by their names in their communication with the abuser. It creates ambiguity, misunderstandings and promotes denial from both the addict and the loved one. Perhaps the loved one says, "You seem tired today, I don't want to have dinner with you when you are so tired and sluggish." Instead of clearly saying, "I don’t want to have dinner with you when you have been drinking. I like to eat dinner with you when you're sober." The signal to the addict in the first expression is that he/she seems out of sorts and has to be alert if there shall be any dinner. It does not have anything to do with the alcohol at all.

To dare to express own opinions, thoughts and feelings can help one start to feel better.

All the best to you!

/Carina

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Being brought up in families with alcohol and drug addiction. Survey.

On a forum in Sweden for relatives to substance abusers my collegue Ann-Charlotte Johansson and I  carried out a survey with some interesting results.

Here is a summary, (this was not a scientific survey, but still shows significant signals). 80 people have responded to the survey, mainly women. 44 people of the respondents grew up in a family where one parent or both parents had alcohol or drug problems.

* 44 people say they have grown up with parents with substance abuse including alcohol problems (37 people), alcohol + drug problems (4 people), drugs (1 person), alcohol and medical drugs (2 people).

* 40 of the 44 people say they as children experienced discomfort, fear and threat in situations where parents drank or took other substances. 14 of them responded that they were subjected to violence as a child in connection with the adults' alcohol or drug intake. 25 people say that when they were children they saw others being victims of violence during situations where someone was intoxicated, and that the violence was mostly directed against the mother. In some cases, the violence was also directed against siblings and in 2 cases against the father.

Welcome!

Welcome dear reader!

Today, September 1 2012, I am starting this blog! It will focus on a topic that is very dear to me. The families and relatives affected by someone else´s alcohol or drug problems.

The contents will focus on information, support and self-help exercises for people who live close to someone with an addiction problem.

You can already click to follow this blog and then you will automatically be updated to you from the start! Welcome to join!

See you soon!
/ Carina