Bad decisions can be made right!

Chinese proverb:

"If you must participate, decide three things from the very beginning: the game rules, the stake in the game, and when it is time to stop."

I think that sometimes it can be only right to give up. To give up one thing could mean a new, better, beginning of another thing. Sometimes it can concern one's whole life situation. To stop fighting just because you many years ago made ​​a decision that did not give what you had hoped for. Rather than continue to fight and struggle your way to try to achieve this, dare to give up and accept: I have put years of my energy on this but it does not give the results I hoped for. I accept it and leave it at that. Instead, I choose to start anew and go where I have tailwind.

Just because you once made ​​a bad decision does not necessarily mean you have to continue to live by it ... You can make new decisions!

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Stress management

Many of the problems relatives are experiencing physically and psychologically, is a result of prolonged stress. Relatives often live under constant stress and fear, sometimes for many years. It naturally has consequences, on both your physical and psychical wellbeing.

Therefore I'll give you some tips on stress management: 

 * Exercise mindfulness! The method is based on meditiation techniques and psychological knowledge of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Research has shown good results for people with depression and stress. 

* Physical activity! Also physical activity has shown good results for people who are experiencing stress and are depressed. A little physical activity is better than nothing! 15 minutes every day is a good first step.

* Go out and enjoy nature! Nature has a calming effect. Smell and appearance of trees, flowers, water ... 

* Sleep! Make sure you sleep! You need recovery and a peaceful sleep. Switch off your phone at night and have the same routine every night. This makes it easier to fall asleep. If you experience very restless sleep, difficulty sleeping or wake up in the small hours at 03:00, then it may be time to talk about your problem to a doctor. 

* Laugh! Treat yourself to humor and joy in everyday life. Watch a comedy, go for fun theater or stand-up comedy, or spend time with a friend you can laugh along with. 

* Say no! Recognize your limitations and that you need time to take care of yourself. Prioritize yourself!

You are No. 1! Take care of yourself!

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Serenity Prayer

"God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

 

The Serenity Prayer is a Christian prayer written by the American priest and theologian Reinhold Niebuhr 1926 (Wikipedia). This prayer is common in the 12-step community and can be very helpful to meditate and reflect on as a relative to a person suffering from addiction. It gives a new perspective and insight into the choices made daily.  

A challenge may be to every morning take a few minutes to reflect on this prayer!



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How can you use your strengths?

As a relative to a person suffering from addiction you possess many fine qualities and driving froces. How can you turn them to become positive things? Instead of leading you into destructive relationships?

I assume that you who are reading this have experience of being a relative to an addict. Then I also assume that you probably have all or most of these positive strengths:

* Empathy

* Helpfulness

* Want other people to be happy and live according to their full potential

* Insightful regarding people's behavior

* Sees opportunities

* Stubbornness

* Have a high level of confidence in people's ability and skills

* Make up your own strengths here: ......

* ........

* ........

* ........

How can we target these forces within ourselves for the better? Where should they be channeled? How can I use forces in such a way that they lead to positive development, both for myself and others?

How will you use your strengths?

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What can you say no to?

Have you lost your energy and enthusiasm, perhaps because you worry a lot and take responsibility not only for your own life but also for several other people's lives?

What can you say no to?

What do you do in this moment that you really want to say no to?

If you say no to a commitment, can you then say yes to something you'd rather focus on?

In what way can you save more energy in your everyday life?

Tip!

Follow your gut-feeling. Does it say yes or no?

If you are unsure of what you want to do, announce that you will reply, but that you first have to check some things before you can give a straight answer. This gives you time to consider if you want this or if it's something you would prefer to say no to.

Give yourself rest and energy!

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Like putting your hand on the hot stove, over and over again.

It's wondrous how, as a relative, you have a behaviour similar to putting your hand on the hot stove, over and over again. And not learn from the previous result. I look back on the times when I did exactly that. A kind of inner stubbornness that drives you to do the same thing over and over again, without learning what has already been effective or not. Despite all my well-meant efforts to get the other free from the shackles of drugs or alcohol, nothing of what I tried produced any desirable (in my opinion) results, but rather made me end up feeling frustrated about not being listened to and having drained a lot of my energy. Still, I don't quit. Instead, the next time, I do the exact same thing. For instance nagging, begging, prying, trying to talk sens into the other, issuing ultimatums, etc.

This goes against all theories of learning. When you do something, learn from the outcome and do differently next time if the last time's result is not proved positive. There may be various reasons for this obstinacy. It may be the hope that never gives up, that makes me fall into the pattern to try to convince and persuade the other person about how important change is and make me ignore the fact that I already tried this several times over. Another reason may be that I'm stuck in a role. I don't know what I would do if I didn't do just this: nag, beg, try to convince, issue ultimatums. I am stuck in a pattern, even I myself don't believe that my efforts will give any different results next time, but I have no alternative way to handle it.

* Are you stuck in a pattern of your relative's abuse problems, which means you lose lots of energy?

* Do you do something over and over again, even though it remained unsuccessful also in the past?

* What are the consequences for you? (E.g., frustration, fatigue, etc.)

* What can you do differently next time?

* How can you break the pattern and what can you do instead?

* Are you willing to test?

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Make it easy...

Sometimes we who are relatives makes it more complicate than it is. We put a lot of energy and mental challenges on trying to understand the sickness, trying to find logical explanations for what our relatives do under the influence of their illness, alcohol or drug dependency. It could be a waste of time and effort...

Perhaps we also think a lot about what we as a family can do to help the alcoholic or drug addict to make a change. "If we just do this or that ... then maybe he/she will change." We adopt a large responsibility for a problem that is not ours, and that we don’t have power over.

Let go of the control this month!

Challenge of the Month!

Challenge yourself to not always be available to solve someone else's problems. Dare to prioritize yourself! You don't need to be there for everyone at all times. It might sound hard, but for instance, are you being disturbed at night by someone calling you to talk out their problems? You on the other hand, wake up tired in the morning when it's time to go to work? Switch off your phone or have it on the quiet mode during the night. You deserve to sleep at night.

Do you feel like you never have time for your own life? Schedule a few hours/days on your calendar, that are only yours!

Do not change the plan! Switch off your phone and take care of yourself!

Let go of the control and prioritize yourself!

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Self-help manual, For relatives of substance abusers

People who live close to somebody with a substance abuse problem often get caught up in the strong destructive feelings and actions that substance abuse involves. It causes worry, stress and anxiety. The self-help manual contains facts about being a relative to a person with alcohol- and substance problems and exercises and tools that focus on relatives' development and well-being. 

Read more or buy the self-help manual as an e-book here. If you have read the self-help manual I would be happy if you wanted to share some reflections in the comments!

Best wishes!

/Carina

What do you prioritize?

A common order of priorities if you live with a person with addiction tend to be:

1. First, it's the drug (for the person with substance abuse problems and for the relative to think about/try to control/worry about)

2. Second, the addict themselves (to meet their needs and resolve critical situations).

3. In the best case, the relative him or herself comes in third place (if there is enough time and energy over to take care of his or her own needs).

Recognize these priorities?

In that case, is that how you want to continue to prioritize your life? Or do you want to rearrange the order of priorities?

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