"Tough love"

Tough love. Have you heard the expression before? I have heard it so many times that you should use "tough love" towards the person with substance abuse. But what exactly is "tough love" Can love be tough? Or is it about functional and respectful attitude, towards yourself and others? How do you interpret "tough love"? Please write in the comments and tell us your views and experiences of this!

I interpret tough love to mean:

* To clearly communicate your values​​, what you think is okay or not.

* To stand up for your own values ​​and not compromise or violate what you believe in.
* Be clear and respectful in your communication and not ramble.

* To not accept what does not feel good for yourself.

* Do not take the negative consequences of drug use for the person with alcohol and drug problems.
* Let him or her handle and take responsibility for the negative consequences that the alcohol or drugs created for them.

* To not allow yourself to believe in lies, instead believe in what you see.

* To support the person with the dependency problem when he/she makes a change to become clean and sober. (For example, when he/she goes into treatment, attend AA meetings, etc.)

What does "tough love" mean to you?

/Carina

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Monday 3/25 2013

Thank God it´s Monday!

Or how do you feel about this day and this new week?

Some meet a new work day with a heavy mind and already long for the comming weekend. While it for many relatives can be a relief that it is Monday and time to leave home and go to work. Finally the weekend wrapped up. Maybe it went well, things were quiet and you could relax. Or maybe it was a weekend filled with alcohol and fights.

Anyway, regardless of how this weekend has proceeded, what can you do this Monday and this week so that you can get to feel as good as possible? What is your commitment to yourself?

Please do write in the comments and tell us! It can encourage others too!

Great strength!

/Carina

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Do the kids understand more than we think?

As parents we naturally want our kids to be happy, feel good and secure. It is therefore hard to make yourself realise that the kids also are affected by the grown-up's alchohol and drug abuse.

In many cases the adults do their drinking or intake of the drug in a way that is the least harmful for the kids possible, and often you can hear relatives make statements such as:

"No, the kids don't notice anything, he/she drinks only when they have gone to sleep"

"The kids don't know about this, he/she becomes extra nice to them when he/she drinks"

"You don't notice when he/she is drunk, it is only I who see it"

And so on...

It is a common misconception that children do not understand just because they are not present during the actual intake and perhaps not during the intoxication either. Children not only affected by the alcohol, children are affected by the relationship between the adults.

If there frequently is a bad atmosphere, conflicts, blame, isolating silences and so on, the children are affected by it, regardless if they see the intake of the drug or not. They might not understand exactly what the problem is, but they can see that someting is wrong. And if nobody talks to the child about this, the risk is that the child takes the blame for the family problems.

Another common reaction from the children is that they are angry with the other parent (not the user) because they feel that it is them who fights, are angry, nag and creates conflicts, because they don't understand the real problem.

In conclusion: Kids are affected and sense/understand more than we think they do.

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Coping strategies

   To as a relative to a person with substance abuse problems yourself develop  negative behaviours is actually perfectly natural, in an unnatural situation.

  These behaviors do probably, during a given period, work as survival insticts, especially if you for instance as a child grew up with substance abusing parents. But in the long run, and in your relation to other people, coping strategies can be negative and destructive. 

   I myself believe that a certain type of negative behaviors can be explained as "my concern for another human being transferred to control over an adult person, to the point that it affects my own well-being and my helath". You develop these behaviors in certain circumstances in relation to another person.

   Coping can briefly be described as behaviors individuals develop in a stressful circumstance that at the time being helps the person deal with what is painful. The strategy helps you find stability in a chaotic situation. These approaches can in the long run be negative instead of helpful. Like minimizing or reducing the problems to cope with them easier. That can result in you not giving the problem the attention it requires. It may in time become very negative and it is worth investing in yourself to break any such pattern.

Take care of yourself!

/Carina

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Exercise for managing decision anxiety

Decision anxiety. Do you relate to it? To vacillate between different decisions, yes or no, back and forth. It is tedious and tiring. It is a relief once you come to a decision that you settle for.

Sometimes you can be afraid of the pain that comes if you choose to make a change. On the other hand, it could mean a greater pain to not make a change. 

An exercise that can be helpful in decision anxiety is often called "The Ambivalence cross".

Write down the pros and cons of the situation just as it is now and then the pros and cons of change.

Sometimes it becomes very clear what is best to do when one column gets longer and has more important points than the other. Else, it is not as clear, but on the other hand you got to sort out what really is at stake and what affects you in the matter.

Advantages of the current situation	Advantages of change
Disadvantages of the current situation	Disadvantages of change

It is quite common that under "Disadvantages of Change" will be listed different fears we have for change. If that is the case when you filled in the cross, you can reflect further on what to do to fix, manage and minimize these obstacles and fears of change.

