How can you use your strengths?

As a relative to a person suffering from addiction you possess many fine qualities and driving froces. How can you turn them to become positive things? Instead of leading you into destructive relationships?

I assume that you who are reading this have experience of being a relative to an addict. Then I also assume that you probably have all or most of these positive strengths:

* Empathy

* Helpfulness

* Want other people to be happy and live according to their full potential

* Insightful regarding people's behavior

* Sees opportunities

* Stubbornness

* Have a high level of confidence in people's ability and skills

* Make up your own strengths here: ......

* ........

* ........

* ........

How can we target these forces within ourselves for the better? Where should they be channeled? How can I use forces in such a way that they lead to positive development, both for myself and others?

How will you use your strengths?

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What can you say no to?

Have you lost your energy and enthusiasm, perhaps because you worry a lot and take responsibility not only for your own life but also for several other people's lives?

What can you say no to?

What do you do in this moment that you really want to say no to?

If you say no to a commitment, can you then say yes to something you'd rather focus on?

In what way can you save more energy in your everyday life?

Tip!

Follow your gut-feeling. Does it say yes or no?

If you are unsure of what you want to do, announce that you will reply, but that you first have to check some things before you can give a straight answer. This gives you time to consider if you want this or if it's something you would prefer to say no to.

Give yourself rest and energy!

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Like putting your hand on the hot stove, over and over again.

It's wondrous how, as a relative, you have a behaviour similar to putting your hand on the hot stove, over and over again. And not learn from the previous result. I look back on the times when I did exactly that. A kind of inner stubbornness that drives you to do the same thing over and over again, without learning what has already been effective or not. Despite all my well-meant efforts to get the other free from the shackles of drugs or alcohol, nothing of what I tried produced any desirable (in my opinion) results, but rather made me end up feeling frustrated about not being listened to and having drained a lot of my energy. Still, I don't quit. Instead, the next time, I do the exact same thing. For instance nagging, begging, prying, trying to talk sens into the other, issuing ultimatums, etc.

This goes against all theories of learning. When you do something, learn from the outcome and do differently next time if the last time's result is not proved positive. There may be various reasons for this obstinacy. It may be the hope that never gives up, that makes me fall into the pattern to try to convince and persuade the other person about how important change is and make me ignore the fact that I already tried this several times over. Another reason may be that I'm stuck in a role. I don't know what I would do if I didn't do just this: nag, beg, try to convince, issue ultimatums. I am stuck in a pattern, even I myself don't believe that my efforts will give any different results next time, but I have no alternative way to handle it.

* Are you stuck in a pattern of your relative's abuse problems, which means you lose lots of energy?

* Do you do something over and over again, even though it remained unsuccessful also in the past?

* What are the consequences for you? (E.g., frustration, fatigue, etc.)

* What can you do differently next time?

* How can you break the pattern and what can you do instead?

* Are you willing to test?

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Make it easy...

Sometimes we who are relatives makes it more complicate than it is. We put a lot of energy and mental challenges on trying to understand the sickness, trying to find logical explanations for what our relatives do under the influence of their illness, alcohol or drug dependency. It could be a waste of time and effort...

Perhaps we also think a lot about what we as a family can do to help the alcoholic or drug addict to make a change. "If we just do this or that ... then maybe he/she will change." We adopt a large responsibility for a problem that is not ours, and that we don’t have power over.

Let go of the control this month!

Challenge of the Month!

Challenge yourself to not always be available to solve someone else's problems. Dare to prioritize yourself! You don't need to be there for everyone at all times. It might sound hard, but for instance, are you being disturbed at night by someone calling you to talk out their problems? You on the other hand, wake up tired in the morning when it's time to go to work? Switch off your phone or have it on the quiet mode during the night. You deserve to sleep at night.

Do you feel like you never have time for your own life? Schedule a few hours/days on your calendar, that are only yours!

Do not change the plan! Switch off your phone and take care of yourself!

Let go of the control and prioritize yourself!

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Self-help manual, For relatives of substance abusers

People who live close to somebody with a substance abuse problem often get caught up in the strong destructive feelings and actions that substance abuse involves. It causes worry, stress and anxiety. The self-help manual contains facts about being a relative to a person with alcohol- and substance problems and exercises and tools that focus on relatives' development and well-being. 

Read more or buy the self-help manual as an e-book here. If you have read the self-help manual I would be happy if you wanted to share some reflections in the comments!

Best wishes!

/Carina

What do you prioritize?

A common order of priorities if you live with a person with addiction tend to be:

1. First, it's the drug (for the person with substance abuse problems and for the relative to think about/try to control/worry about)

2. Second, the addict themselves (to meet their needs and resolve critical situations).

3. In the best case, the relative him or herself comes in third place (if there is enough time and energy over to take care of his or her own needs).

Recognize these priorities?

In that case, is that how you want to continue to prioritize your life? Or do you want to rearrange the order of priorities?

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Help or aggravate?

Does it help if I protect the addict from the consequences of addiction? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the addict believe he doesn't need to take responsibility for the consequences?

Does it help if I pay drug debts? Or do I instead aggravate the situation by making the person able to buy more drugs for the money?

Does it help if I wipe up the vomit after a drunk night? Or do I aggravate the situation since the drinker then thinks that he can continue to drink and it'll work out anyway?

Does it help if I pay the rent for the person who has been drinking or bought drugs for their money? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the abuser believe he doesn't need to take responsibility for the consequences of using the money for alcohol and drugs?

Does it help if I call in sick for my wife/husband/children if the person is unfit to go to work? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the person believe they don't have to deal with the negative consequences of drinking/drug use?

Does it help if I lie in favor of the abuser? Or do I aggravate the situation once again since he then wouldn't need to see the negative consequences of drug use?

Help or aggravate?
What is helpfull?

 

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Need of control?

What is the need of control? Many close relatives to people suffering from addiction have developed a great need of control. 

Control the other person's mobile phone, eavesdrop on phone calls, make calls and check where the person is, what he does, what state he's in, who he hangs out with, going through the pockets, looking in the bags, looking through the house, go and spy to know where the relative can be and so on...

What function does the need of control fill? I think it may have several causes.

1. Alleviating anxiety. As a relative I build up angst and panic through my anxiety and my thoughts about that my relative may be taking drugs or drinking alcohol. To reduce my own angst, prove my fantasies wrong, I start to control. And hopefully that will confirm that my suspicions were false, and my angst is reduced for the moment.

2. I believe myself able to influence/impede the alcoholic or drug users drug-intake. Through controlling, I'm trying to show that "I know". I try to get the person to think about something else, interrupt substance abusing activity, get hold of the alcohol/drug and throw it away, try in various ways to prevent the person from drinking/taking the drug. I hope/think I have power over the intake, something which I really am powerless over.

3. I do not trust my gut feeling and look for evidence. My gut tells me that my loved one is lying to me, behaves strange, smells odd, speak differently, etc. But I do not believe it. And I dare not say what I suspect, for the risk of my relative only denying it. And I will be lied to again. I try to control and find evidence for that my gut is right (or wrong) so that I can confront. The problem is that the addict can deny anyway. Even if you hold the evidence in your hand.

In 2 years?

If you would live like you do now 2 years longer, how would you feel then? If you have not made ​​any change at all, how would you then feel in 2 years? If you continue like now, where are you in 2 years?

Emotionally?

Physically?

Socially?

Leisure?

Career?

Joy?

Quality of life?

Balance?

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