Write in the comments if you get stuck or have questions about the exercise!

/Carina 

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Excerpt from the Self-Help Manual

Excerpt from the Self-Help Manual for Relatives of Substance Abusers: 

"In a destructive relationship, other people often wonder why the couple stay together, why they do not split up. Why the person stays, even when it is clear that the relationship is destructive and that the person is being badly treated and would be better off by her/himself. But the people who live in this sort of relationship often find something positive in it that no one else can see or understand. It can be, for example, that they feel safe. People often stay in a relationship because they feel safe: they know what they have but not what they might get. It is easy for us to be scared of change and new situations. Even when you are in a destructive relationship, you can still feel safe in it.  

Another reason for staying is the fear of being alone – it seems preferable to stay in the relationship you have. There are many different reasons why people choose to stay or elect not to change the situation. Also, the feeling of being needed by someone can be important. This makes us feel valued, important and appreciated by somebody. That feeling can be a reason why we do not look for change. The feeling of being needed by somebody raises our self-esteem temporarily. We seldom ask ourselves: ”Do I need this person?” “Do I need this situation?” “Do I need to be treated in this way?”  

Take a look at your own life and situation. Write down the benefits of your current situation as well as the negative parts and consequences. Analyse all the perspectives; your emotions, your physical and material situation, economy and relations. 

Positive sides of the current situation:	Negative sides of the current situation
E.g. I like to feel needed Safety	E.g. It takes up all my energy Worries

Test the exercise on your situation! Please write in the comments your thoughts and reflections

 

All the best!

/Carina

Being lied to...

.... over and over again, and still choose to believe the person again.

Being a relative to a person suffering from addiction may mean that I again and again choose to believe in someone who has lied to me. For every time I want so badly to believe in pleas for forgiveness and that it never will happen again.

This may mean that I keep turning back to what's hurting me, over and over again. Even though I know, somewhere inside of me, that this is not good for me. I keep putting my hand on the hot stove even though I know it will burn me again.

This may mean that for every broken promise, I create a new ultimatum: If this happens again, I will leave! But I don't. It becomes an empty threat. No one believes my threats to leave anymore. My boundaries have changed and I loose my trust in myself. I don't protect myself, I don't take care of my own needs.

Then who should do it?

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Bad decisions can be made right!

Chinese proverb:

"If you must participate, decide three things from the very beginning: the game rules, the stake in the game, and when it is time to stop."

I think that sometimes it can be only right to give up. To give up one thing could mean a new, better, beginning of another thing. Sometimes it can concern one's whole life situation. To stop fighting just because you many years ago made ​​a decision that did not give what you had hoped for. Rather than continue to fight and struggle your way to try to achieve this, dare to give up and accept: I have put years of my energy on this but it does not give the results I hoped for. I accept it and leave it at that. Instead, I choose to start anew and go where I have tailwind.

Just because you once made ​​a bad decision does not necessarily mean you have to continue to live by it ... You can make new decisions!

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Stress management

Many of the problems relatives are experiencing physically and psychologically, is a result of prolonged stress. Relatives often live under constant stress and fear, sometimes for many years. It naturally has consequences, on both your physical and psychical wellbeing.

Therefore I'll give you some tips on stress management: 

 * Exercise mindfulness! The method is based on meditiation techniques and psychological knowledge of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Research has shown good results for people with depression and stress. 

* Physical activity! Also physical activity has shown good results for people who are experiencing stress and are depressed. A little physical activity is better than nothing! 15 minutes every day is a good first step.

* Go out and enjoy nature! Nature has a calming effect. Smell and appearance of trees, flowers, water ... 

* Sleep! Make sure you sleep! You need recovery and a peaceful sleep. Switch off your phone at night and have the same routine every night. This makes it easier to fall asleep. If you experience very restless sleep, difficulty sleeping or wake up in the small hours at 03:00, then it may be time to talk about your problem to a doctor. 

* Laugh! Treat yourself to humor and joy in everyday life. Watch a comedy, go for fun theater or stand-up comedy, or spend time with a friend you can laugh along with. 

* Say no! Recognize your limitations and that you need time to take care of yourself. Prioritize yourself!

You are No. 1! Take care of yourself!

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Serenity Prayer

"God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

 

The Serenity Prayer is a Christian prayer written by the American priest and theologian Reinhold Niebuhr 1926 (Wikipedia). This prayer is common in the 12-step community and can be very helpful to meditate and reflect on as a relative to a person suffering from addiction. It gives a new perspective and insight into the choices made daily.  

A challenge may be to every morning take a few minutes to reflect on this prayer!



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